Hopeless

There's no hope for me. I've gone off the deep end. I hesitate to talk to her because I know it gets worse afterward. If I don't talk to her, I know I can go on for a while. When I hear her voice, I know I can't. I want her now. 

When she goes away, it's like a hole being torn in my chest. It becomes an ill-fated attempt to touch her. The reaching never ends because I never actually touch her. So begins the desperate crawl through my days and weeks until she becomes less real. Gradually, the hole fills in. Until the next time she crashes into my world. 

I've missed her 100,000 different ways, sometimes all in the same day. I don't know what to do with myself; none of this even seems possible. Yet, I am wholly, completely, tragically, hopelessly in love with her. I would do anything for her, and I have. She asked me to step away from her, which is the hardest thing I've ever done. She needed time; she needed space. You know, those things that are so hard to give someone when you're madly, stupidly, out-of-your-gourd in love with someone. When she's all you want and you can't imagine your life without her for another second. I gave her the impossible. I gave her nothing when I wanted to give her everything. I gave her silence when all I wanted to do was tell her I loved her in every single moment, when I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I gave her space when it's distance that's killing me. And, lastly, I let her go because I simply couldn't find a way to love someone so much who isn't in my life. 

What can I say that hasn't already been said? She's the one I want; I thought I could get over her, but I can't. She has my heart and so many of my thoughts and hopes and dreams. She's hoarding pieces of me, and she doesn't even know it.  

Could I even be with anyone but her? I have nothing to offer, nothing to give. I've given her everything I could give to a woman. 

How real is a love that never leaves the room you're in? How is it possible to care so much about someone who you haven't seen for so long? Why won't my heart stop loving her? When will I stop watering my pillow with my tears? 

I know for certain that my love for her will outlive me. I'll carry this perfect thing in my heart and mind long after I die. If I never see her again, it's just as well. It wouldn't change a thing for me. 

I don't want her to know any of these things. I don't want her to feel sad for me or for us. I don't want her to panic, either. Who is this insane person and why won't he stop writing about me, thinking about me, loving me? It's not normal. Is love just insanity? Hopefully just temporary insanity? Sometimes I wonder. All I know is that I haven't been able to break it, crack it, push it down or turn it aside. It gets stronger and more resilient with each passing day. It's made of something I've never seen before, something I simply don't understand. 

If she told me to disappear forever, I would do it. If she told me to wait a thousand years, I would. If she told me to stop loving her, I don't know how I could. I am the textbook definition of "hopeless." 

So, I will wake up tomorrow morning as hopelessly in love with her as today. And the day after that will be the same. And when I lay down at night I'll stretch and groan in my bed, but it will always be the same thoughts about her in my head. 

So, if I'm insane, so be it. If I'm hopeless, that's okay. If it's the only way I can have her, I'll take it any day.