A letter to an abused heart
I don't know how deep the wounds go. Something tells me she put on a cheerful front for so long she doesn't even know. She is so used to distrusting she has to fight through her protective mechanisms and inclination to see my words and actions in a negative light. I pray to see her blossom and realize intimacy with the right man — a man she can trust — can be incredibly satisfying and even healing. God has the right man for her. I don't know if I'm that man, but I sincerely hope I am. If I'm not there yet, I pray God gets me there because the last thing I want to do is hurt that woman or even let her think I could hurt her. I want her to feel free and light around me. I want her to feel loved and valued and treasured, even. No doubt she will say she doesn't deserve those things, but she most certainly does. When she gets close to me for a brief time, she will then retreat and push me away for a longer period of time. It's hard for me sometimes to endure that, but I know it's part of her process of learning to trust (and possibly love again). I remain in place with all my thoughts and feelings swirling but also resolute, wanting her to simply know she can come back at any time. My heart and my life is a safe place for her.
Giving the benefit of the doubt doesn't come easily. Many times she sees them as passive aggressive or controlling or in a negative light. I assure her I have nothing but the best intentions when I talk to her. My words come from a kind and loving place. I want to uplift her, not add to her struggles. It's amazing how differently she perceives my words sometimes. I pray over time she sees I am a man of my word and am worthy of trusting. It may be hard for her to trust after so much betrayal (I don't blame her for being careful, as that is the proper response to pain) but it will be infinitely worthwhile. I can't say she will never be hurt again, but it won't be on the scale she endured in the past. I do sometimes say stupid things, but my intention is to always protect her from being hurt. If I fail in doing that, it will be in small ways.
How can I write a letter such as this, considering I went through all kinds of abuse? I'm in such a better place than I used to be. I'm stronger. I'm resilient. God got me here. He pulled me out of the miry depths and set my feet on solid ground. Because of my childhood, I always felt I was the problem. It's like Anti-Hero. Taylor Swift gets it. (Or, if you prefer the 70s aesthetic, the official video is here.) That's an entirely different post, and I'm more interested in looking forward than looking back. But, the importance of this dynamic should be noted. People who endured trauma and abuse always think they are to blame. God wants you to know that's not true, and He can heal you. Many people like me experienced untold heartache. I want them to know it won't always be like that. Stay close to God because He is the one Who heals. He will guide you away from danger and into safe harbors. He'll reveal your worth to the one who He has for you. They will love you too much instead of not enough, and carefully instead of carelessly, because they know just how much it means for you to love again.
Cindy, the girl I love, shows evidence of abuse from her marriage. Some call it battered wife syndrome. Some call it post-traumatic stress disorder. She suffered abuse at the hands of that man; that's all I know. Much of it was psychological and emotional. I want to point out that she has a right and all the reasons in the world to be careful moving forward with a man because of what she's been through. It's natural to want to protect herself. I also believe I deserve the benefit of the doubt, as I am a different kind of man and have her best interests at heart. She mentioned once if, when we move forward, people could tell she was in a better situation. I think the comparison would likely be moving from singleness to being a relationship, as she got divorced many years ago and people have short memories. But, the greatest differences would be unseen things, those intimate moments between me and her (yes, I'm putting myself in her future), how I treat her, how I talk to her, how I pray over her and those in her life, etc. That would invariably leak out into our public lives, and perhaps people would see the difference there also.
My post, Notes on a girl, which examined the girl I am in love with, is an interesting concept because no one really sees themselves as others do. I'm sure she would disagree with me on some points, and I'm sure I missed some of her best features. She was probably embarrassed by it. I apologize to her. Many times I talked with someone who mentioned something about how they see themselves, and I did a double take and thought, "Wow, I don't see you that way at all." We all have a personal blindness. We don't get to see ourselves as others do. I may be pretty sure I have a good idea of how I am, but, honestly, I have no clue. I would hate to have someone write about me as I did about her, but the point was to explain why I chased her so long. I shot my shot. A lot. The best summation for what drove me was an irrepressible love. And she is truly amazing, as I pointed out. She likely doesn't see what the big deal is. It's also possible she didn't see my good qualities for quite some time, either. My intentions toward her were always good, no matter the outcome. I wanted what was best for her. We are on the same team. I'm not like other men; different things drive me. I hope she knows that.
That reminds me. I need to clarify. I want everyone to know I wasn't trying to manipulate or coerce her by writing about her or my feelings about her. It was never imperative she return those feelings (though I know she does have feelings for me). Let me explain.
Reading this blog (or watching my life, for that matter) would have surely given away the fact that I am the problem (as Taylor Swift so elegantly stated in the brilliantly-rendered song Anti-Hero). But, the truth is more nuanced than what is easily seen. I carried the innocence, trust, and purity of childhood into adulthood and adult relationships. (And I was such a sweet and pure child with a big heart.) It was fortified against all who would betray me, as I learned to protect myself. I saved the last bit of innocence, purity, and trust from my childhood until I found the one I wanted to give it to. She was the one. She even seemed to have the same cloistered purity and innocence. Maybe no one else saw it, but similar souls understand. (Little did I realize how different — and better — she was from me.) I gave her that untouched part because I loved her. Everyone who has been through hurt has fortifications. It's natural. It's hard to get through that unless you have the key. I gave her all the keys and welcomed her to roam the hallways of my mind, soul, and heart. It meant everything to me to give her that. Please don't misunderstand. Whether she ever took those keys or opened anything, I will never know. It didn't matter. I felt free by loving her, which was the greatest gift. I loved again! And not from behind closed doors. I took the doors off the hinges for her. I walked out of that self-imposed prison. I am free now. I did the most daring thing one can do when love so often meant hurting in the past. That's why I say it was never necessary she return anything I felt for her: the miracle already happened. (Of course, I hoped she would reciprocate, as much as she felt comfortable.) The whole point of mentioning this is I didn't want to manipulate her. I was expressing myself. I'm not the most amazing man. I'm a simple man. Just a guy. If anything, this blog was a demerit on my character. I hope everyone understands what I was doing. If she reads this, I hope she understands, too, and forgives me if I veered into manipulative territory. That was never my intention. I loved her, yes, but I didn't want to control her. One can look at how I handled things and criticize, but there was no precedent. I experienced all of this for the first time here. All my mistakes were recorded. It was a bold thing to chronicle this journey, mistakes and all. Please understand I'm a mere man who experienced love on a scale he wasn't accustomed to.
I found a way out of that prison. I broke free. If I can do it, anyone can. The girl I love said she can't move forward with me at the moment, but, when the time comes, I believe she will have seen over time I am trustworthy and love her dearly and won't hurt her as she was in the past. She is so beautiful, inside and out. She's so worthy of being loved the right way. I pray I am worthy of being the one to love her.
My point in writing this post is love is worth a try, even if we've been hurt in the past. God loves me beyond anything I've ever experienced. I want to give that love to those around me. God's love is the most healing thing an abused heart can feel. It's pure, untainted, and unconditional. It's so beautiful.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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