Further thoughts, part three
Just a collection of thoughts. I have no one to share with. This is probably the last time I write about this.
What to say about the last 8 years? My health is worse. My soul suffered greatly. My personality isn't even the same. I lost myself. I’m recovering and healing and doing better every day. Not chasing something that doesn’t want me made an immediate difference. They say the pain you feel is your love returning to you, which explains why it was so bad. I am okay now. I have nothing but respect for the woman I chased. I was never critical of her. The following are observations only. Let me make it clear I don’t blame her. There were other factors. This particular thing just got to me like nothing else. The whole thing was deeply humbling. I looked up my experiences and reaction, and it is common. Mine was milder than some. That made me feel better.
Our misunderstandings and miscommunication were legendary, almost like we were doing it on purpose. For instance, I would make an observation and it would be perceived as criticism. I said she was an aggressive driver once, long ago. I never said it was a bad thing. The thing is, when you love someone, you accept them as they are. She's Type A and I love that about her. I always accepted her as she was and didn't want to change a thing. I was head over heels in love. She could have been an axe murderer and I wouldn't have cared. But she heard what I said as critical, which it was never intended to be. I simply observed the woman I loved. I must have been a poor communicator. This blog was the source of many misunderstandings. We were best when we were in the same room. We had so much going for us.
She mentioned I said something about not hearing from God about us, and I don't recall saying that. I said normally God warns me before something like that happens (the Dear John letter). There was no warning. I was speaking about my observations and feelings and she felt attacked. I should have kept my reactions to myself. I hope she forgives me. I lost the thing most precious to me in this world and there was a huge hole in my chest. My heart was broken. She didn't understand how I felt because it wasn't the same level of loss for her. She lost someone she didn't have feelings for. And her words led me to believe she had an exit strategy, which I didn't. She was my goal. No, I don't believe God chooses mates for us. I think that's in the realm of choice. Yes, He answers prayers about people when they have questions. And there are certain cases when He will put someone together. Samson is a good example of how God lets us choose, and He works with our choices for His purposes. I believe He shows us what is in our own hearts, and that’s good enough. I never meant to (but may have inadvertently) invalidate her choices or question what God said to her. I will not argue with someone who believes God told them something about someone. I apologized for what I said that upset her and accepted her path forward without me. My actions and words since then have been consistently respectful and in line with her wishes.
I never understood why she pushed away a good man who loved her so much. Was it guilt or shame or lack of self-worth? Did she just not find me attractive? Did she not believe she was worthy of love? She didn't love me. There's no other explanation. She was afraid I was going to reject her. I said I wouldn’t. She rejected me instead. What bothered me wasn’t the fact that it happened as much as the timing and the way it happened. I asked her a month or two before if we could be friends the rest of my time here because it looked like she and I were done trying for more. So I understood the situation.
By now, she is with someone. When we are obedient to God, He moves swiftly. She said plainly more than once she does not want to see me again. I keep reiterating because my brain has trouble accepting. We went from something to nothing overnight, and it could not understand. It doesn't make sense to her to see me again. I accepted her choice.
It was a terrible blow and destroyed what was left of my self-will, self direction, etc. I was broken. I wished it had happened sooner, because now I don't have a whole lot of options. Maybe that's the point. I am anxious to heal completely. I'm getting close. I am committed to healing the right way. That takes time.
I know it's hard to see how big of a deal it was to me from the outside. The only thing I can do is ask someone how they would feel if someone took away the thing they cared about the most in the world. Gone. Forever. In a moment. Imagine your shock and the waves of grief and how you would fight and how upset you would be. That's what losing her was like. Getting rejected by her was the thing I greatly feared. Like Job. If I was Abraham, she was my Isaac. I know my heart attitude was wrong. I repented. There was also a spiritual element to what I felt. It was a simple rejection, but something came with it, which I can’t explain.
I grieved many things: loss of the present, future, my home. I now face the unknown. Probable separation from my son. An unsettled feeling and PTSD-like symptoms. My heart changed through the process of grieving. I am a different person. Looking back on how I reacted to everything, I am appalled, though I realize why it happened. God must have known it needed to happen so He could heal that wound completely by exposing it. I don't understand why He does things, but my attitude changed and I thanked God instead of questioned. It was an ugly initial reaction, but it makes sense considering how much space she took up in my heart. It was like losing my world (typical anxious reaction). From what I read, it was a normal reaction to losing someone who I loved greatly, but as a Christian I am held to a higher standard. And it was an unChristian reaction. I apologized to her. She didn't understand my reaction because she wasn't attached to me and didn't have feelings. So she ended our friendship, also, which compounded my grief. Imagine a child with his favorite toy which was taken away and then his next favorite toy right after. And he loves those toys more than anything. I had a tantrum in the same vein.
I never tried to manipulate, control, dominate, or otherwise change her. If I did, it was inadvertent. I accepted her as she was. I never asked her to change. I saw her as a lovely Christian woman and enjoyed doing anything with her. Not once did I not enjoy my time with her. I would have been happy to be her friend the rest of my life. I don’t think she ever understood me. She often thought the worst when I had nothing but good intentions. She frequently misinterpreted my intentions and words. (Especially text. I don’t think it happened much in person.) My approach to her was as good as could be. I was respectful and patient and loved her every way possible. I did everything you’re supposed to do. I have no regrets about how I acted toward her. Wish I could take back some words at the end though.
When the wound was activated, I reacted. In the future, because God will heal it, I know that won’t happen with whomever I’m with, if God allows that. I got prayer recently, which helped. I screwed up. Nothing to do but accept and move on. God has a way forward. He uses our mistakes too. Amen.
A horrible recollection came to me regarding the unsent letters, which is the woman who I was involved with said I was the cause of her separation and divorce and she would still be married had I not come into her life (probably where I got the idea in the first place), which, if true, means I have to send the letters. She always spoke the truth, and I don't know why she would tell me that if it wasn't true. This is a big piece of evidence straight from the horse's mouth. This tilts the scales because no one knows the facts better than her.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
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