The aftermath
A post no one asked for. My last post was kind of like the movie 28 Hours Later. This one is more like 28 Days Later. (Those who've seen the film will recognize the photo of him waking from his hospital bed to a very different reality.) If I'm still here writing when it's time for 28 Years Later, shoot me. Honestly, though, the comparison of my love life to a zombie apocalypse is apropos.
I can see why, in the old days, jilted lovers ended up in the loonie bin or went off to join the Foreign Legion. Because so many of your thoughts are about one person, and when that person leaves your life, you still think about them (synapses gotsta synapse), and your own thoughts become enemies. You can't escape your own brain. I don't know why my reaction was so powerful, but the upside of having an explosive emotional reaction is getting over it fast. It doesn't simmer or twist or churn inside. Just felt what I needed to feel and was done. I'll never feel those things again. Once-in-a-lifetime. Yes, I know not to be loose with my words when talking with someone who cherishes words, but it doesn't matter anymore. I stated how I felt, and I hope she forgives me. Honestly, it felt like more was at play than a simple rejection. It felt like a spiritual attack too. The last time I felt something simliar was when I was fasting about three years ago and blacked out, hitting my head, etc. It felt like my life was being attacked, which I cannot attribute to a woman rejecting me. More was going on. Perhaps more on that later.
Yes, I'm okay. Lots of healing. It wasn't all related to the loss of someone special. God used the opportunity to heal old wounds. He's always finding ways to fix things, even when everything seems broken. Have to trust more. After my central nervous system calmed down, I entered the exhaustion phase. Been down this road a few times, so I know the signposts and milestones by heart. Eventually I will be done. Heartbreak has a predictable half life.
Do I still think the world of her? Definitely not peak feelings, but I still have feelings. At the peak, if I was Abraham, she was my Isaac. I loved her more than life. And loved her at her worst. In her absence, the feelings are dying and will be replaced by something as yet unknown.
Will I see her again? She gave a very adamant no to a romantic future. (God knows I would still be trying if I could.) She also made it clear we will not be friends. She has no reason to see me. Just have to accept it.
Do I still think she was wrong to say goodbye? It wasn't wrong for her, though it felt wrong to me. We tend to understand and cling to our own experiences more than others'. She felt she had to do it. I wouldn't feel terrible about letting go of someone I didn't love either. (Though it felt like something triggered her and she deactivated. Never seen a faster 180. Felt like she wanted to be done with me, like I was getting in the way of her progress. In any case, it's over for her. She said what she said.) I will never know who she ends up with. She won't know who I end up with, either, though it seems I gave up on that possibility. Too many setbacks. Too many heartbreaks. Just too much. Quite possible I'm ruined.
Are there more nevers? The thing that bothered me the most was losing what I thought we could do for the Kingdom: how many people we could help in so many ways; how much money, time, energy, etc., we could devote to Christ's cause. We would have been a singleminded and effective team, something of eternal value. That was the biggest loss for me. (True, I don't see what God sees.) Reluctantly, I accepted this new reality. It's fine. Because it has to be. I respected her wishes to not have me in her life, present or future. She's free of me. No doubt, she feels relief. The world may feel different for her without the man who admired her since we were 10 years old, but whatever she exchanged that for must have been worth it. God knows she has no shortage of admirers.
New feelings? One thing I noticed was an intense and sudden aversion to anything related to the theme of love. Which is everything in our romantically-saturated culture. Turns my stomach. Sex is a turn-off as well. It makes sense because the two exist together in my mind. Suffice to say I am not about to rail a girl anytime soon. And the radio stays off because every song is about love or cheating or sex or all three. I'm done. All those things = trauma.
Changes? More caffeine, which is 90% of my personality (yes, I am dull without it; we all are). I knew staying active was going to be a theme in the aftermath. One day I walked 14 miles. Many weekends I do nearly 19 miles, often starting when it's dark. I put my AirPods in and walk. And walk and walk. And nod and smile at the people walking with their AirPods in ... and keep walking. I would join a gym if spending money made sense right now. (Just like I would watch sports if I didn't have to pay.) I may have to because colder temperatures are coming. Lost weight. Didn't feel like eating and wanted to stay out of the apartment as long as possible, collapsing upon my return to take a bath, climbing into bed exhausted. Sleep returned gradually. There are nights I wake with pained thoughts, remnants of a reality which no longer exists. I am adaptable, even when the change is as unwelcome as a zombie apocalypse.
It's amazing how much information is available to help get over someone. Not sure how much is helpful. Did things I wasn't supposed to and things that were supposed to help. It was hard letting go of a person who embodied so many good things, a person I held near to my heart for most of my life. All I know is God was with me, and I'm doing better. There's only so much a person can do. Reality changed. Had to accept it. End of story. There were days I couldn't look beyond the next five minutes. Now I am starting to envision a new future.
Then there was something else I had to face. The Bible makes it clear we are to try to reconcile with those we offended or sinned against, if they are aware we sinned against them. If it was a secret sin, I believe, the Bible says confessing on the vertical level (man to God) is enough. Otherwise, it must be confessed horizontally (man to man). That's my understanding.
I put great effort into studying and researching verses (and consulting with other Christians for counsel) related to this situation because I firmly believe the man whose wife I was involved with years ago knew what was going on. She told him a couple weeks into it. He had a friend find and friend me on Facebook so he could find out more. When I moved here, there was a July 4th when he saw me across a pond and knew who I was, kept looking at his phone and back to me, probably looking me up and deciding whether or not to drown me right there in the fetid pond water. He did this furiously for what seemed like an eternity while I was trying to gather my son and go home after a long day in the heat. My son and this man's sort-of-adopted son knew each other because they were in the same grade (as they were for three years). And when those same kids were involved in soccer later on, he made a point to sit next to me on the bleachers, asking his sort-of-adopted kid who Isaiah's dad was, and he pointed at me. (Like, for real?) I was suddenly very interested in what was going on out on the floor. On top of that, this man and his girlfriend are my son's current soccer coaches. What are the odds? Anytime he saw me in public he would eyeball me hard. The man knew all along. And her kids knew, as well. I'm sure the woman’s mom and dad figured it out too. At least her dad, but he's gone now. I know his daughter's divorce affected him. It was clear I must confess my role in the separation/divorce. I just thought it would take place organically and would be a 30-second conversation at most. Just a simple apology and asking for forgiveness from those I offended. Because I was forever thrust out of the girl's life, it became clear I would have to force the conversation. I feel the Bible must be adhered to, even though the offense was many years old. All I wanted was God's mercy and to move on with my life. I sought God continually to that end. Confessing and asking forgiveness seemed like the answer.
The confession wasn't for their knowledge. They already knew. It's so I am square with God. There are a few verses that relate to this situation, the most revealing is Matthew 5:23-24, which indicates a delineation where, if a person knows we wronged them, we are obligated to confess on the horizontal. Which is hard because ... what an awkward conversation out of the blue. I'm already awkward enough. The issue was solved because I realized I could write letters. So I wrote letters.
But didn't send them.
Hold up. I was not at peace with that decision, so I sought God again until He showed me that, while doing this would be the correct decision, and that He would take care of the consequences (eloquently stated by Oswald Chambers), there was a better resolution. God spoke to my heart in a way that was hard to describe. I cannot write the things that were said, but after laboring over this decision for some time, I finally had peace. God can sometimes change His directives. I will keep seeking and asking confirmation, but it appears I have an answer. When walking with God, anything is subject to change. Especially me. Whether I am obedient or not, God's purposes prevail. Just trying to be obedient. He takes care of the rest.
What else? My son is doing well in school and joined an after-school group called Destination Imagination, which is for high-ability learners. He also won a prize for reading more than anyone in his grade. He did well in soccer over summer, scoring goals and cheering on teammates. His growth lately is off the charts. He even works out out on his own, doing planks and such. And he makes snacks at night, some good and some bad. The smoke alarm went off a few times.
Things to look forward to? Have a couple trips lined up for the rest of the year. God willing, I will keep on making plans and doing things. I decided to be happy, no matter what happens. Could write more, but nobody asked for it. Take care, everyone.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
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