my careless contagion

Doing better. Still feel sad some days but am in a better place than a few weeks ago. The restorative and regenerative power of God’s love is amazing . I couldn’t do it. I gave up. God said it’s not good to sit in the pain; it’s time to get up. He walked me out of it.  God showed me the difference between responsibilities regarding my decisions versus the same with others’ decisions. I didn’t respect the decision of the woman to stop pursuing marriage and friendship. My role was to accept,  not fight it. It was not my decision, therefore I had no power to change it. I can override decisions in my household and some at work. And I can effect change in the spiritual. The issue of the letters is put to bed. I will not send them. I am not to blame for their separation and divorce. It was with a sigh of relief that this thing that bothered me for years was resolved. I was finally and forever free! I wish it hadn’t happened, just as I wish the end of my relationship to the woman h...

It's hard to encapsulate what I went through the last few months in a few posts. Just doing little snapshots. Together, they form a collage or tapestry of thoughts and feelings, things broken and things coming together.  I felt something happen Tuesday, August 20. I felt it in my spirit. Something changed as I sat in the dentist's chair after work that day. I don't know what it was, but I felt a breaking, release, vexation, a sudden realization that life wasn't going to be the same. I dissociated and felt I was floating on clouds for days. (I even switched dentists.) Whatever it was, it was big. I am what many would describe as an empath, but this was something out of the ordinary. It was like a shudder or shift in the spirit realm.  When everything went down in September, I didn't realize it at the time, but there was an undetected spiritual attack. It was separate from what happened with me and the girl, yet it came at the same time. I had my focus on the letter a...

Just a collection of thoughts. I have no one to share with. This is probably the last time I write about this. What to say about the last 8 years? My health is worse. My soul suffered greatly . My personality isn't even the same. I lost myself. I’m recovering and healing and doing better every day. Not chasing something that doesn’t want me made an immediate difference. They say the pain you feel is your love returning to you, which explains why it was so bad. I am okay now. I have nothing but respect for the woman I chased. I was never critical of her. The following are observations only. Let me make it clear I don’t blame her. There were other factors. This particular thing just got to me like nothing else. The whole thing was deeply humbling. I looked up my experiences and reaction, and it is common. Mine was milder than some. That made me feel better.  Our misunderstandings and miscommunication were legendary, almost like we were doing it on purpose. For instance, I would make ...

The Love of My Life is a lovely book by British author Rosie Walsh. The Brits do some good writing, I must say, though I'm mostly familiar with classic English literature, the kind that makes you want to go for a walk on the heath or throw yourself off a chalk cliff. I wonder how many people who read romance novels realize the idea of romantic love is a relatively new construct. In fact, romance novels did much to popularize it. There is some argument, of course, but historians generally agree marrying for love is a new concept and not a base instinct. Romantic love, as we call it, lasts no longer than 3 years. No wonder so many marriages fail. True, love is just a choice we make, otherwise the Bible wouldn't tell us to love one another or for husbands to love their wives, etc. It's a choice. But, for most, they need the feeling of falling in love first. That chemical bond is necessary. Hormones. Attraction. A woman knows within seconds if she wants to make love to a man. M...

Joey, as I recall, actually looked a bit like James Dean. Joey was his name. I know he was Indian (dot, not feather), and I think he lived in Columbus. I had moved in with my girlfriend, Kate, that summer. We got our own place. I remember holding her as she cried because there were dead cockroaches in the cupboards and the fridge smelled like paint (we got it replaced). I said we'd make the place ours. These were little things. The important thing was we were doing it together.  She cheated on me with Joey, a guy she met on IRC, the same place she met me. I took her to the bus stop and picked her up from the bus stop, her mood quite different upon her return. I must have been incredibly stupid to think she was going to just hang out and have dinner with someone. He got her off. She didn't return the favor. That sounds about right for her. I should have kicked her out when she told me what happened, but instead I slept on the floor in the other room, my little bed trample...

When is a haircut more than a haircut? It's not really a joke. But if it was, the punchline would be, "When you go to Randy's barbershop."  Randy is the only barber in town. There are salons, but do I look like a salon guy? Randy is a John Wayne character (indeed, much of the memorabilia in his shop is John Wayne-related, and the movie he was playing when I last went featured — you guessed it — John Wayne), and he epitomizes the town I live in (tough, no-nonsense, get outta my way, ya fruit loop). His shop is full of funny, kitschy stuff, lots of war stuff, mementos. He has a framed copy of a letter to the editor from the local newspaper praising him for saving the letter writer's life; you see Randy spotted a suspicious growth on the man's neck. It turned out to be cancer. He's a hero, according to the clipping. An unsung hero. But when I walk into Randy's shop, I cower. For me, all his signs say, "Don't fuck up my day, boy."  Why...

The Vaccines released this album — What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? — in 2011. I quickly fell in love with it back then, then lost it somehow, and now own it again. I'm so glad because I fucking love this album . It brought a lot of things back to me in a way that only music can.  I was surely listening to this album a lot when I decided to leave my ex-wife initially. I had a ton of time alone (though not really free time). Always have. That's how I live. I live alone. I'm not entirely sure how other people exist without alone time. Oh, that's right. Real people have real lives, and real lives have other people in them. And, hopefully, enjoyable people. I keep forgetting that. I've posted the whole album here, though I feel the best way to listen to it is on a proper format like CD (preferably on vinyl, though). As with anything, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But, let me say, this album is beautiful to me. I'm sure all y'all are scared ...

Suspicious minds by Elvis Presley has always been one of my favorite songs. This song was released in 1969, way before I was born. In fact, I've never known a world with Elvis Presley, as he died about a month before I was born.  The fact that I can listen to this song so many years after its release tells me it has a universal and timeless appeal. Unfortunately, the theme of the song is suspicion, which is a poison to any relationship.   As I enter the great fray of singlehood, I'm faced with the realization that any woman I'm with in the future will have someone else in her heart. It could be a past lover or lovers or someone they wish they would have been with instead of me, some of them very real and some of them in the realm of fantasy. Even a girl in her 20s is bound to have someone else in her heart, someone who she keeps warm there without ever saying as much.  Our hearts are deceitful, even to us. We think we know what's in them, but we often don'...

I remember kneeling by your chair as you broke down and told me what you'd done. It was almost 20 years ago, but I remember you braiding your curly hair in an anxiety-ridden state like it was yesterday. You weren't like this when I dropped you off at the bus station a few days before. Something happened in Cleveland that you didn't want to talk about. I sat and listened. You cheated on me with a boy you met on internet relay chat. His name was Joey. I knew him; he was Indian, very good looking in your estimation, I'm sure. His sister cooked you all dinner. There were other details. And then I wished I didn't know them. And then I wished you hadn't done it.  My strongest reaction as a young male with no other clear coping mechanism was to make love to you. I wanted you back. I wanted to claim you as mine again. I wanted you to know I loved you and forgave you. You clearly felt bad about what you'd done. I thought you'd take my advances and run with ...

Freedom winds its way around me in the wild wind. It boldly makes its way in the dark and starry nights. It saunters in the moonlight and howls for all those prisoners safe in their homes. There is freedom out there, boys, but it's not here in all this noise. Here, we are slaves and demigods. Out there are heroes and gods.  The trees are free to feel, but they cannot go. They spend their entire lives sucking dirt, holding tight, weathering storms and bugs and blight. Their strength is in staying. I admire them, but I am not like them. My strength is in going. Always going. Always gone. Always somewhere else.  Staring at this night, I can feel it calling me. Staring down this road, I can feel the pull. There is a wildness in me. For the first time in more than 20 years, I am free, utterly free. I have no master. I have no maid. I have no fear and no rules and no reason to stay. I am as free as the wind that blows right by me.  I can love that woman and ...