Bowling alley bar

*If there's a band that sums up the way I feel about my 20+ year relationship that ended this year, that band is The Handsome Family. I don't know that I've ever heard a collection of songs that can trigger so much unhappiness in me. 

You could describe this band as alternative country, gothic country, or a number of other sub-genres. I remember the night I found this band. I was perusing music on the internet because we'd had a fight and she went to her mom's house for the night. It was like my heart went and found the soundtrack for how I was feeling. 

I could have picked a hundred different songs for this post, but this one was one of her favorites. I can't even describe how I feel about this failed relationship. It is one of the most disappointing things I've ever tried and failed at, endured, pumped life into, whatever you want to say.

The Handsome Family is a husband and wife core (Brett and Rennie Sparks) with other musicians coming and going. There's a good bit of mental illness in the lyrics, as there is in the duo. Off-center people tend to make good music. As the meds came into play, the albums got increasingly milquetoast. The band's name came from a derisive comment, like, "You're such a handsome family." And most of their early album art was found art. 

I've actually seen this band once. We got a room outside of Chicago where the venue was. I didn't see either of my brothers on that trip, even though I could have. I remember feeling that we were too young to be at that show, which would have been the only time I had ever thought that. It was one of the most beautiful shows I've seen though. 

Strangely, the main memory I have from the show was a girl who got on the opposite side of me as my wife and started swaying and rubbing on me in a strangely obvious way. She was very young, and I had seen her with the band so I knew she was related somehow to them. It was a strange feeling which contrasted with the feeling of being too young to be at that show. I was used to being jostled about at shows, but this was a deliberate invitation to something. I don't know what, though. I just ignored her. 

If there is sadness in these lyrics, then there is sadness in the writers of the songs. And that sadness struck a chord with me. My relationship wasn't uplifting. It stole from me every day. It was one of my greatest mistakes and greatest failures. Is there a greater mistake than to try to make something work that makes you deeply unhappy? Is there a greater mistake than trying that very thing year after year? That's why I chose this band for this post. 

Unfortunately, what I'm left with is the overriding feeling of wasting so much time. I wasted my personal, professional, and relationship time. When the blinders come off, how do you deal with your mistakes? What can you possibly say about wasting so much of your life? It's a sick feeling. It's perverse. It's grotesque. I can't help but turn away from it. Each day I have is a blessing, and I don't want to waste another day. If there is a bright spot in any of this, it's the revolution that's taken hold in my heart and mind to do what I know is best and right every day. I'm not there yet, but the revolution has started. 

Thank you to the Handsome Family for being the soundtrack to such an awful part of my life. I will never forget your haunting lyrics.* 

Dented cars make me think of you
Sitting on a red leather stool
Drinking with your sunglasses on
In the bowling alley bar

And the sound of crashing pins
Behind us when we kissed
The night I wrecked my father's car
Behind the bowling alley bar

I'm so sorry, Donna
Sorry about your sunglasses
I didn't mean to step on them
I didn't mean to laugh when you cried

'Cause it was never a waste of time
To drink beer by your side
And watch the fallen pins
Set upright again

Skinny girls in tight red jeans
Kicking cigarette machines
That old woman all alone
Dirty dancing by the phones

Driving circles at three AM
Throwing rocks at mailboxes
You could never see the stars
With those plastic sunglasses on

But it was never a waste of time
To get drunk by your side
And watch the fallen pins
Set upright again