my careless contagion

Recently, I've been reviewing old posts, refurbishing some, marveling at others. One was a Father's Day post from 2021, shortly before I moved to Nebraska. (The ones I wrote to Cindy always floor me, as how can a human being say no to someone who loved them that much? I simply don't understand. My girlfriend simply said she was a "dumb b*tch," but the truth is perhaps more nuanced. One thing about narcissism is it’s basically the outcome of living in chronic fear. But fear is still a choice, so they are choosing their behavior.) For some reason, I became aware of my father's state of late. He turned 80 in February. When I tell people his age, they cringe. Old Vietnam War vets don't live as long as others from the same era. Living in and breathing in Agent Orange does that to you.  Alan Cumming's memoir is not for everyone, though I think we all can relate to some degree. I was drawn to the book, which I found on a bookshelf in the clubhouse where my p...

Scottsbluff, Neb., is in a neat area of Western Nebraska. You have the cool rock formations, of course, but you also have Wildcat Hills State Recreation Area, which I've wanted to visit for years. You can just imagine the pioneers traveling through here to greater destinations out west, many perishing along the way. The place is rich in history, but I wonder how many stop and check it out as they fly by in their cars to some other place. I was in Scottsbluff Friday, March 12, but not to see the sights. And it was a beautiful and warm day in spite of the forecast for up to 40 inches of snow that weekend. But I wasn't just enjoying the weather.  I was there to get a new vehicle. (Yes, I've gone through a lot of vehicles lately, but my life is unstable in many ways.) There is a reason why my last four vehicles I decided to sell myself. ( Selling my vehicle this time seemed like a hassle I didn't need, so I went the quick route and did a KBB instant cash sale.)  Dealing wit...

July 16, 2017, is the day Cindy broke off our relationship for good. I asked her not to come to see me if that was her intention. She did anyway. Some things have to be done in person. It was fair, though. I didn't think I'd get the girl. I used her to help destroy my marriage, and that's unforgivable. I tainted that perfect girl with our illicit relationship, and she ended it with class and poise. She was sick that weekend. So sick. Yet she came to see me. She had to do what she was going to do; that was clear. And she did it with practiced precision. When it was over, I cried. I said I wanted to be alone. Then I reversed and said I wanted to look at her because I realized it might be the last time I saw her. She shook with sobs as we hugged and said goodbye. There is a picture of me when I got home that day. My son is sitting with me in a chair, drinking his milk. I look tired as usual, but there is something else. I look like I have been gutted. And, indeed, I had...

Thanks, guy. Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting. - Daniel 5:27 My blog is all about being honest. I've done considerable soul searching over the year and a half this blog has been running. What I want to do in this post is to compare myself to the girl I love's ex-husband (We'll say his name is DC for our purposes) as well as expound on some of the reasons I won't get the girl. Fifty reasons doesn't seem like enough. I think the whole world was against us.  I've never actually met this man, DC. He popped in a couple times when I visited the girl at her house while on vacation, but I was always in a different room or outside. So, the only way I know any of this is through my conversations with her, conversations that took place years ago.  Am I doing this to self-flagellate or put myself down again? Well, I sure hope not. I know I've done a lot of that in the past. That's not my intention this time. What I want to do i...

From Greg Graffin's (of Bad Religion fame) first solo album, American Lesion, comes this little song about the breakup of a marriage. Maybe She Will reveals the stalwart hope of Graffin, who typically (being a scientist) wouldn't spend much time in emotional turmoil. This album was one of my favorites for years. I listened to it recently and found I had little in common with the words and music, originally released and purchased in 1997.  One of the things I do have in common with this album is the sentiment expressed in this song. It's the act of putting your hope into another human being in a desperate way, hoping against all hope, really, that they will rescue you from your dire situation. As much as I loved this album as long as I did, I cannot believe it no longer resonates with me. This is a track that has come back to haunt me, so to speak, however, as I know this feeling well.  How many times had I wished my former mate would just make good and recognize t...