Further thoughts, part two
First, thank you to the Lord for everything that happened this year. God uses everything, even the worst. Learned things. Feel different. More stable. And doing well, even feel mostly healed. Didn't do anything special except waited on God. I have zero ill will for anyone, including myself. Just thankful for blessings and enjoying life (I work outside, so sometimes the weather makes it hard, but a hot bath at the end of the day makes up for it). Looking forward. Making plans, God willing. Staying out of trouble. I know, boring. For anyone who prayed for me, thank you. If you didn’t, well, at least you didn’t pray against me. 😊
Now, the question of the unsent letters to the woman’s ex and kids. I did due diligence to pray, fast, and listen to the Lord.
Based on the information I have, looking at it carefully and logically, the conclusion was I was not to blame for the separation or divorce of the woman I was involved with. She made those decisions independently and for reasons only she knows. Only she is responsible for those decisions. She revealed her ex’s infidelity, so I believed that was the reason she went forward with it. I don’t know if she disclosed his domestic abuse. He is an abusive narcissist, so no one could blame her for getting a divorce. Her dad watched her house for a year after their divorce because he was concerned she would be harmed. It was probably one of the best decisions she ever made. But I didn’t have anything to do with it. I loved her and would’ve been with her, had she wanted to be with me, but she didn’t want it. Even David kept his Bathsheba. (It was wrong what he did. It would have also been wrong to send her away.) I got nothing. Even the memories faded. The only one who got anything out of this was her ex. He got a whole new life (strangely similar to what he had, with an insecure girl and women on the side). He has a new family. And retains his extracurricular activities. The woman who divorced him is enjoying a glow-up of epic proportions now. She deserves the best. I can't say enough good things about her.
July of 2017 I was discarded and she had no plans to be with or pursue anything with me (we emailed mostly; it was never a real relationship). She tried to reconcile with her ex and was involved with a different man later. At no point did she say she wanted to be with me. She resisted my attempts to have something, even a friendship. She repeatedly dropped conversations and didn’t reply to questions. If she wanted to be with me at any point, it would have happened, as I kept the door open for the better part of a decade. I believe she realized she didn’t want to be with me early on and had buyer’s remorse so powerful she reversed and tried to put her family back together, but was thwarted for some reason, likely the character of her ex-husband. She gave me approximately 1,000 (give or take) reasons for not being with me. She was clearly repulsed, like there was a physical reaction. Thought I could chalk it up to her avoidant tendencies (of which I’ve never seen a better example), but it went beyond that. I was chasing a woman (read: anxious attachment) who disliked me, though she may have enjoyed the attention or validation I offered. Our attachment styles (classic anxious/avoidant dynamic) dictated everything about the us, but there was more. She didn’t want me. Leave it to me to have an affair and not enjoy the good stuff, like sex. (The last sexual encounters I had left me feeling dirty and used, so just as well.) I even prayed God would give me her punishment for what we did.
Given the evidence, I was not a factor in her separation or divorce but, rather, reasons only she knows decided the outcome. The divorce was between her, her ex, and God. She divorced him nine months after breaking things off with me, and my divorce didn’t even take nine months, so I know she had time to make a decision, and it was based on something other than me, because she kicked me out of her life. I labored under a burden that was not mine when I believed I was the cause of their divorce. It would take stronger evidence to convince me I should send letters to the ex and children confessing my role. If they blame me, it is misplaced. Easier to blame an outlier. I would probably do the same thing. Blame some guy who sent emails from 400 miles away. I pray they all heal. If I added to their suffering, I am sorry, but I just don’t see how.
That’s why I am exempt from sending the letters. Something wants to just send them and get it over with, making sure I'm straight with God once and for all. Better safe than sorry. No one would suffer. But, unless someone can disprove it, I don’t deserve blame for this, especially when I was out of the picture early on. I never had that much impact on her life. She is a grown woman who did as she wished.
Unhappy with how things ended, but I can't blame her for anything. We said hurtful words and invalidated each other's experiences. It was the worst way to end a friendship. Just stupid. I wanted to apologize in person, hug, and say goodbye. I didn't expect to be friends after what happened. My attitude was sinful. I confessed it. She closed the door. Don't blame her. Just wish it wasn't that way. Done talking about it.
I did, however, wrong my ex by how I left the marriage. I confessed it to her early, before I even filed for divorce. She forgave me and never told a soul. As far as I can tell, I have no one else to confess to, unless God convicts me otherwise. If God makes it clear I am wrong, I will do whatever He says.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
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