my careless contagion

Doing better. Still feel sad some days but am in a better place than a few weeks ago. The restorative and regenerative power of God’s love is amazing . I couldn’t do it. I gave up. God said it’s not good to sit in the pain; it’s time to get up. He walked me out of it.  God showed me the difference between responsibilities regarding my decisions versus the same with others’ decisions. I didn’t respect the decision of the woman to stop pursuing marriage and friendship. My role was to accept,  not fight it. It was not my decision, therefore I had no power to change it. I can override decisions in my household and some at work. And I can effect change in the spiritual. The issue of the letters is put to bed. I will not send them. I am not to blame for their separation and divorce. It was with a sigh of relief that this thing that bothered me for years was resolved. I was finally and forever free! I wish it hadn’t happened, just as I wish the end of my relationship to the woman h...

It's hard to encapsulate what I went through the last few months in a few posts. Just doing little snapshots. Together, they form a collage or tapestry of thoughts and feelings, things broken and things coming together.  I felt something happen Tuesday, August 20. I felt it in my spirit. Something changed as I sat in the dentist's chair after work that day. I don't know what it was, but I felt a breaking, release, vexation, a sudden realization that life wasn't going to be the same. I dissociated and felt I was floating on clouds for days. (I even switched dentists.) Whatever it was, it was big. I am what many would describe as an empath, but this was something out of the ordinary. It was like a shudder or shift in the spirit realm.  When everything went down in September, I didn't realize it at the time, but there was an undetected spiritual attack. It was separate from what happened with me and the girl, yet it came at the same time. I had my focus on the letter a...

Just a collection of thoughts. I have no one to share with. This is probably the last time I write about this. What to say about the last 8 years? My health is worse. My soul suffered greatly . My personality isn't even the same. I lost myself. I’m recovering and healing and doing better every day. Not chasing something that doesn’t want me made an immediate difference. They say the pain you feel is your love returning to you, which explains why it was so bad. I am okay now. I have nothing but respect for the woman I chased. I was never critical of her. The following are observations only. Let me make it clear I don’t blame her. There were other factors. This particular thing just got to me like nothing else. The whole thing was deeply humbling. I looked up my experiences and reaction, and it is common. Mine was milder than some. That made me feel better.  Our misunderstandings and miscommunication were legendary, almost like we were doing it on purpose. For instance, I would make ...

The way forward after romantic disappointment is hard to see in the immediate aftermath. After much prayer and seeking God, I compiled statements that helped me define the way forward. They were helpful for me; maybe they will be for someone else. If I can prevent even a little heartbreak, it will be worth it. I forgive them. I forgive myself. Pray for them and ask God to bless them with healing or whatever they need the most.  I'm sad it ended, but I know I will be okay. Time and healing. You'll get there. It may be hard to see right now, but hang in there and you will look back in wonder at how far you've come.  What happened doesn't define me. I refuse to see myself as rejected. God loves and accepts me, and there is no higher love than His.  It wasn't all bad. There were good things, too. It's okay to remember the good things about the relationship. Recognize those were real moments and the feelings you had were real.  It's healthy to let go when things ...

A post no one asked for. My last post was kind of like the movie 28 Hours Later. This one is more like 28 Days Later. (Those who've seen the film will recognize the photo of him waking from his hospital bed to a very different reality.) If I'm still here writing when it's time for 28 Years Later, shoot me. Honestly, though, the comparison of my love life to a zombie apocalypse is apropos.  I can see why, in the old days, jilted lovers ended up in the loonie bin or went off to join the Foreign Legion. Because so many of your thoughts are about one person, and when that person leaves your life, you still think about them (synapses gotsta synapse), and your own thoughts become enemies. You can't escape your own brain. I don't know why my reaction was so powerful, but the upside of having an explosive emotional reaction is getting over it fast.  It doesn't simmer or twist or churn inside. Just felt what I needed to feel and was done.  I'll never feel those thing...

Eight years ago I embarked on a new adventure. It was time to move. I was living in Ohio but learned my ex was pregnant (April 1, actually) while we were visiting my parents in Florida. I wanted to be the best dad I could be. For some reason, God took this heart desire and led me out of Ohio, leaving sinful practices behind.  One of those sins was alcoholism. It was in April eight years ago I quit drinking. I memorialize this fact every year because it was a miracle. Everything God does for us is a miracle, but this was quite a big one. I was mired in self-defeat and suicidal thoughts. I was literally trying to kill myself with drink, though I didn't even understand the reasons why. When I stopped drinking, it opened the door to further obedience, which opened more doors and brought about more miracles. In the years that followed, I became free in many more ways.  It shows you God takes what little we do, what little we give Him, and multiplies it. Give Him a little obedience ...

I woke at 1 am one morning and wrote this. I love how effortless writing about that girl is. If everything in life was as easy, life would be a completely different experience. Can I kiss you? He thought he should ask, but he never did. As it turned out, he didn’t need to. He simply cupped her face and kissed her. It wasn’t a great kiss, but neither of them cared. She closed her eyes, and when he pulled away, it was like electricity went through them both. She lit up, her eyes wide and wondering. He said I see my future in your eyes. I want to share my life with you. But I don’t know how to do this. Please just take my hand and let’s do it together. We’ll figure it out. We’ll make a way, starting right now, if you want. You can think about it. (She didn’t seem to need to hear that.) Let’s move forward. It won’t always be easy, but nothing good or worth doing is ever without trouble. We aren’t perfect people, but we are perfect for one another. It was clear they loved one another. It wa...

I'm going to share something briefly. It has been on my heart for a long time, longer than this blog has existed. I haven't shared much of my spiritual journey. But I've taken a hard line in the spirit world, which has generated a lot of energy around (and in) me. I've gathered a lot of spiritual opposition over the years because I am faithful to pray against the devil's plans. I am a warrior. This makes me a marked man, unfortunately. Recently, I asked a friend why my life has been so difficult, going way back, and they replied, "Because you are marked." They get it. But there is more. Jesus Christ was anointed with the oil of gladness above all His fellows, which means He was the happiest man to walk the earth. My fasting recently is directed at what is blocking my life from moving forward. I felt heavy resistance for years. Bondage. Oppression. Unhappiness. It might be something in me or some sort of spiritual oppression around me. Or both. The devil wi...

It's never too late to learn in God's schoolhouse. That's a good thing. What I'm learning now is hard stuff, but I never learned it along the way. If you fail to pass a test with God, He gives you chances to try again. I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to wait. That is where I am now. One of the important things about waiting is it creates assurance of a specific direction. Are you sure? No? Maybe you haven't waited long enough. God needs to know you'll follow through.  It is hard for me to do these things because of my background. I have a hard time trusting anyone, including myself. And God. Waiting goes against human nature and the flesh. But patience is a fruit of the spirit and is worth it. So, if anyone cares to pray for me, please do. I'm going through a hard time. I just have to be faithful. That's it. Please pray I do that. These things may be hard, but they are always worth it. I absolutely believe God has some really amazing blessing...

My friends, if you have time and the inclination, will you pray with me? My dear friend is in a dreadful spot. She needs a way out. She needs a door to open. My friends, she is stuck and hurting. Pray with me, if you will.  Heavenly Father, we lift up to you my friend Cindy. Lord, she is hurting. She despairs of life. Many unfair circumstances persist in her life. And she is unable to move forward, though she desperately wants to. She is laden with heavy burdens too heavy to bear. Lord, you know Cindy, and you know she is kind, one of the kindest of your creation. She is a special woman, and we ask that you show her your special plan for the rest of her life. We lift her up to you in prayer and supplication. We ask that you station your angels around her and her family to always protect them from the attacks of the enemy. We also know she is very hard on herself. Remind her you can do so much with a broken vessel, perhaps more than one that is whole. Pour your love into her and let...