The perks of being a wallflower

I just finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a book I've been meaning to read for years. Why now? I guess because I have time, as I live alone. 

There should be a trigger warning on this book; that's the first thing I think. I was triggered by the ending. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Just like the language the character uses, it was covered up but out in the open the whole time. Sometimes what someone doesn't say says more than what they do say. 

Anyone who is a victim of childhood abuse will recognize themselves in the character Charlie. The whole book is Charlie writing letters to an anonymous "friend" who he does not even know. That's the entire book; that tells the whole story. His language is permeated with childhood trauma. Again, it's not always what he says; it's what he doesn't say. 

So, what are the perks of being a wallflower? As far as I can see, the book only mentions one perk, and that's the fact that we can see things others don't see. It's a gift, but it comes at a great price. 

I finished the book while sitting on a stump on the Black Hills National Forest. That sentence sounds strange, but that's how you have to say it. It's ON the BHNF. As I was reading, I was simultaneously having a conversation with God. I asked why I was allowed to go through the things I've been through in my relationships; what was the purpose of all of that; why was the cost so high? 

The answer was quick but quiet. I could reach people no one else could reach. That's one reason. I could set myself aside. I could disappear in the presence of that person's pain. I didn't demand that they tend to my wounds or take care of me. I took care of them. Until it was no longer necessary. 

Part of that could be a function of childhood abuse, I realize. So, if that's true, then it's also true that God can make something good come out of something bad. Sometimes wallflowers disappear too much. Sometimes we dissociate. Sometimes we go to our "happy place." It's all the same thing, just different names. And we can spot damaged people a mile away. They look like us. I'm not saying all wallflowers have been abused. But, abuse can affect how you perceive the world. And it can make you cease participating in the world. 

As I sat there in wonder at what I was shown, I had a hard time finishing the book. It was too real. It's wonderful that my childhood sexual abuse has a purpose, but the cost seems so high. What could I have done with my life had those things not happened? I will never know. But, I do know that people's lives were touched by me, people who might never have been touched. And those people's lives are forever changed for the better. 

Love always, 

Joshua