Thoughts on choices
Doing better. Still feel sad some days but am in a better place than a few weeks ago. The restorative and regenerative power of God’s love is amazing. I couldn’t do it. I gave up. God said it’s not good to sit in the pain; it’s time to get up. He walked me out of it.
God showed me the difference between responsibilities regarding my decisions versus the same with others’ decisions. I didn’t respect the decision of the woman to stop pursuing marriage and friendship. My role was to accept, not fight it. It was not my decision, therefore I had no power to change it. I can override decisions in my household and some at work. And I can effect change in the spiritual.
The issue of the letters is put to bed. I will not send them. I am not to blame for their separation and divorce. It was with a sigh of relief that this thing that bothered me for years was resolved. I was finally and forever free! I wish it hadn’t happened, just as I wish the end of my relationship to the woman hadn’t happened. She closed the door. (Asked her to reconsider. She said no.) I respected her decision. I apologize for trying to change her mind.
I never saw her coming back into my life more than two years ago and never saw her leaving my life more than two months ago. Just wished we had been more healed before we tried for something. She has my utmost respect, and I am deeply thankful she tried to even be my friend.
A subconscious reason I moved here more than three years ago was for a resolution of things in my heart and mind. (If I lived in the same town as the girl I loved, I would deal with my feelings.) The woman removed all doubt about whether or not she loved me. And, as I sat in church one Sunday, it became clear many things are resolved by forgiveness. The purpose of this blog was to make sense of things. Forgiveness ends all discussion.
I don’t want to be this age and start over again. Don’t want to be separated from my son. Don’t want more of the unknown. Don’t know what to do. I plan on humbling myself in fasting several days next week and praying for the way forward. Almost died the last time I did that.
Something God impressed upon me is the power and necessity of decisions, something Christians are notoriously bad at. We rely on outside influences to make decisions, feelings, emotions, the words of friends, circumstances, or convenience over the use of our will. Sound decisions are based on logic, not emotions. Christians are passive. It’s all hoping and praying and never doing. (I don’t count Catholics as Christian, but they are not usually lazy.) We have an external locus of control, maybe because we believe God guides our lives, but we fail to realize how much of our lives hinge on choices. The Bible says we have a choice each day between life or death, blessings or curses. But we outsource or default on decisions. The woman I wanted to marry made the decision not to have me in her future (or the present), which I lamented greatly, and the decision changed the trajectory of multiple lives. It created movement. That’s the power of decision. If we make a decision, it happens, by virtue of having made a decision. I didn’t expect her to go the direction she did, but that was her choice. She had her reasons. She is free. Free of me, free of this.
This concept was interesting, so am sharing Derek Prince messages that explain further. The first is here, then part two, and there are many others on the subject. (I listened to more, but they are confusingly titled.) Made me consider the decisions I now face. As a servant of Christ, I seek Him first to understand if there is a reason not to go a certain way or if now is not the time, but it really is as simple as making choices. Give me a moment to rest, though.
There are sometimes puzzling events in a Christian’s life. God allows things for a reason and creates situations to fulfill purposes. Sometimes He blinds us. Keeps us in the dark. He knows we won’t go that way if we can see what we have to go through. I can’t tell anyone who goes through that process the purpose. God knows, and nothing is wasted as long as you love Him and are called according to His purpose. In my situation, something isn’t right. There is one unresolved issue, but it is between me and God.
In case anyone wondered, I pursued the woman for marriage for one reason. I wanted her to always be in my life. It was the only way I thought I could have her. It wasn’t because I wanted to smash (she is gorgeous, and I’m sure it would have been amazing) or any other reason. I saw great value in her and wished to never leave her life and wanted to be near her. I wanted friendship, but that which never ends, the kind that carries two souls through life. Growing old together as friends. I was in love, but the kind of love that wants the best for someone and waits patiently to be invited into their life. I did not seek my own desire except to be near her. Marriage was the obvious answer.
She had a rigid progression for us moving forward. We got stuck. I figured at our age and after what we went through, love wouldn’t look the same as when we were younger. It would develop differently, more carefully, without even noticing. But some need to move forward in a specific way, and I am sure she did with someone. God is moving in her life and blessing her abundantly, and rapidly. (I know she grew impatient with our situation.) The Bible says when we are obedient, our blessings pursue us! I am so thrilled for her. I wanted to see what God would do for years and prayed relentlessly for things that are happening now. I can only imagine! I loved her so much. God bless her.
Let me take a moment to apologize to those I unwittingly offended, especially with words, sometimes arrogant or stupid. (I tend to irritate Jezebel spirits, but this was something else.) I try to speak with confidence, not arrogance. I am humbled. If I tried to manipulate, control, dominate, or intimidate (outworkings of witchcraft) anyone, I apologize. I didn’t intend to do that but may have. My aim was to be forthright and helpful.
Regarding my health, I made an ENT appointment to see what can be done. I don’t have insurance, so that’s a concern. If a man who hates doctors makes an appointment to see a doctor, something is wrong. Also, I hope no one who read here thought my life was just problems. This was where I put things to dissect. You were reading my diary. Maybe you should apologize for reading my private thoughts, haha, or maybe I should for writing trite trash. I’m really not this obsessive or introspective. Pretty normal and laid back. Except when it comes to doing God’s work. I cursed a shop in town that sells New Age stuff like crystals months ago and recently heard it is closing. Amen.
***
The woman I was loved, if she is reading this, I ask her to stop here. The rest of this post will not be well received. (I stopped using her name out of respect for her decisions, as well as unpublished the majority of the blog for the same reason. And stopped following her on socials. Should probably stop writing about that poor woman too.)
Permit me a flight of fancy. The following is for entertainment purposes only. The girl I loved would not even want to read this. She was repulsed by me. She is likely having these thoughts about someone else. I think of it as a vacation from grieving. And sex while grieving is the most intense.
I imagine us as friends, and friends who, for whatever reason, decided it was okay to bang one out from time to time. We knew no one would get hurt. It was only between us. Though we were only friends, we also had an itch only one another could scratch. And so we indulged, a little at first and then more. It wasn’t love or lust, just the comfort of two bodies together. A safe place to … just be. Eyes closed. Breath on breath. Sleepy and hungry for more. Faces turned away. Succumbing to the sound of gentle rain. Hushed words, giggles, and sighs. A sharp inhalation. Time stops. She finishes first and laughs. It’s not a race, but she always does this. She does what she wants. I’m safe with her and she with me. The way I always imagined we would be.
The thoughts are temporary and will disappear by the time I post. I haven’t had them before.
It’s just part of the grieving process. It’s strange what the mind does to protect itself and process unwelcome things. It makes me think I probably dreamed up her affection for me all along. It was okay to believe an unreality for a while, but when she made it clear I should let go, I let go. (Not because I wanted to but out of respect.) The fact that these thoughts arrived near the end of the grieving process is a curious thing. The hard things were processed first, and that which we never did, and which was only ever a thought, came last. No pun intended.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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