Wild love


James Bay's Wild Love, featuring a blonde Natalia Dyer (and an unholy number of purple butterflies), was originally a song I steered away from. I like the song, actually, but I wasn't able to agree with the sentiment because I was going through a tumbler of heartache and change. Lately, I've started to see the light at the end of the tunnel (and I hope it's not an oncoming train). Could I be close to being ready to love again? 

Let me say that I'm not in a relationship right now. I'm in love with a woman, but I'm not in a relationship. I'm free to do as I please, which up until now has mostly consisted of avoiding life. I know I'm not ready for a relationship, but I see daylight, and it's nearly time to get up out of this slumber and face a new day. At least I get that feeling more often these days. The truth is, I may never be ready to move on, but there's something in me that says I have to at least try. 

I have taken a few moments out of my busy schedule of feeling sorry for myself to actually think about what it would be like to be in a relationship — a healthy one — again. It's a nice thought and maybe a bit of a distraction, but more and more I think it's okay if my mind mulls over what that might actually look like. 

 Wild Love is a song about attraction (and sex), so it's a bit of a misnomer. We use the word "love" to describe many things, as in "I love tacos." Yes, tacos are delicious, but saying we love them is hyperbole. This song may as well be called Wild tacos, or Delicious tacos. And those sound kinda like bad porno movies.

Seriously, though, I see this as a healthy sign my mourning is turning into something else. I have reached the exhaustion stage and have sought mental solace in something other than chronicling the pain of divorce, etc. Considering it's been about a year since said divorce, that's remarkable. 

 Another strange thing I've noticed is I've been laughing at myself a lot. I've been amused by my various mental acrobatics over the past few years. This shows a major break from the self-obsessed thinking I've been immersed in. I've let go of the blame game and have decided on a more healthy and balanced take on my relationships. No, I'm not letting myself off the hook, but I'm just one man — a man who blundered into things — and I'm really not the menace I thought I was. Yes, I'd go back and do things differently. Yes, I'm sorry. But, no, it's not at the forefront of my thoughts anymore. Like all men, I'm subject to chasing all things shiny. And what could be shinier than wild love?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Naked and Famous - Young Blood

Image
Maybe you were curious what happened to the guy who had his heart destroyed. Maybe you thought he was a pussy for crashing out over the biggest disappointment of his life. Maybe you never knew the backstory. Wandering through Gatsby’s abandoned mansion, you wondered what transpired. Maybe you just stumbled in. In any case, you’re here. [Could have split into two posts. To save space, I refer to my ex-wife as K and the woman I fell in love with after divorce as C.] There’s a scene in the movie Drive where a bad guy calmly slits a man’s wrist (the right way — the long way) and tells him to sit down, be calm, because, “It’s done, it’s over, there’s no pain.” That’s how I imagined C ending things. I held out my hand for a friendly goodbye handshake, and she slit my wrist cooly, as if it was her duty. But, it wasn’t over, and there was pain. I sat down, bleeding. I’m still here, and it still hurts.   I hate when people experience a small disruption and attach to it spiritual significanc...
Read more

A farewell to sex

Image
Living the life of a divorced man was something I never foresaw. Actually, being married was something I didn't foresee, as well. At this point in my life, I think I've been wandering around like a blind man most of the time. Nothing else can explain my utter cluelessness about everything.  When you get a divorce, you lose many things. Mostly, you lose the security of what you had. You lose money and things and people you thought would always be there. Men especially seem to be clueless about how to move on. Our male friendships don't support us through things like this. And, if you're a loner like me, you don't have that option anyway.  Above everything else, I miss sex. There are all kinds of sex that people can have. I just miss sex. Any kind. I'm a one woman kind of man, and I've only been with one woman. So, going out and having sex with some stranger won't work for me. I'm not built that way. The only option I have is to simply m...
Read more

She found me

Image
She found me lost and alone wavering like a metronome born into a hateful world she swallowed me in her arms and I was never the same One woman can change a man  one love, one touch, and one forever if you don't believe me just look at me now She loves me at my worst lifts me up when I feel done grants me access to a new world where I don't have to be perfect She's knows I'm just a man but treats me like I'm better, made of something swift and strong and forever young She also sees the scars etched deeply in my flesh I stand naked before her but she never judges What I am is changed her love changed me rearranged me put me back together better even made me look at myself and not hate what I saw Now I see why God gave woman to man what a blessing, what peace what a stunning realization so different from what I've always known And so I love her, too,  the same as she loves me with everything I have until my last breath what a beautiful woman to make such an ugly m...
Read more