Notes on a girl
I knew her since we were 10 years old when I moved to her town over Christmas break. I recall teasing her about her hair, which she braided one day, calling her Laura Ingalls Wilder, perhaps because I used to watch Little House on the Prairie and one of the girls had braided hair. She was always near, maybe because we were often seated by last names and ours both began with N. She seemed responsive and friendly. I was in a new school and didn't know anyone except my neighbor Geoff, who was also in my class.
As the years went on, I admired her more and in growing ways, as I saw her excellent spirit. She excelled in nearly everything. That admiration turned to something else along the way, and, after we graduated from high school, I sincerely missed her. Had I known then what I know now, I would have realized those feelings were love. We hung out a few times in college. I wanted her near but didn't realize she expected something to happen. She should be near. She should be in my life. That's all I knew. And then she wasn't. She came back into my life in 2016, only to leave a short time later. I never blamed her for leaving, but those times were the saddest of my life. Conversely, when she was in my life were the happiest.
What was it I lost? How can I make it clear? She was the girl I thought I would marry. She was someone I greatly admired and even loved. I felt different when she was around. At home. At peace but more alive. Energized. When I looked in her eyes, I saw my future. Unfortunately, I lived a different future instead. And she did, too.
She was with a man who cheated on her and was abusive in many ways. In spite of that, she remained with him and loved him. She became stronger and sweeter. I became bitter and hopeless when going through much the same. Can I give an accurate picture her beautiful soul? Let's try.
Her work ethic is probably obsessive. She is Type A, after all. She's probably a multitasker. If she put her Type A qualities into building a relationship, she would be successful. I'm sure that trait worked well for her. I imagine at her workplace she is given extra work because they know she gets stuff done — and done right. She probably puts a lot of pressure on herself. Lots of internal pressure. She didn't need the external pressure I put on her, as she already had a lot of pressure to deal with. (I decided I won't try to push myself on her anymore or try to extol my virtues, if I ever did. I made my case, which I stand by, and nothing else needs to be said at the moment. Anyway, it is a woman's duty to tell a man she isn't interested or he's not in her heart, and I haven't heard that from her, at least not lately. I tried to be respectful in chasing her but was convicted I wasn't respectful enough. I can't express how much I regret that. In any case, I repented of the spirit in which I approached her. She should be approached differently, but as of yet I haven't figured out how. I sincerely apologize to her for being so pushy. SHE KNOWS how I feel. Perhaps she sees something repugnant in me, thus making the whole point moot, but only she knows that. If I drive her crazy in some way, that's probably better than her feeling nothing at all. I think I'm a decent guy, but who knows what she thinks. I just wanted to make her happy.) She is protective of and dotes on her children. She has an obedient spirit, as she knows obedience paves the way for blessings and also prepares her to handle those blessings. Everything will work out for her. I can't find fault in her character. If she has a weakness, I don't know what it is. Probably ain't much. On top of being Type A, she also seems left-brained. Maybe this is one in the same, but she's the kind of person who needs a goal, an excuse, or a reason for doing something. She's logical and literal but also has a creative, girly side.
She aged gracefully and will continue to do so. I wish I could have watched that unfold. It would be nice to witness from this point on, though, but that's not up to me. She does everything with poise, grace, and class. Aging is no different. A lot of women handle that transition in an unbecoming way. Too much makeup. Not enough poise. She grew into her body and her age well. I think she becomes more attractive with each passing year. I'm not sure she knows how she is perceived by others. She may not know how even I see her.
She takes care of herself (and those around her) and not just the outside, though that is mentioned in Proverbs 31. She is a virtuous woman, endlessly nurturing and soft. I love her heart. It's the most beautiful thing I've come across in this world besides the love of Christ. Her heart is a reflection of His. She's the whole package. Everything a man could want in a woman. She is incredible. Her abilities and attributes are beyond my comprehension, and there is so much mystery in her. Enough for a lifetime of discovery.
She shows restraint and control. (I've seen her eat. You don't get a body like that by being out of control. Maybe she has Spartan-like rigor. Speaking of her body, it's perfectly proportional. Most women don't realize that's what a lot of men respond to. Heck, even men don't realize it.) She embodies what the Bible calls meekness and gentleness. Jesus was incredibly gentle. Her face told me when she was skirting something unpleasant and hoped I didn't bring it up. I obliged, though it was fun watching her squirm a bit. (Also, I think she enjoys jokingly raking me over the coals.) Her rigor in facing life is quite amazing. You should see how she folds clothes. It's perfection. She's attractive and organized, while I'm disheveled and squeaking by in life. I wish I was more like her. I got my butt kicked by life and she passed tests, moved forward, and was successful and happy. She will do things she doesn't want to do because of her sense of loyalty and duty. She's also a perfectionist so probably beats herself up at times. I hope that's not so. A hallmark of Cindy is she often does things for others at the expense of her own happiness and success, even enduring great pain and humiliation. She does for others things she will then refuse for herself. This woman is a saint, and her children will call her blessed. Her happiness — and probably her entire life — is in her children, and that explains so much about her.
Is this woman perfect? No, but no deal-breakers. I saw her heart. If something flared up, I didn't judge her for it, as I saw her need. Her temper has a sting, but I actually like it because of the passion in her voice. She's fiery at times. I also used to be intimidated by her. Kind of thrilling trying to keep up with her. She's off-the-charts amazing. Any man would be lucky to have her. But, she is not a commodity, and I never wanted to consume her upon my lust. I always wanted to be a friend, help, and support. I don't think she is high-maintenance. She likes to be left alone. She is purpose-driven, all speed and efficiency. If she was a car, she'd be a sports car. (Come to think of it, she does drive fairly fast and aggressively.) Not a muscle car. A luxury sports car. Sleek. Svelte. Speed with pedigree. Grace. Poise. Unflappable in the corners. A joy to live with. Not something anyone can just go out and buy. A car you wash by hand and meticulously maintain. Cus you care about that car. It excites you. It makes you feel something you want to keep feeling. It's not something to neglect or disrespect. She's your friend. Why do men liken women to cars? I don't want to objectify. I can't speak for anyone else, but I nearly exhausted my vocabulary. How can you describe the woman you love with words, when love is something that is felt? I tried to explain why I was so head over heels for the girl and still feel like a failure. It's a bad analogy, so forgive me.
I chased her for years. Had a chance and took it. (Sure, I overdid it, but a woman like her comes along only once in a lifetime.) She was worth the high chance of failure because of her high value. Literally the best woman I've ever known. Her heart. Her mind. Her soul. She is a perfect match for me, too, if you believe in soulmates. She could only get better if she had red hair. Can you imagine? The way she draws looks now but with red hair. What's inside is what makes her so special, but I can't deny her exterior appeal. (Always wanted to date a redhead but wanted to date her more.) Red hair or not, she was always what I wanted. She was worth all the chasing and failing. If another chance to pursue her appeared in the future, I would jump at it, though in a different spirit.
I love so many things about her. The way she walks. Her voice. Her words. Even when she's cross with me and says my name in anger. (I hoped her anger betrayed her feelings for me.) I would die to hear her voice again. Her thoughts. The way she mirrors me. Her nuances. Her perfect nose when nestled into my neck. The memory of my lips on hers a few summers ago as we lay on her bed. Her lovely-smelling hair. The freckles on her shoulders. Her perfume. Her beautiful, delicate neck (which is, no doubt, perfect for kissing). Even her toes. Her eyes, her smile. When she does her pouty lips. The way she lights up when she says hello to someone. Her curiosity. Her organizational skills and ability to get things done. Even the way she holds her phone. Her bone structure! What did I miss?
She readily shares what is in her heart and mind. It shows she doesn't want boundaries. What's in her head she wants to put in yours. She's trusting you enough to tell you. One thing I never wanted her to feel is she couldn't share anything with me. All of her thoughts and feelings are precious. Every word. She's sentimental and feels things on a larger scale than your average person. She's all heart, but she's incredibly smart, as well. It's hard to find a finer combination. On top of that, I also found her to be the woman I was most attracted to in my 45 years.
She can be intimidating. To counter that, she also has a silly side, which is disarming. I mean, she is a wickedly smart woman (two degrees and highly regarded professionally) in a very attractive package and with a good sense of humor who exudes goodness, strength, love, grace, poise, godliness, and ... breathe, Joshua ... so she would necessarily have to have something to make her more approachable. If you met her, you'd understand. It's like how Marilyn Monroe had to act silly so people wouldn't be so intimidated. She interfaces well with all people, young or old. They all like her. She makes room for many people in her life, even though her time is in high demand. God blessed her with so many friends she could lose some and never feel the loss, which tells me I'm not the only one who sees how special she is. She is kind and friendly, which is also disarming. I bet a lot of men got the wrong message from her over the years just because she is so sweet and friendly. And then they, no doubt, chased her as I did. No wonder she was so patient with me. She's been through that before. Cindy, thank you for being patient and kind with me! I know when a woman is receptive. I just wanted you. I'm sure every reader understands wanting something that much. She is exceptional. I spent years extolling her virtues and praising her, but I don't see all of her. We never get to see all of a person. Am I critical of her? No. Do I blame her for anything? No. Do I see her in a negative light? Absolutely not. You're talking about the girl I love. I will always defend her.
She is competitive. A second-born. So that's natural for her. She's also a good intermediary, as she is also a middle child. I think that role could be tiring because it involves getting in other people's heads and reducing down their actions to motivations. Being a go-between can be stressful, but she handles that role well. She is a very strong person. She also keeps much to herself.
Another quality is alacrity. She seems ready and happy to make someone's day brighter. She's punctual. Probably dislikes it when others are late or procrastinate. She's a busy person. Who knows what all she does. I don't like being excessively busy because, well, I just don't. But she doesn't seem to mind. Having two kids and being both parents is enough to keep her busy. Imagine the toll that takes on a person over the years. I would help if I could.
Words affect her. Many times I said something off the cuff and saw her recoil. (Once I said her daughter may end up with a man like her ex-husband, and that was a rather sour thought.) It seems she actually feels words. Words can make her day. Or bust her up. Some words she seemed to love. (She is also incredibly on guard against lies. It speaks to the abusiveness of her marriage. Sometimes she would see a lie in something I said, but why on earth would I lie to this woman? I respect her so much, plus I'm a terrible liar. Sure, I can say stupid things, but I would never knowingly lie to her.) We were a natural pairing because of our mutual affection for words. Her sensitivity to words is a peculiarity I love and respect. My words for her tend to be softer than those for others. I'm learning to be gentle with everyone, regardless.
Cindy is extraordinary but strives to live normally. Being normal probably makes life a lot easier, but I wouldn't know. (I didn't choose my fate; I was raised by wolves.) She doesn't seem to enjoy repetition. She'll be into something for a while and then totally over it. She doesn't seem to dwell on things. She is direct and to the point. If she doesn't see the point in something, she won't waste time on it. Sometimes she resists change. Probably a good thing because she has a good life and is already an amazing person and you wouldn't want her to change anyway. She doesn't seem to like heavy conversations. (Neither do I.) She already waded through more than her fair share of heavy and difficult. And with ease, poise, and grace. She's also a classic second-born because she likes to have fun. She will find the most fun way to do just about anything. She teases and likes to surprise or shock with what she says. She has a good sense of fun.
Cindy has a heart for things of God. She wants to know Him more. That's a rare quality. She is a wholesome, sweet girl. I loved what I saw in her. Yes, sometimes when we love someone they take on a rosy hue. I don't think that was the case. I would be impressed by her even if I wasn't in love with her. I often wondered how she made it through so many bad things. Maybe it was her innocence. Maybe it was an extra helping of grace. Maybe God took away the pain. Maybe all of it. She is incredibly innocent. I loved that about her. She is a treasure. Yeah, bad things happened to her, but it didn't become her. She has many of the fruits of the spirit.
Think about what she's been through. She was married to a man many would say is a psychopath and/or a narcissist and a whoremonger. He made their marriage an open mockery before the whole town. Many knew what he was doing. He was cavalier about his infidelity. There was physical abuse. Verbal assaults. (I firmly believe he cursed her in many ways.) She told me he acted like he was going to hurt her in front of her children, even. He used and abused her body and her soul. Wounded her spirit. Broke her heart over and over. Neglected her while he was out with who knows who. Instead of lifting her up, he put her down, made her afraid to love, and almost ruined one of the most beautiful and loving souls I know. And that's just a small part. I'm sure she didn't tell me even the half of it. For her to get dragged through that and come out clean on the other side is truly amazing.
She loved him and endured untold pain and humiliation, gave herself to him over and over, only to be hurt again and again. Like a lamb to the slaughter. I know it wasn't always that way, but it was too often. Someone warned her what her ex was like around the time they were married. Apparently, he's always been skeevy. And, she treated him like royalty. She was the perfect wife and mother in spite of being treated as a doormat and used for her body and soul. She even felt she betrayed the man by revealing the fact that she was being abused and cheated on. (Imagine that!) This woman is a treasure. I wish I could have spared her that. Her father camped out outside her house after she was separated/divorced (I don't remember which) with a gun every night for a year because he feared her ex would turn homicidal. I honestly had the same fear, but I was hundreds of miles away. If ever she was in danger, I would be the first to rush to her defense. Thank God she had a godly father who stood in the gap. Meanwhile, this girl was worried over her ex-husband's welfare before, during, and after divorce. And then let him go first toward having a new life/relationship after divorce. Even after all of that, she still shows him kindness. Her ex basically forfeited time with his children because he doesn't pay child support, but she lets him see them anyway. I bet her kids don't know that. There is a lot they don't know. She wouldn't want to deprive them anyway. After their divorce she even tried to reconcile with him because she wanted the kids to have one home instead of two. Clearly not thinking of herself because I couldn't think of a worse person for her to be with. She initiated, gave him untold chances to change, and created scaffolding (gave him books and went to therapy together). Her heart for even those who hurt her the most is unrelentingly gracious, kind, and merciful. I can't help but shake my head in wonder. She expanded my heart and mind to understand so many things.
She's sensitive but not fragile. Actually, she's strong and resilient. But, she's a treasure and should be treated as one. With care. Affection. Gentleness. Sweet words. I've often said she's perfect. I love her. That's why I see her as perfect. I would be quite impressed by her if I was not in love, but, because I loved her, I said she was perfect. She was perfect for me. If she changed something, she would still be perfect. In so many ways, she is praiseworthy, which is why I often thought about her. A lot of Type A people are impatient, but she was very patient with me. I was, no doubt, exasperating to deal with as I chased her. She's one of the most selfless people I know, too, always looking to help someone in need. She has a heart that is easily taken advantage of, a heart which I long to protect. (Maybe I should say people try to take advantage of her. She grew in strength since I've known her.) I don't know if it's the most beautiful thing about her, but I am in love with that heart. If she ever decides to trust me and give me a chance in the future, I won't take that lightly. It would be a tremendous honor to be trusted by a woman who has been through so much. I don't expect her to love me as I love her. Her love weighs more than anything I could ever give her. If you wonder why I said that, you missed one of the most amazing things about her.
I wrote all this and then went, "Oh, gosh, what an obnoxious mess." I mean, what if someone decided to write stuff they knew about me? There goes the guy who drives slowly around town, eating bananas. Or, here's the guy who writes stupid, self-obsessive crap. Both of those are possibly true, but that's not all there is. Cindy is one of the most complex people I've come across. She's self-effacing, kind, and approachable. Underneath, she has an amazing world of thoughts and emotions. She can be full of grace for a person one moment and be harsh with herself the next. She is a very deep person, one I wished to keep forever.
I wanted everyone to know who I was chasing. I wouldn't have spent that much time and effort chasing anyone else. She is special. I sought her heart. I never cared if we became physical or official and even told her that. (After the abuse she's been through, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want a physical and/or serious relationship, though I think those could have been healing. Would I even know what to do if such a beautiful woman was my girl? It would be a blessing, for sure.) I just wanted her in my life and wanted to experience her as long as we both were alive. Maybe that's called love. Maybe that's called something else. But that's the reason I persisted against the odds and the limitations of my personality (I am a true introvert, so imagine how much effort I put into chasing her). She's that rare and that special. I feel grateful I got to fall in love with her. Sometimes I see her around town and think, "There goes the girl I love." I wonder if she ever sees me and thinks, "There goes the man who loves me." Now some final thoughts.
This blog became a way to send love letters to the woman I loved. This post you just read? It’s a love letter. After writing hundreds of love letters, I wondered something. Did anyone ever see the author? Did Cindy feel his heart beating for her? Did anyone understand what they were looking at? This was an epic love story. I was the author. Hi. Nice to meet you. No one saw me. They saw the love I poured out on a beautiful soul day after day, year after year. A real person wrote this. This actually happened. My love was real and alive. This was my life. Inspired by a girl who didn’t ask for any of it. A girl who continues to inspire me. Thank you, Cindy. I hope you are well. I miss you.
***
I wrote much about my favorite girl over the years. I think she saw the way I loved her. There isn't anything wrong with writing about her, as it fulfills Philippians 4:8, but everything is coming strictly from memory and my perception. This was an incomplete and imperfect picture of the woman I fell in love with. We saw it from my perspective. But, from her perspective, what can we say? She had a lot of men fall in love with her, and a lot wanted the chance to. One even moved 400 miles, hoping to simply see her once in a while. And wrote hundreds of love letters to her over many years. He probably still pines for her. (What happened to him? Perhaps he quietly moved away, but no one knows if he ever moved on. Maybe they became best friends. Maybe they're taking a walk together as you read this.) Many women would love to have so many admirers. She has massive bragging rights. How many girls can say all that? She could tell her friends. Her family. Her grandchildren. She could, but she probably won't. She'll carry it silently in her heart like so many secrets she holds.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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