Lobotomy by the neon light

 

 

It's an odd sensation to walk through your days in a daydream state. I know my mind is just protecting itself from further trauma. If only my heart could do the same.

I see that girl as a dream because she's long gone. The time I spent with her doesn't seem real anymore. My world is a drudgery that marches to the sound of a dirge. I can hear Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" slow to the pace of a waltz, then distort, then turn to static, and now I just hear the rain. It's somebody's wedding right now, and that song is playing. My heart goes out to them.

What happens when all you have is love for the memory of someone but the memory keeps fading? Well, you panic. Then you have to accept it because none of us can bring anyone back once they start to fade. Somone's in the darkroom of my mind, and they didn't mix the developer right; everything's coming out light and faded. I keep telling them to get it right, but they keep sending it that way.

My mantra seems to be "Let it go." I'm wondering what it is I'm still holding on to. Soon there will be nothing left. I'll be free like the wind and ever-churning like the waves. And she'll just be a stranger who has my stories, my secrets, my thoughts, and regrettably, my heart.

If I could walk through the tall grass and into the deep of the forest and disappear, I would. But, paralyzation has crept through me. I know whatever I do will fail, even if it's failure itself. If my wish is to disappear, then my wish won't come true. If I wish to be something, I will be nothing. It doesn't matter. When you've lost for so long, at what point does it cease to matter? When you've been crushed for as long as you remember, what's the point? Welcome to the land where nothing changes. Welcome to the life that never happened. Welcome to the end of ... nothing.