Perfecting the art of being alone
"Divorce is stupid," I thought, as I turned my attention back to the game of billiards I was playing with my son. I observed the man I just met with his girlfriend and her kids at the pool. We were playing pool at the clubhouse, and my son said he knew the man so went and said hi, which led to me meeting him, as well. My thoughts continued with, "You just exchange families and end up raising someone else's kids, while some other man raises yours."
Incidentally, I met this man before, before all the bullying at my son's school. It was orientation. The man knew who I was and introduced himself because he did work for my parents and thought they were great people. (They can be.) Dominic is his name. He is the father of the kid, Ben, who was my son's main bully when school started. To say he was displeased with his son's actions would be an understatement. His son continues to exhibit poor behavior, but it's not usually directed at my son. They say Ben is greatly affected by his parents' divorce and hates his mom's boyfriend. Says he's "gross." He's acting out, I'm told.
I also met Ben's mother, who brought her four kids to my son's birthday party. I don't want to meet a lot of people, just want to fade into the background until I disappear, but the world keeps worlding. (Not a word, but try to keep up.) I don't know the circumstances that led to that couple's divorce. (She initiated.) All I know are my own, and I still believe divorce is stupid. Work it out, if you can, because the alternative is a psychological hellscape for the next (insert number) of years. You have to keep seeing and talking to the person you divorced, if you share children. So it never really ends. Even if your child leaves home, you're forever linked to your former partner genetically by a child. For those who think divorce is the easy way out, I disagree. Divorce is possibly the hardest path forward and should only be undertaken when all over avenues have been exhausted.
I remember my ex, tormented by the divorce proceedings, falling to her knees in the back room at work, begging me not to go through with it. I can still hear her wailing and crying herself to sleep in her bed at night as I sat in a different bed on the other side of the house. That sound and those images haunt me.
My son never knew stability. He flops back and forth between his mom's and dad's places, and I wonder why he doesn't care about keeping his room clean or keeping track of anything. Eight years ago, I was separated and was nearly divorced. I was told my divorce would be finalized before the end of the year, but it ended up being early February 2018. Nearly a decade. I read a book while I was going through divorce, trying to prepare myself for life after. The book contained real accounts of people's divorces, and the one that stuck out to me was the one who, 7 years after, hadn't settled in with anyone, was still defeated, stuck, unable to move forward. I thought to myself, "That won't be me." After 8 years, I admit, that is me.
As an anachronistic soul with the rarest personality type (INFJ), I never thought I would be married anyway, always thought it was some sort of miracle someone wanted to live with me. She loved me dearly, and with every one of the "love languages." Was our relationship perfect? Absolutely not, but that's detailed in past posts. I recall she went to a therapist, who told her she had "daddy issues" and "demons," which caused her to seek out attention from other men, even falling in love with a coworker. I still remember sitting in my room at my desk, looking out the window, when she told me she loved him. I hoped she would exit our relationship and spare me the burden of doing it. What happened to us? Why did I have to be drunk to make love? Why did I drink nearly every day? The wounds she put in me never healed. It was only after divorce was finalized and I found myself alone that I began the long, hard process of healing.
We were together 20 years, a fact that should not be overlooked. If we had kept the original spirit of our relationship, it would have been a beautiful thing. Instead, her repeated infidelity ate at me, destroyed my confidence, and caused me to dissociate heavily, seeking solace in isolation and alcohol. To this day, I feel best when I'm alone, though I know it's not healthy. I no longer seek anything from people, just want to enjoy my remaining days in peace, meditating on God, heaven, and being faithful to the end. A friend asked what I was going to do about sex. The answer is the same as what I did the last 8 years. Nothing.
If I had to do it again, would I have gone through with a divorce? A heavy question. If I did, I would have done so differently. I just wanted to stop hurting. Divorce amplified it. Seeing my son drive away, waving, with his mom every week broke me. My heart was ripped out of my chest every time.
There were women I could have moved forward with during the last 8 years. I think mostly of Heather, Anna, Kelli Jo, some others. I was entangled emotionally with a woman who did nothing but reject me, going back to our youth. That woman wanted nothing to do with me, did nothing but hurt me repeatedly. I explained everything in my post, The Naked and Famous — Young Blood. Last year, every tie to that woman was severed. Maybe God said "enough is enough." It felt like a prison sentence ended, so I tried to move forward. Perhaps God said I wasn't ready, or that it wasn't an option anymore. Eventually, my heart tired in more ways than one, then gave up, defeated. And so ended the long saga of my "love" life. The first girl I recall having a crush on was Kristen Braylie (sp), who was my babysitter's daughter. That's us above, having some juice and a snack, it looks like. So, more than 40 years I had affection for one female or another.
Fact: the woman who wrote the above is not interested in joining her life with another human being. She's looking for an accessory. The apps are full of women like this, who are looking for someone to fit them. With Western women, everything has to fit them. (They have no idea how spoiled they are.) Most divorces are initiated by women (college indoctrinated, I mean, educated), believing they could "do better," (they can't) or that "something is missing" (His name is Jesus). In our society, a woman's worth is defined by her beauty, which decreases with age. These women are expecting a pool of available, high-value men to chase them when they're divorced (damaged goods). Honey, you can't do better. You couldn't even keep the one you had. And you chose him for a reason; don't you remember? Go back to that moment. Rediscover your love. Why has society romanticized divorce? Single women want other women to be single too. It's true, what the Bible says when it talks about the love of many running cold. The devil knows there's one true source for love, and he hates when human beings show love to one another. Have you noticed people changed the last 6 years? It's a different world, like we are afraid of one another, forever divided. We have no love for fellow human beings anymore. Everyone feels like an NPC, and life doesn't feel real.
You ask, "What was the point?" This blog was supposed to capture what life looked like in the aftermath of divorce and the way forward. It ended in an unpredictable way. I should have written a different ending. You say there is still time, that in the blink of an eye, everything could change. The thought of being with a woman turns my stomach and causes endless anxiety. The last woman I was involved with (for a year and a half) ended our friendship by telling me she would be "miserable" with me, that the thought of being with me physically made her sick to her stomach. Imagine dragging someone to meet your family and talking with them about marriage, etc., and ending with those statements, the lies she told me along the way. I mean, good for her that she figured it out before it was too late and found someone who suits her better, but at what cost to me? Women don't think about things like that. So why would I want to emotionally invest in another dead end? I would have done anything for her, and that's how she chose to end it? It's not worth it for me, but maybe y'all are doing better than I did. Judging by the "male loneliness epidemic," a term coined by feminists, I bet not. Men are turned off by narcissistic, feminist, masculine women, which is what Western society produces. You say I keep mentioning that woman, that I haven't healed. I mention her because it factored into my decision to be alone. I mention her briefly in an upcoming post for the same reason. That's her impact on my story. I wouldn't mention her otherwise. I even pray for her daily. She chose to hurt me instead of walking away friends, which is what I asked for. It forever changed the trajectory of my life. Yet she is forgiven. Just like I don’t watch Nebraska football anymore (Go, Bucs!) because it’s sad, I won’t always talk about this except as a part of my past, my story, how I got here. Just another sad epitaph.
The wounds from my marriage and divorce are also healed. It wasn't time that did the trick. It was God. The wounds from all past relationships are scars now, memories, including wounds from my abusive childhood. There is rare beauty in forgiveness. I hold nothing against anyone. They were all lessons, and some of those lessons were simply "stay away." If I was trying to date, I wouldn't look for woman who called herself a Christian, not after what I've been through. They will cut your throat one day and sit in church the next like it was nothing, asking their friends to pray for you, instead of looking at themselves — splattered with blood — in the mirror. The disconnect is wild.
Now, I practice the art of being alone, which began at a young age. It's where I feel best — safe, at peace, free. Only it's not true solitaire. I walk with the Lord and commune with Him. I learned an old boss I had for 16 years was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. At the most, he has two years to live. The man treated me poorly for years, yet I did not hesitate when moved to write him a note with the sinner's prayer, expressing my desire to see him on the other side of this cruel world. The choice is his. I didn't want him to feel alone when facing death. God is always near. We just have to invite Him in.
Contentment sometimes takes great strength. Though it may seem I gave up much by ending my search for love, I actually gained a lot, mostly peace. There's a lot to be said for peace and stability at my age. My heart healed, and I don't want to tear it open again. Gone is the forever wondering and waiting. In its place is a calm acceptance of what needed to take place. It wasn't the beautiful ending I wanted to write, but it was still beautiful in its own way. Being alone is not for everyone. It takes an anachronistic soul. You have to tend to your inner world. Feed your mind, your thoughts with good things. Read often, listen to podcasts, enjoy good music, be active, don't forsake human engagement that is uplifting, and nourish your spirit. As an introvert, my world is inside anyway. I don't consider myself a Christian anymore, just someone who loves Jesus. Every time I think of Him, I cry. That love is what propels me. I no longer go to church, not since I moved, as I reject Christianity and all the noise that comes with it. My relationship with Jesus is all I care about. With Him, I am never alone.
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If you haven't asked Jesus into your heart, wouldn't you like to? You can say a simple prayer like this: "Lord Jesus, if I've never asked you into my heart before, please come into my heart now and save me from all my sins." If you mean it, He will, and you just started your own adventure with God.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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