Fifty reasons I won't get the girl
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| Thanks, guy. |
Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting. - Daniel 5:27
My blog is all about being honest. I've done considerable soul searching over the year and a half this blog has been running. What I want to do in this post is to compare myself to the girl I love's ex-husband (We'll say his name is DC for our purposes) as well as expound on some of the reasons I won't get the girl. Fifty reasons doesn't seem like enough. I think the whole world was against us.
I've never actually met this man, DC. He popped in a couple times when I visited the girl at her house while on vacation, but I was always in a different room or outside. So, the only way I know any of this is through my conversations with her, conversations that took place years ago.
Am I doing this to self-flagellate or put myself down again? Well, I sure hope not. I know I've done a lot of that in the past. That's not my intention this time. What I want to do is show what a great difference there is between these two men. There is no effort to manipulate the outcome. This is for my purposes only. I want to be a realist and prepare myself for the inevitable ending to this love affair.
2) DC and the girl are incredible partners even though they've divorced. Co-parenting, which I sincerely believe is a trap that keeps one tethered to someone forever (at least in my case), seems to come naturally for them. They love parenting their children together, even though it's much more difficult now that they live separately. I hate dealing with my ex. I have to prepare myself mentally to be around her for even a few minutes. With DC and the girl, there seems to be a natural graciousness, which is something I clearly lack.
3) DC lives just around the block. I live hours away. Obvious advantage there. He comes over to mow her grass and probably other things. Actually, he can go right ahead and mow her grass. I hate mowing. My shoes turn green, and I sneeze and sweat for an hour afterward. And then there are all the leaves in fall! Ugh. Yeah, go right ahead with that, buddy. Maybe he got the lawn in the custody agreement.
4) They've spent 23 years in each other's lives. This is unmatchable. And that number will continue to climb. I've barely spoken to her in the last year and a half so can't even say we're working on our own number. It just isn't happening.
5) He makes her laugh. It was one of the clinchers for her. I think I've made her cry and made her mad more than anything else. My sense of humor is too strange for most people. Or too dry. Even in wet years. There are clear attractive qualities between them.
6) He's trying. He's been to therapy multiple times during their relationship and even after it ended. He's working on himself. I don't think anyone can ask more than that. I, too, am working on myself, though I'm hesitant to spend money on anything. I could probably get farther with real counseling instead of my writing therapy, so I think this one goes to DC, too, for putting forth more effort.
7) DC has a master's degree. I have an associate's degree. He's very smart and driven. Clear advantage goes to him for not only following through but for earning more money and making himself more marketable. This one may actually be worth about a hundred points. I should end right here because need I say more?
8) DC also has a rewarding job he is very good at, which is working with wrong-way kids, motivating them, coaching them, making them successful, which has real-world impact. I spend all day moving commas around a screen and forwarding emails. Sometimes I also take out the trash. I do feel good after taking out the trash because it is a very necessary thing. Trash attracts flies, and no one likes flies.
9) He is a competitor. Very athletic. Very driven. He's an alpha male. I have dropped out of life. I may have even gotten run over by a bus. Or several buses. I don't remember. All I know is I woke up one day with a burning desire to not exist anymore. I'm not sure, but I think I lost this one. White flags are flying.
10) They share summers off since they work in similar fields. This is huge. Think of all the time they can spend together as partners or as a family. Are we done? Can I throw in the towel yet?
11) He gave her the most precious people in her lives — her kids. Or she gave them to him. Either way you look at it, that's a beautiful and glorious thing. I have nothing I can give her like that.
12) She has a memory like an elephant. There are memories I can't compete with. Think of all the birthday parties, the family vacations and road trips, the holidays, all of the moments they've shared. On her wall hangs a sign that says, "Families are forever." Yes, and the memories last forever, too.
13) Her family still loves DC. She loves his family. Good in-laws are hard to find. My in-laws didn't care for me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so bad at everything?
14) He is a charismatic, outgoing man. Probably popular with both men and women. Those are traits I don't have. I dream of being a sniper so I can take people out.
15) He loves her. I love her. I think this is called a tie. I'm sure there are others competing for her love. She had guys coming out of the woodwork as soon as she was separated. Probably before that, too. I can't compete with all of that, though. I'm not a big enough man.
16) She loves baseball. He played baseball professionally. He's a consummate all-around athlete. Walking by his side, I'm sure she beams with pride.
17) She felt embarrassed and guilty about her relationship with me (more than two years ago!), ended said relationship, and wanted to return to a man who cheated on her incessantly, committed at least one act of domestic abuse (that I know of), and generally treated her like a doormat. In fact, she felt she betrayed him by having a relationship with me. I guess that's love. He must be an impressive man to generate that kind of respect and loyalty. I got dumped in a hotel room. And that was just the last time I got dumped. It's been a dump-a-thon of a life for me. He can do no wrong, and I can do no right. He wins this one as well.
18) DC is a genuinely good man (with some faults like the rest of us), going out of his way to help other human beings, even saving someone's life. When have I ever saved someone's life? I can't count the bugs that find their way inside my apartment that I release back to the wild. How did that moth even end up in my skillet?
19) He has shown himself to be selfless and open to reconciliation in the wake of divorce.
21) This woman took her marriage seriously. What would have been deal-killers for anyone else were simply circumstances to her. It was drilled into her to do anything to keep her marriage alive. She did just that, often burying inconvenient truths and protecting the one who was supposed to protect her. What she saw as betrayal and what I saw as telling the truth reveal just what kind of character this woman has as well as a fundamental difference between us. She was a perfect soldier in fighting for her marriage. I cannot recall knowing a woman more willing to fight for a relationship which she had so many reasons to exit. It is extremely humbling just knowing a woman like that. That kind of never-give-up grit is impossible to find in a woman and goes a long way to explain why she still can't give up on that man.
22) She loves him. She is in love with him. However you want to say that, she has powerful feelings of loyalty for him.
23) This man out-competed me the first time I tried to be with the girl years ago. This man will out-compete me again. A man who is used to winning will win. A man who is used to losing will lose. That is the script.
24) Women want this man. She wants this man. He wants her back. Her kids want their dad back. I want her to have what she wants. We all agree.
25) All he has to do is what she asks him to do and he'll get his marriage back.
26) DC knows this girl inside and out. The longer I think about it, the more I realize I don't know her at all, which makes me incredibly sad. At one point, she spoke of me as her best friend, but that was a long time ago. Now I'm just a mistake she made and hastily abandoned.
27) She had daily contact with DC while shutting me out of her life for the better part of a year and a half. That seems like an unfair advantage, but it shows who she favors.
28) DC knows how to treat women, as evidenced by his popularity with them. I don't know how to treat women. The one I had went far and wide for attention and affection. Clearly, I did not have what it takes to keep a woman. Nor do I understand them. He does.
29) I can't have nice things. And she's about the nicest thing I could have. And I'm not selfish enough to go out and get what I want even if it was offered to me.
30) Effort. She won't ask me to rearrange my life by moving to her town, finding a job, making friends with her kids and family, and then finding time to date her. How much effort would she ask of DC? All he would have to do is move back in. He knows everything about her life. There would be no misunderstandings, no surprises, or getting used to each other. It would be the easiest thing in the world.
31) DC is like her sun and she's a planet. I'm like space junk, ancillary stuff that gets in the way and burns up in someone's atmosphere.
32) It is absolutely stunning the women I choose. They all seem ... out of reach in some way. I mean, Cindy is in love with her abusive ex. My ex was after everyone, anyone but me. I turned to international dating, which is an even bigger crapshoot. I mean, they can't get more inaccessible. Choosing inaccessible girls is my thing. And that's a big reason why I won't get the girl, who, in this case, is not only inaccessible but also way out of my league. I set myself up for failure right from the start. It's like I can't fathom actually getting what I want.
33) She will never allow herself to be with the man who broke up her marriage, the one she betrayed her ex-husband with. It wasn't like her to do those things, and I would be a forever reminder of that great mistake. That's what I will always be to her — a great mistake. As the good memories fade of the time we were together, that unshakeable fact remains.
34) I don't think any woman will allow me to love her fully the way I want to. They all say they want to be loved like that, but in reality, they do not. They must think there's some catch.
35) She's beyond loyal. Like sainthood-kind-of-loyal. I'm sure she has been propositioned many times in her life, but she is like a fortress of loyalty. She broke things off with me to be loyal to a man who could not be loyal to her. I don't know what that is, but I want it. And I would be loyal, of course. I don't know what it is that holds the two of them together like that. I call it loyalty. But whatever it is, I've never seen anything like it anywhere else, except the most tragic of cases, which I wouldn't call this. I think it's just beautiful, and I want to leave it like that forever. I don't know this man, and I don't think he deserves a loyalty like that. But I can't help but admire loyalty like that and wish I had the same kind of woman.
36) God told her she belongs to DC. I don't know why God would tell her to return to a union that included infidelity and domestic abuse, but need I say more? Maybe He's just saying she didn't leave her marriage in the right way and needs to ask for permission. Or maybe He's telling her to go back to that. What that means is not something I can answer. All I can do is accept it.
37) It actually makes more sense to me that I not get the girl. Or anything good. I'm not saying that for pity. That's just how my brain works.
38) She and I are both practical people, and love is not for practical people. By the time we figure out all the practical matters, we'll be 100 years old. And what's the point then?
39) DC is her irreplaceable.
40) She already dumped me twice! What makes me think she won't dump me a third time? Actually, we don't even have a relationship, so what am I even talking about? There's really nothing to dump! I feel stupid even typing this.
41) My recollection of our time together, though illicit, is a memory I will cherish forever. For her, I think it was more like a black stain on her soul, something she would soon like to forget. For such a moral girl to have stooped so low as to visit with me while still married, I can't even imagine her guilt and shame. For me, it's a fond memory. For her, something terrifying.
42) Her daughter hates me, and for good reason (as I'm sure she's figured out what happened between us and how that meant her dad no longer living at home). That's a deal-killer.
43) I don't know how to be in her life. I don't even know how to hold her hand. If I fumble with simple things, what makes me think I'll get the big stuff right?
44) She's too smart for me. Like, scary smart. I would lose every fight, which isn't a bad thing. I'm not usually afraid of smart women, but I am of this one.
45) She's Daisy from The Great Gatsby, who gets to go back to her family and awful husband and live the rest of her life. And I end up floating dead in a pool, alone, waiting for her call. I lost her because I pushed too hard too fast, and I was a greedy bastard, wasn't I? I followed the script right up to the last page. I could not have written a sadder story.
46) I'm pretty sure she never actually wanted to be with me. She wanted me to feel bad about how I treated her all those years ago, and she wanted me to see the life I could have had with her, which would have been wonderful. Basically, she just wanted me to see those things and have me say it. To have me express my undying love for her was a bonus, and perhaps that's why she had trouble going back to DC. She said she's confused, but she's not confused. She knows exactly what she wants. It's just not me.
47) One of the biggest reasons I don't see me getting the girl is because I think DC should clean up his mess. What he did to that girl is something I don't even know how to describe. I don't think she'll ever be the woman she was before him. How he could do that to her, I don't even know how it's possible. He must have a very high opinion of himself or a very low opinion of her. Truly, he does not see the value of her as I do. Or, if he does, he just didn't care enough to protect her. Well, it seems right he should have to dig deep and come up with something big to put her back together. I'm sure he will.
48) She's the nicest girl in the world, and she treated me very poorly at times over the last 2.5-plus years. I chalk this up to what she was going through. And the fact that I'm an awful person who deserves all of that.
49) She has more class in one day than I've had my entire life. She's truly out of my league in every single way. What a fantastic thing to imagine being with a woman like that. She was made of the best parts of God's creation. And I was dredged up from the depths of some simmering, stinking pond. It's laughable I could ever be with her. That's what I thought the first time I tried to be with her, the second time, and always.
50) I broke off our "relationship" July 13. We each expressed the fact that we "can't do this anymore." It was clearly just draining us. My intention was to eliminate her confusion by leaving her life once and for all and narrowing her choices, making her life easier. It was the very thing I didn't want to do, but I did it so she can get her life back. She'll thank me someday. I will always love her and wish her the best. And this way, she'll actually get the best. This is possibly the most unselfish thing I've ever done. And definitely the hardest thing I've ever done. Unfortunately, sometimes saying goodbye is a beautiful act of love.
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