my careless contagion

This is a goodbye, and a hello. This will likely be my last post containing certain themes. It's not that I haven't let go. It's that some things still affect me. In all these things, my choice was to make things work. It was only with great reluctance that I was made to let go. I approached every relationship with kindness and patience. This isn't about healing. I will heal the rest of my life. Letting go is different. I had to try everything — and fail — first. It's a story that repeated. I was more than intentional. I showed up. I loved, was pushed away, and died over and over. Finally, I let go.  They say if a writer falls in love with you, you never die.  The last thing I remember was her small frame standing in the doorway crying. Fade Into You was playing from the turntable. The blonde girl walking on the dark street was so drunk, but when she saw me standing in the Ohio drizzle that night with nothing but the sodium lights illuminating us, she said something...

January 28, 2018, I started this blog. I was alone and the divorce was nearly final (February 8). With no one to talk to about what I was feeling, I wrote here, originally transcribing from a notebook. What began as a form of therapy evolved into a journey of faith. What started in a very bad place ended in a much better place, though I am still alone. This blog garnered 34,000 hits over six years, which is a big surprise. (Also surprised attempts to create a new blog failed, but the love letters written to a certain woman were likely the reason anyone read here anyway.) Thank you to everyone who read here at some point. I prayed you got something out of it. Learned a lot about myself and am a lot humbler at its closing than at its beginning. Honesty, facing problems, and working toward solutions paid off, but it was God who did a work.  I cut my teeth on gospel songs. Win Worley's song sermons were my favorite and listened to them on cassette over and over. Such joy in that man...

Now for some real music! Haha, okay, what is a guy who grew up on hardcore posting a euro-dance hit from the 90s? Because it's awesome!  (The kids say it slaps.) I would flip back and forth on the radio between alternative and dance in the 90s. A lot of kids were into one or the other, but I craved all of it. I love music, and this song is still a favorite. It may not be the best Real McCoy had to offer, but we all heard this back in the day and danced a little in our econobox cars on our way to the future. And here we are in the future. Some of us still remember what life was like back then. Are we where we thought we'd be all these years later?  Honestly, I didn't think I'd make it this far. Thought I would be dead. No joke. Having the opinion of a foreshortened future is a symptom of PTSD gained from childhood trauma/abuse, which I endured. Common with everyone who endured longterm trauma. So, I can't complain. Pay stubs and bandaids. Paying bills and doing dishe...

Ah, Depeche Mode. I used to listen to this band a lot when traveling. The sound was conducive to flying over pavement of various vibrations through the shifting American landscapes, one moment surrounded by concrete and skyscrapers and the next cornfields and pastures. I could chose several songs by this band, but this one saw a resurgence in popularity because it was featured on HBO's The Last of Us, which I tried to watch but realized it was yet another soap opera masquerading as an adventure in zombie land. The action got less and less and the talking got to be too much and after the gay episode, I had enough and quit watching. It seems all entertainment is a vehicle for agenda now. Needless to say, The Last of Us let me down.  And that's what the song is about. People letting us down. Or not letting us down. Whichever your perspective. I recently tried to get in touch with the parents of one of my best friends growing up. We had been talking through Facebook, but my Faceboo...

Eight years ago I embarked on a new adventure. It was time to move. I was living in Ohio but learned my ex was pregnant (April 1, actually) while we were visiting my parents in Florida. I wanted to be the best dad I could be. For some reason, God took this heart desire and led me out of Ohio, leaving sinful practices behind.  One of those sins was alcoholism. It was in April eight years ago I quit drinking. I memorialize this fact every year because it was a miracle. Everything God does for us is a miracle, but this was quite a big one. I was mired in self-defeat and suicidal thoughts. I was literally trying to kill myself with drink, though I didn't even understand the reasons why. When I stopped drinking, it opened the door to further obedience, which opened more doors and brought about more miracles. In the years that followed, I became free in many more ways.  It shows you God takes what little we do, what little we give Him, and multiplies it. Give Him a little obedience ...

Everything has Changed (a song with a rather passive title) by Taylor Swift (and some English guy named Ed) is a good metaphor for spring. When before everything was coiled in sleep, colored in grays and browns, and dead, now everything is new again. (And, one could argue, spring is also a good metaphor for a woman, as both can be unpredictable.) We all go through seasons. What season am I living through now? Could it be a season of rebirth? Renewal? Life springing out of the once-dead ground? This song even has an organic sound, all guitars and voices and brushes, much like what goes on during springtime. The melding of male and female voices could also point toward spring. And, well, love is an incredibly organic yet spiritual thing that often defies explanation. It grows under sometimes the harshest of conditions, poking out of dry earth or miry snow, undaunted. Love and spring are both miracles. All I know is my heart is as adamant and undeterred as spring. Am I taking this too far...

Thanks for once again stopping by this space and reading my thoughts. This is part two of what a godly marriage should look like. I am by no means an authority on the subject, but I do like thinking about it. First, the verses, and then I will hopefully expound upon it.  22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. ...

Written several weeks ago, this post still holds true. I waited for a good time to post it, but I don't even know what that means. So, this is as good of a time as any. I'm working on part two, which takes some verses from Ephesians. I'd like to marry again someday. Sometimes that thought scares me. Sometimes it excites me, especially when I think about one woman in particular. Actually, it's just her that excites me, regardless of the relationship status (I think we are friends.). But, anyway. This post is about marriage, and a good portrait of godly marriage is found in 1 Peter 3, which follows. 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;  4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.  5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God...

I woke at 1 am one morning and wrote this. I love how effortless writing about that girl is. If everything in life was as easy, life would be a completely different experience. Can I kiss you? He thought he should ask, but he never did. As it turned out, he didn’t need to. He simply cupped her face and kissed her. It wasn’t a great kiss, but neither of them cared. She closed her eyes, and when he pulled away, it was like electricity went through them both. She lit up, her eyes wide and wondering. He said I see my future in your eyes. I want to share my life with you. But I don’t know how to do this. Please just take my hand and let’s do it together. We’ll figure it out. We’ll make a way, starting right now, if you want. You can think about it. (She didn’t seem to need to hear that.) Let’s move forward. It won’t always be easy, but nothing good or worth doing is ever without trouble. We aren’t perfect people, but we are perfect for one another. It was clear they loved one another. It wa...