my careless contagion

This is a goodbye, and a hello. This will likely be my last post containing certain themes. It's not that I haven't let go. It's that some things still affect me. In all these things, my choice was to make things work. It was only with great reluctance that I was made to let go. I approached every relationship with kindness and patience. This isn't about healing. I will heal the rest of my life. Letting go is different. I had to try everything — and fail — first. It's a story that repeated. I was more than intentional. I showed up. I loved, was pushed away, and died over and over. Finally, I let go.  They say if a writer falls in love with you, you never die.  The last thing I remember was her small frame standing in the doorway crying. Fade Into You was playing from the turntable. The blonde girl walking on the dark street was so drunk, but when she saw me standing in the Ohio drizzle that night with nothing but the sodium lights illuminating us, she said something...

Mr. Suave's Modcast. No, that's not a typo, silly computer. It's a podcast featuring mod-influenced music, which includes just about everything rock and roll, and I even heard some rap on his show. He's been doing the modcast for nearly 20 years, so there is a vast library to explore. I include a sample here, but it's so eclectic, it's not an accurate representation of the average show. I'm extremely promiscuous when it comes to music (as well as cars I drive), so everything sounds good to me. I realize most people have specific genres they like. If you are into rock and roll, check out Mr. Suave. He is on a few platforms and his website is  www.mistersuave.com . I listen to him on YouTube as I walk.  The last 13 months were very trying for me. I mean, if a grown-ass man’s mom texts him every day and every night to make sure he’s still alive, that’s not a small thing. I listened to a lot of sermons and videos from hundreds of people to process and heal from ...

Doing better. Still feel sad some days but am in a better place than a few weeks ago. The restorative and regenerative power of God’s love is amazing . I couldn’t do it. I gave up. God said it’s not good to sit in the pain; it’s time to get up. He walked me out of it.  God showed me the difference between responsibilities regarding my decisions versus the same with others’ decisions. I didn’t respect the decision of the woman to stop pursuing marriage and friendship. My role was to accept,  not fight it. It was not my decision, therefore I had no power to change it. I can override decisions in my household and some at work. And I can effect change in the spiritual. The issue of the letters is put to bed. I will not send them. I am not to blame for their separation and divorce. It was with a sigh of relief that this thing that bothered me for years was resolved. I was finally and forever free! I wish it hadn’t happened, just as I wish the end of my relationship to the woman h...

It's hard to encapsulate what I went through the last few months in a few posts. Just doing little snapshots. Together, they form a collage or tapestry of thoughts and feelings, things broken and things coming together.  I felt something happen Tuesday, August 20. I felt it in my spirit. Something changed as I sat in the dentist's chair after work that day. I don't know what it was, but I felt a breaking, release, vexation, a sudden realization that life wasn't going to be the same. I dissociated and felt I was floating on clouds for days. (I even switched dentists.) Whatever it was, it was big. I am what many would describe as an empath, but this was something out of the ordinary. It was like a shudder or shift in the spirit realm.  When everything went down in September, I didn't realize it at the time, but there was an undetected spiritual attack. It was separate from what happened with me and the girl, yet it came at the same time. I had my focus on the letter a...

Just a collection of thoughts. I have no one to share with. This is probably the last time I write about this. What to say about the last 8 years? My health is worse. My soul suffered greatly . My personality isn't even the same. I lost myself. I’m recovering and healing and doing better every day. Not chasing something that doesn’t want me made an immediate difference. They say the pain you feel is your love returning to you, which explains why it was so bad. I am okay now. I have nothing but respect for the woman I chased. I was never critical of her. The following are observations only. Let me make it clear I don’t blame her. There were other factors. This particular thing just got to me like nothing else. The whole thing was deeply humbling. I looked up my experiences and reaction, and it is common. Mine was milder than some. That made me feel better.  Our misunderstandings and miscommunication were legendary, almost like we were doing it on purpose. For instance, I would make ...

The way forward after romantic disappointment is hard to see in the immediate aftermath. After much prayer and seeking God, I compiled statements that helped me define the way forward. They were helpful for me; maybe they will be for someone else. If I can prevent even a little heartbreak, it will be worth it. I forgive them. I forgive myself. Pray for them and ask God to bless them with healing or whatever they need the most.  I'm sad it ended, but I know I will be okay. Time and healing. You'll get there. It may be hard to see right now, but hang in there and you will look back in wonder at how far you've come.  What happened doesn't define me. I refuse to see myself as rejected. God loves and accepts me, and there is no higher love than His.  It wasn't all bad. There were good things, too. It's okay to remember the good things about the relationship. Recognize those were real moments and the feelings you had were real.  It's healthy to let go when things ...

The Love of My Life is a lovely book by British author Rosie Walsh. The Brits do some good writing, I must say, though I'm mostly familiar with classic English literature, the kind that makes you want to go for a walk on the heath or throw yourself off a chalk cliff. I wonder how many people who read romance novels realize the idea of romantic love is a relatively new construct. In fact, romance novels did much to popularize it. There is some argument, of course, but historians generally agree marrying for love is a new concept and not a base instinct. Romantic love, as we call it, lasts no longer than 3 years. No wonder so many marriages fail. True, love is just a choice we make, otherwise the Bible wouldn't tell us to love one another or for husbands to love their wives, etc. It's a choice. But, for most, they need the feeling of falling in love first. That chemical bond is necessary. Hormones. Attraction. A woman knows within seconds if she wants to make love to a man. M...

I would be remiss to leave this space without posting something from Samiam (it's been a while, but I did post something before). I had to do a bit of a thinky-think session as to what to post, though. She Found You (1997) won, though many others deserve honorable mention. Simply wanted to post a good song from a band that captured my attention for many years. This was one of the first songs I heard and it's still a favorite. I even drove from Ohio to Pittsburg (staying in New Jersey, eww) to see them play a festival, and then turned around and caught them in Detroit about a week later. They continue to record music and tour. Anyway.  Other songs contending for the prize were Mud Hill (a proper breakup song), Dull (about how dull life can be when you're alone), and Sunshine (how I imagine being a girl and the object of someone's affection feels like). None of them made as much sense as She Found You, as it is clear I was greatly affected by relationships with women in...

I asked my mom to answer questions recently about motherhood. Here are her answers. I include it here because it is retrospective in nature and I don't want to lose it.  *** 1.Favorite memory: It’s really hard to pinpoint one thing. I loved holding my babies, carrying them. Having them fall asleep on my shoulder. Nursing them, knowing I was feeding them something that was really good for them. You would nurse for  awhile  , then pull away, smile at me, then go back to nursing. What a joy! When you were older, reading books together was fun. I just loved having all my children underfoot, at home. As far as you were concerned, you gave the best hugs. When I was grouchy, you would ask if I needed a hug. You always seemed to understand me; we were on the same wavelength, You didn’t talk much, but when you did, you always had something important to say. You were thoughtful, you thought a lot about deep things. You had a good understanding of important things. I enjoyed having ...