my careless contagion

This is a goodbye, and a hello. This will likely be my last post containing certain themes. It's not that I haven't let go. It's that some things still affect me. In all these things, my choice was to make things work. It was only with great reluctance that I was made to let go. I approached every relationship with kindness and patience. This isn't about healing. I will heal the rest of my life. Letting go is different. I had to try everything — and fail — first. It's a story that repeated. I was more than intentional. I showed up. I loved, was pushed away, and died over and over. Finally, I let go.  They say if a writer falls in love with you, you never die.  The last thing I remember was her small frame standing in the doorway crying. Fade Into You was playing from the turntable. The blonde girl walking on the dark street was so drunk, but when she saw me standing in the Ohio drizzle that night with nothing but the sodium lights illuminating us, she said something...

Doing better. Still feel sad some days but am in a better place than a few weeks ago. The restorative and regenerative power of God’s love is amazing . I couldn’t do it. I gave up. God said it’s not good to sit in the pain; it’s time to get up. He walked me out of it.  God showed me the difference between responsibilities regarding my decisions versus the same with others’ decisions. I didn’t respect the decision of the woman to stop pursuing marriage and friendship. My role was to accept,  not fight it. It was not my decision, therefore I had no power to change it. I can override decisions in my household and some at work. And I can effect change in the spiritual. The issue of the letters is put to bed. I will not send them. I am not to blame for their separation and divorce. It was with a sigh of relief that this thing that bothered me for years was resolved. I was finally and forever free! I wish it hadn’t happened, just as I wish the end of my relationship to the woman h...

It's hard to encapsulate what I went through the last few months in a few posts. Just doing little snapshots. Together, they form a collage or tapestry of thoughts and feelings, things broken and things coming together.  I felt something happen Tuesday, August 20. I felt it in my spirit. Something changed as I sat in the dentist's chair after work that day. I don't know what it was, but I felt a breaking, release, vexation, a sudden realization that life wasn't going to be the same. I dissociated and felt I was floating on clouds for days. (I even switched dentists.) Whatever it was, it was big. I am what many would describe as an empath, but this was something out of the ordinary. It was like a shudder or shift in the spirit realm.  When everything went down in September, I didn't realize it at the time, but there was an undetected spiritual attack. It was separate from what happened with me and the girl, yet it came at the same time. I had my focus on the letter a...

Just a collection of thoughts. I have no one to share with. This is probably the last time I write about this. What to say about the last 8 years? My health is worse. My soul suffered greatly . My personality isn't even the same. I lost myself. I’m recovering and healing and doing better every day. Not chasing something that doesn’t want me made an immediate difference. They say the pain you feel is your love returning to you, which explains why it was so bad. I am okay now. I have nothing but respect for the woman I chased. I was never critical of her. The following are observations only. Let me make it clear I don’t blame her. There were other factors. This particular thing just got to me like nothing else. The whole thing was deeply humbling. I looked up my experiences and reaction, and it is common. Mine was milder than some. That made me feel better.  Our misunderstandings and miscommunication were legendary, almost like we were doing it on purpose. For instance, I would make ...

First, thank you to the Lord for everything that happened this year. God uses everything, even the worst. Learned things. Feel different. More stable. And doing well, even feel mostly healed. Didn't do anything special except waited on God. I have zero ill will for anyone, including myself. Just thankful for blessings and enjoying life (I work outside, so sometimes the weather makes it hard, but a hot bath at the end of the day makes up for it). Looking forward. Making plans, God willing. Staying out of trouble. I know, boring. For anyone who prayed for me, thank you. If you didn’t, well, at least you didn’t pray against me. 😊  Now, the question of the unsent letters to the woman’s ex and kids. I did due diligence to pray, fast, and listen to the Lord.  Based on the information I have, looking at it carefully and logically, the conclusion was I was not to blame for the separation or divorce of the woman I was involved with. She made those decisions independently and for ...

Leave it to me to have further thoughts and no one with whom to share. Until I have a reliable confidante, I will dump here.  Been listening to podcasts and sermons lately on my walks and during work. Interesting one from Derek Prince about the fear of the Lord . He stated that what we fear is our god. It could be anything. I looked inside and realized my personality is designed to protect my wounds, and being wounded was the thing I feared the most, as evidenced by what happened two months ago. I was like Job with the thing he greatly feared.  So much energy was directed at protecting myself I often neglected to follow through with normal Christian behavior, loving those around me, giving of myself, dying to self, etc. Given this revelation, it is sinful to act or react based on the needs of my wound or trauma. That means my recent reaction was sinful. It was an ugly realization, and I prayed God would change my personality if necessary. I also apologize to the one I hurt. I ...

The Love of My Life is a lovely book by British author Rosie Walsh. The Brits do some good writing, I must say, though I'm mostly familiar with classic English literature, the kind that makes you want to go for a walk on the heath or throw yourself off a chalk cliff. I wonder how many people who read romance novels realize the idea of romantic love is a relatively new construct. In fact, romance novels did much to popularize it. There is some argument, of course, but historians generally agree marrying for love is a new concept and not a base instinct. Romantic love, as we call it, lasts no longer than 3 years. No wonder so many marriages fail. True, love is just a choice we make, otherwise the Bible wouldn't tell us to love one another or for husbands to love their wives, etc. It's a choice. But, for most, they need the feeling of falling in love first. That chemical bond is necessary. Hormones. Attraction. A woman knows within seconds if she wants to make love to a man. M...

I spent a lot of time on this blog giving space to my own words. Today is different. Today I got the following in my inbox. I publish it here because I can't form my own words. I am beyond devastated. I replied to it, of course, but that was for me. Now this is for her. This is what Cindy wrote to me last night, which I read this morning. The above photo is one of my favorites. Maybe that's her now, finally at peace about me. Free. I hope so.  *** Hi Joshua, I don't know how to put everything into words that I've been processing in my mind for the last few weeks, but I'm going to do it as clearly as I can. My cousin said something last week that really brought some clarity to my situation with you and me. She was talking about how she was so undecided when her now-husband was pursuing her. She would be all in with him and then pull back and go through that cycle over and over again. Sound familiar? She recounted the story in Mark 11, when the Pharisees were asking J...

January 28, 2018, I started this blog. I was alone and the divorce was nearly final (February 8). With no one to talk to about what I was feeling, I wrote here, originally transcribing from a notebook. What began as a form of therapy evolved into a journey of faith. What started in a very bad place ended in a much better place, though I am still alone. This blog garnered 34,000 hits over six years, which is a big surprise. (Also surprised attempts to create a new blog failed, but the love letters written to a certain woman were likely the reason anyone read here anyway.) Thank you to everyone who read here at some point. I prayed you got something out of it. Learned a lot about myself and am a lot humbler at its closing than at its beginning. Honesty, facing problems, and working toward solutions paid off, but it was God who did a work.  I cut my teeth on gospel songs. Win Worley's song sermons were my favorite and listened to them on cassette over and over. Such joy in that man...