The ex factor

**** I initially posted this last week, but I felt I misrepresented myself by doing so which made me rethink it. I'm reposting it with an explanation. I do not have any ill-will toward my ex. I cared for her deeply for many years. I wish her the best in this world and in the hereafter. She is truly an amazing human being, though she proved she is not for me. This post is meant to highlight the rift that has grown between us and how my feelings about her have changed. It's not meant to slander her or make fun of her, though I did have fun with this post. Thank you for reading. ****


Today I did what I've been wanting to do for a long time. I've had them in my head. I didn't know when or how to let them out. 

Yes, I made an ex joke, something along the lines of, "That's what she said." There are a million ex jokes I can make, but it usually falls to someone else to say something first. Sadly, I cannot make these jokes at work since I work with my ex. That would be poor taste. 

While we've gone our separate ways in a dramatic and heartbreaking fashion — which is a fact I have dwelled on for much too long in my head and heart — I cannot always treat it as such a delicate issue. There will be jokes. My mind increasingly turns toward things lighthearted. It's only natural that I'd be exhausted by my own ruminations and heartbreak. I want to have fun, dammit.

Maybe this isn't strange at all, but I've come to notice it more and more. But my ex BOTHERS me. Everything she does bothers me. I turned down a day of seeing my son once because I didn't want her to visit. That's how much she bugs me. I'm sure some of the things she does bothered me while we were married, but now they've reached a fevered pitch. One of those things is her voice. When she calls my son when he's staying at my house, I have to turn the volume down as low as I can, and it still isn't fucking low enough. Her voice tears through my skull and stabs my brain. Why are you so LOUD? Can't you hear yourself?

She talks to herself. Not just every once in a while, like when she forgets something (which is often). She talks to herself constantly. It bothers me. It would bother me if it was anyone else, but it certainly bothers me because it's her, the one I cannot get away from. Having my own apartment is like a bastion of aaahhhhhhhh. My son talks a lot. Rarely does it bother me.

She's overbearing and talks to my son like he's a murderer on death row when he's done something wrong. She's not a calm person by nature, and I don't miss her nervousness. Nor do I miss all the dumb shit she says. She's not a stupid person, but she says more than her fair share of dumb stuff. She's also clumsy as hell, sloppy, and boorish. Think of a bull in a china shop. No, think of a blindfolded bull in a china shop. Wait, think of a blindfolded bull in a china shop with its tail on fire. 

I'm not making fun of her. Well, maybe a little bit. I'm just sick and tired of her. And I have no reason for her to be in my life anymore besides the fact that we work together and share a child. One of those will never change (until one of us dies). I don't hate her. I just wish she'd go away. 

I'm not perfect. I know. I do things that bother people all the time. Hell, I do things that bother me! Part of being a working member of society is being able to deal with people even if they do things that bother you. I know the main reason she bothers me is that she is no longer a part of my life, yet she remains in my life. Also, she sucked the life out of me for 20 years, but, hey, we're all over that now. 

It's one of the strangest and most awkward things about being divorced. I've had conversations with people I know and strangers about her. At some point, the ex conversation has to happen. If I intend to date someone someday, the ex conversation will happen again. If I date someone, most likely I'll have to learn about all of their exes, as well. Not only that, but I'll probably have to MEET their exes (if they're on friendly terms). Maybe I'll even have to CONVERSE with their exes whom I care not a whit about. It sounds exhausting. Maybe I'll just stay in my fortress of aaaaaahhhhhhhhh for the rest of my life. 

To top it all off, my ex has increased her religiousness by a power of about 1,000. I don't care if someone is religious. I have a relationship with God. I don't mention Him in every conversation, though, regardless of what someone may think after reading my blog. He's a big part of my life, but it's an internal thing for me. For her, it's external. I get the feeling it's for show, like, "Hey, look, I'm really not such a bad person." I don't need to hear her thoughts about God in every conversation. That's the kind of thing that drives people away from the gospel, even people who wholeheartedly believe it. It's annoying and overwrought, even though it's very helpful for her. Other people just hear how better or high-minded and spiritual she is. Some things are better off being kept private or, at least, more private. 

There was once a time when I would have defended her with my life, as misplaced as my loyalty was. And, at the end of the day, all of this is my opinion. Other people seem to enjoy her. I'm annoyed by her. I respect her for many reasons, but all of this is a signal for me that I'm beyond the point where I need to move on and get some breathing room. I'm an independent person. I'll be fine without her. And I may just end up saying aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh a whole lot more.