Further thoughts, part one
Leave it to me to have further thoughts and no one with whom to share. Until I have a reliable confidante, I will dump here.
Been listening to podcasts and sermons lately on my walks and during work. Interesting one from Derek Prince about the fear of the Lord. He stated that what we fear is our god. It could be anything. I looked inside and realized my personality is designed to protect my wounds, and being wounded was the thing I feared the most, as evidenced by what happened two months ago. I was like Job with the thing he greatly feared. So much energy was directed at protecting myself I often neglected to follow through with normal Christian behavior, loving those around me, giving of myself, dying to self, etc. Given this revelation, it is sinful to act or react based on the needs of my wound or trauma. That means my recent reaction was sinful. It was an ugly realization, and I prayed God would change my personality if necessary. I also apologize to the one I hurt. I want God to be the thing I fear. I’m sorry for hurting and pushing people away and retreating because I was protecting my wounds.
I wish the girl I saw for a year and a half and I had ended as friends. I had to respect her wishes. I still want to part as friends, of course, but I can see it from her perspective too. In any case, I hope she forgives me. Sorry I missed out on seeing her make it to the other side after so many turbulent years.
Then there are the unsent letters confessing my wrongdoing. The following progression explains the internal debate.
The answer is in the Word. Looks like I have to send them, though I don’t want to. I also want to do the right thing. All I know is I can’t do it until after soccer season. (The man is my son’s coach. Yes, I could just hand him the letters at the last game and save a stamp.) I wish someone would contend with me, show me something that contradicts or supersedes what I found. (Been convicted of only one thing that supersedes it, just waiting on confirmation. Can’t say what that is here.) No one will suffer as a result of sending the letters. It is a clear confession of wrongdoing, but also says I likely wasn’t responsible for the end result (divorce), but I am sorry if I was. Everyone knows, so it’s not going to break anyone’s reality. Just squaring up with God.
But, the more I think about it, the less I see myself as a cause for anything. I didn’t make any of those decisions, which means I don’t have to send letters. She made up her mind, and I wasn’t a part of the conversation. I wasn’t even in her life. She didn’t want anything to do with me. I refuse to take the blame for something I didn’t do. My recollection of events may be faulty, but she invited me into her life for a few months and then shut the door, and I had no access to her inner world afterward. Right now, I have to put it away and leave the question with God and make a determination to do what He says when the time comes. Unless I am convicted of actual wrongdoing in regards to the divorce, I would say this case is solved. I won’t confess something I didn’t do. As far as I can tell, there is no evidence to support I was a factor. I am open to correction in all areas of my life, especially this one.
Making the decision to let God heal my wounds instead of going about it my way was disruptive. But it’s the way forward, though the cost was higher than expected. Losing the thing most precious to me hasn’t deterred me. I have nowhere else to go. He has the words of life.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
Comments
Post a Comment