my careless contagion

Doing better. Still feel sad some days but am in a better place than a few weeks ago. The restorative and regenerative power of God’s love is amazing . I couldn’t do it. I gave up. God said it’s not good to sit in the pain; it’s time to get up. He walked me out of it.  God showed me the difference between responsibilities regarding my decisions versus the same with others’ decisions. I didn’t respect the decision of the woman to stop pursuing marriage and friendship. My role was to accept,  not fight it. It was not my decision, therefore I had no power to change it. I can override decisions in my household and some at work. And I can effect change in the spiritual. The issue of the letters is put to bed. I will not send them. I am not to blame for their separation and divorce. It was with a sigh of relief that this thing that bothered me for years was resolved. I was finally and forever free! I wish it hadn’t happened, just as I wish the end of my relationship to the woman h...

It's hard to encapsulate what I went through the last few months in a few posts. Just doing little snapshots. Together, they form a collage or tapestry of thoughts and feelings, things broken and things coming together.  I felt something happen Tuesday, August 20. I felt it in my spirit. Something changed as I sat in the dentist's chair after work that day. I don't know what it was, but I felt a breaking, release, vexation, a sudden realization that life wasn't going to be the same. I dissociated and felt I was floating on clouds for days. (I even switched dentists.) Whatever it was, it was big. I am what many would describe as an empath, but this was something out of the ordinary. It was like a shudder or shift in the spirit realm.  When everything went down in September, I didn't realize it at the time, but there was an undetected spiritual attack. It was separate from what happened with me and the girl, yet it came at the same time. I had my focus on the letter a...

Just a collection of thoughts. I have no one to share with. This is probably the last time I write about this. What to say about the last 8 years? My health is worse. My soul suffered greatly . My personality isn't even the same. I lost myself. I’m recovering and healing and doing better every day. Not chasing something that doesn’t want me made an immediate difference. They say the pain you feel is your love returning to you, which explains why it was so bad. I am okay now. I have nothing but respect for the woman I chased. I was never critical of her. The following are observations only. Let me make it clear I don’t blame her. There were other factors. This particular thing just got to me like nothing else. The whole thing was deeply humbling. I looked up my experiences and reaction, and it is common. Mine was milder than some. That made me feel better.  Our misunderstandings and miscommunication were legendary, almost like we were doing it on purpose. For instance, I would make ...

Perfect by Ed Sheeran is a romantic fairytale of a song. It is beautiful. It is lyrical perfection. I imagine this song has been played thousands of times at weddings and high school dances across the world (and not just because it's a waltz). And the video — which has over 2 billion views, well — there's even a kitten in it!  I hesitate to use the word "perfect" because there is no such thing as perfection in this world. But I've used that word to describe the woman I love. I don't know if love simply blinds us to imperfections or what, but some people really do seem perfect.  During my recent visit to Nebraska, I got to hang out with the woman I am head over heels in love with. The last day, she told me I should see her as she really is without any makeup, with her hair up, and in her jammies. What did she expect me to see? I still saw the beautiful woman I'm in love with. Nothing changed for me. I'd love to wake up next to that every day. Tr...