A farewell to sex

Living the life of a divorced man was something I never foresaw. Actually, being married was something I didn't foresee, as well. At this point in my life, I think I've been wandering around like a blind man most of the time. Nothing else can explain my utter cluelessness about everything. 

When you get a divorce, you lose many things. Mostly, you lose the security of what you had. You lose money and things and people you thought would always be there. Men especially seem to be clueless about how to move on. Our male friendships don't support us through things like this. And, if you're a loner like me, you don't have that option anyway. 

Above everything else, I miss sex. There are all kinds of sex that people can have. I just miss sex. Any kind. I'm a one woman kind of man, and I've only been with one woman. So, going out and having sex with some stranger won't work for me. I'm not built that way. The only option I have is to simply miss sex. It took me more than a year to get here, but I've accepted my new status.

I started out with a mindset of an abundance of sex. Then, after my separation, I shifted to a mindset of scarcity. Now I'm in a mindset of nonexistent sex. This is a healthy place for me to be right now. As much as it hurts, it actually seems possible I could go the rest of my life without sex. That's a wonderful, though strange, new milestone. 

If we're going to say goodbye to something, then let's do a proper goodbye. 

Sex was a big part of my life since meeting my ex-wife. We went right into it with abandon. And it didn't stop. We had sex thousands of times over the next 20 years, sometimes twice a day. It was probably the healthiest thing about our relationship. And, in the end, it was the last thing she used to keep me in a dead relationship. 

Sex performed so many functions for me. It was something I could look forward to every day (if I wanted). It was a physical release, which was especially nice before bed because then I could fall asleep easier, as I struggle(d) with chronic sleep deprivation. 

It was also important because my primary love language (I think) is physical touch. So, I craved physical interaction. Having sex regularly has a ridiculous list of benefits, and not just physical, such as confidence, health, immune function, improved mindset, and probably a lot we don't even know about. 

Now, imagine all of that gone. I didn't realize it at the time, but this was to be one of my primary struggles in my new life as a divorced man. It was only recently that I've begun to see what my new normal looks like, and I'm finally okay with that. 

It's a strange dichotomy going on inside you. One one hand, your heart and head aren't ready for any sort of relationship, but, on the other hand, your body wants to have sex. So, sorting that out took me probably way too long, but I've gotten to the point where I'm okay with it. 

There are the physical pains that come from not having sex after you're used to having it for so long. It's testicular pain. It's a dull ache, sometimes punctuated with sharp pains that seem to go impossibly high into the abdominal region. Sometimes I cry out in pain as I'm driving because I get one of those pains. I know women have their pains, and I can't compare them, so that's all I'll say about that. But, it does tend to make one grumpy, as we get the word "testy" from testes and testosterone. 

So, there is no more sex in my future. I don't want to have sex with a woman I'm not in love with anyway. There are worse things than not having sex, and, I think, that's one of them. 

All of this may sound like bitching and moaning over something stupid, but sex is a wonderful, beautiful thing when it's done right. And it can be a mind-blowing experience. It can cement two people together. It can also tear them apart when it's done outside the right parameters. Sex is powerful. For me, sex was used to burn me and enslave me, whether I knew it or not. 

It seems that I've said goodbye to so many things over the last few years. I'd like to start gathering up some things instead of saying goodbye, but I probably can't handle that anyway. If my job is to say farewell to things and to people, then so be it. I hope I was at least eloquent. 

Farewell, sex.