Maybe she will

From Greg Graffin's (of Bad Religion fame) first solo album, American Lesion, comes this little song about the breakup of a marriage. Maybe She Will reveals the stalwart hope of Graffin, who typically (being a scientist) wouldn't spend much time in emotional turmoil. This album was one of my favorites for years. I listened to it recently and found I had little in common with the words and music, originally released and purchased in 1997. 

One of the things I do have in common with this album is the sentiment expressed in this song. It's the act of putting your hope into another human being in a desperate way, hoping against all hope, really, that they will rescue you from your dire situation.

As much as I loved this album as long as I did, I cannot believe it no longer resonates with me. This is a track that has come back to haunt me, so to speak, however, as I know this feeling well. 

How many times had I wished my former mate would just make good and recognize the love I had for her and abandon her reckless tarnishing of our relationship? How many times did she choose someone else as I came home to an empty home? How many times did she choose anything and anyone over me? I kept hoping, though, she would wake up one day. Only when I left her for good did she see the great damage she had inflicted on our relationship, I believe, but it was too late. I was done waiting for her to see what was so obvious to me. 

For a Bad Religion fan such as myself, this album revealed the writing process a little bit. Most of their songs were composed on piano, at least from Greg Graffin's standpoint. The horns on this song make me smile, as that's just an odd addition. And those backup Graffinian vocals! What the hell.

One thing I've noticed lately is that I still carry hope in my heart. But this hope is for another woman. I wait for her with a warmth in my chest I cannot comprehend. Why it hasn't dimmed or died out, I don't know. She is truly special to me. I miss her every day, which is something I cannot say about another human being. I missed her after we graduated high school, of course, but this is a far deeper lack. The hole she has left in me can only be filled by her. But there is no desperation this time, no hoping she'll return to me, because I know I will love her regardless.

Another thing I've contemplated is the public nature of this blog and the public way I've expressed my love for her. I know she reads these words. So, in some way, am I being coercive? Am I trying to win her over? If so, what is the rightness or wrongness of that?  

I've thought about this extensively the past few weeks. I believe certain things: I love her, she loves me, we both screwed up, God is in charge, and it's wise we shouldn't be talking right now. However, have my words unfairly impacted her? What is my responsibility toward her, if at all? My ending thought is that if she felt manipulated by me, she could simply not read these words. It's her choice whether to read or not. I can say for sure, though, that it has never been my intention to manipulate her. What would it mean to me to get someone like her through ill-gotten means? What would my conscience do with having her if I did it the wrong way? 

No, my postings here are twofold: this is my therapy, and this is where I express myself. Take it or leave it. I'm not trying to force anyone's hand, that I know. But, on the other hand, I cannot cease to express my love for her. It will burst out of me if I try to contain it. It will destroy me if I seek to hold it in. To me, she is perfect. She fits into me like we were formed together and life tore us apart. She makes me smile, even though she's just memories now. I will never say I have to be with her, but I do want to be with her, even if being with her simply means friendship. You know, hanging out with the kiddos and sharing some freshly-baked cookies and milk, that sort of thing. 

I'm not trying to sway her to me. My chasing of her only made her run from me. I also can't help it if my heart keeps wondering, "maybe she will ...," because that's what love does. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I'm not offering her much, but if I cease writing here about her, what will I do? I'll paint the skies with my love. I'll send it through the radio to her ears. I'll put it in the scent of lilacs on her walks. She'll think of me when she wonders what time it is and she looks at one of her 10 clocks in her house. She'll feel me ... somehow. That's what my heart says. That's what the tenacity of love says. And so I will write these words here now and again and again.

Lyrics:

Laws of gravity, they fight uncertainty
But I sit here without a clue
Life had separate meaning and I was only dreaming
Someone else came to her rescue

Now she's gone and I am too
But maybe she will

Want to have me near enough to feel unparted
Maybe she will
Ask me for some help to get her new place started
Maybe she will
See me around and want to take a mid-day walk
Maybe just feel lonely and will want to talk with me

In cold and darkest weather, the times we had together
Come to me and I smile to sleep
Then clouds dissipate and I soon re-awake
To such a living tragedy, I'm resolved to pondering

Maybe she will
Call me up to see if I am doing alright
Maybe she will
Remember the times when I would hold her so tight
Maybe she will
Think about the letters that I used to send
Someday change her mind and want to find me again

They all say I'm wasting my whole life away
But I don't care because I have this candle from our courting days
And it's almost gone but dim hope flickers anyway

Maybe she will
Look at those old pictures and get teary-eyed
Maybe she will
Feel my lonely heartbeat and hear me cry
Maybe she will
Help me shovel out of this misery
One day say she's sorry for giving up on me

Maybe she will