Step one



It's time to embrace what I am. 

If loss makes one a loser, then I am a loser. I've lost more in the last five years than I can even count. If it wasn't one thing, then it was another. Then, it was everything. 

I walk around each day in a state of disbelief. I can't wait for this to finally seem real because then the real shitstorm will begin. 

If trying and failing makes you a failure, then I'm a failure. I sit in a pile of it, surrounded by it, on top of it, breathing it in. 

This is my legacy. There hasn't been a single thing in my life I've accomplished. Oh, wait, I'm pretty good at getting out of bed and feeling sorry for myself. Does that count? Okay, I'm not good at getting out of bed; you got me on that one. 

It's starting to look like I don't even want to succeed. I want to be a failure. I want to crash and burn and scar the earth with my miserable failure of a life. Do I want to torpedo everyone around me? No, I wish them all well. But it would be a blessing to this fair earth if I ceased to exist. Nay, if I had never existed. I'm not suicidal (since I don't have the balls for that). I just don't want to exist. 

Recently I sat in the forest under a big, knobby pine tree with a gun on my thigh. Only once did the thought come to me to snuff out my own life. But, this life is not my own; I didn't do anything to get here so I won't do anything to leave. That won't stop me from daydreaming about ceasing to exist, however. 

It's a point of acceptance that I've amounted to nothing at this point in my life. I'm not sad about it. I'm certainly not happy, either. It's just the way it is. I have to see the choices I made that brought me to this point. What have I done or not done to end up this miserable shell of a human being? 

I can't blame this on anyone. Well, anyone but me. All the fingers point to me. Sure, I've had a lot of shitty experiences. I've had a lot of good ones, too. I chose the bad turns in my life. But, I can't go back and make those decisions again. All I can do is simply move on from where I am. I have one thing going for me. I'm brutally honest. I'm honest even with myself. That's why I can say all the things I've said and it's okay. Because now I can start moving in the right direction. Admitting I've made a series of unbelievably stupid mistakes was the first step. 

Tomorrow, when I wake up, I'll be better able to accept whatever step two is.

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