Further thoughts, part four
It's hard to encapsulate what I went through the last few months in a few posts. Just doing little snapshots. Together, they form a collage or tapestry of thoughts and feelings, things broken and things coming together.
I felt something happen Tuesday, August 20. I felt it in my spirit. Something changed as I sat in the dentist's chair after work that day. I don't know what it was, but I felt a breaking, release, vexation, a sudden realization that life wasn't going to be the same. I dissociated and felt I was floating on clouds for days. (I even switched dentists.) Whatever it was, it was big. I am what many would describe as an empath, but this was something out of the ordinary. It was like a shudder or shift in the spirit realm.
When everything went down in September, I didn't realize it at the time, but there was an undetected spiritual attack. It was separate from what happened with me and the girl, yet it came at the same time. I had my focus on the letter and missed what else was happening. I didn't recognize it at the time, and completely apologize to the girl for my reaction. I must have conflated her with what was happening to me. I have not felt that kind of attack since about three years ago when I blacked out several times after a voice said it was going to kill me. No, I don't normally hear voices. But I pray things that make me a target. Unfortunately the girl got caught in the crossfire. I'm sorry, if she ever reads this.
I mourned things I never intended to give up, things I hoped would be there always. I've never been through such intense mourning. I know what godly sorrow feels like, but that wasn't it. But it's done. I can't write about it more because 1) it's beyond the timeframe to discuss it and 2) it interrupts my healing and 3) it gives too much room to a wound and 4) it prevents me from accepting a reality not of my choosing and 5) it doesn't give any glory to God.
There are other matters.
Sending the letters. I proved it is biblical and correct. If I am to take responsibility for their separation and divorce (according to her, I am to blame), then I must send the letters. If she corrects me and takes responsibility for choosing to go the route of separation and divorce, I don't have to send them. It's the only loophole I see. It doesn't let me off the hook for what I did (I was punished), but the letters were apologizing for causing the separation/divorce, so clearly if I wasn't to blame, I can't send the letters. To complicate matters, me and her lost contact. All I know is this will set me free either way. And I can be done writing about this. She is more than done and surely wishes I would go away. After this is resolved, I will. The next decision is timing, and now is not the time because the man getting the letters is my son's soccer coach, who I have to see twice a week and who regularly manhandles my son. He's already a volatile, yelly man. Quite literally the polar opposite of me. She chose that man for a reason. The whole alpha facade would be tiring, but love blooms in the rockiest of soil, and she was one of the toughest women I've known. I'm glad she's free. Glad she's in a better place. God knows she deserves all the happiness in the world. So appreciative she gave me a shot. Always wanted the best for her. She’s in the middle of her blessings right now. Amen.
And there's something else but decided it was better to delete that paragraph until it becomes clearer. It’s my health.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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