my careless contagion

My favorite dog (a chihuahua) on TikTok recently passed away. I was filled with grief for the little creature and her people. Dogs mean a lot to mankind, and have for eons. They are wonderful animals, and earned the distinction "man's best friend" for a reason. We all know that. Here are some conclusions I came to about dogs, and there is a human application, as well, if you're so inclined.  For my work, I'm often in people's backyards, so naturally meet a lot of dogs. I think about them a lot. One principle is people's perception of their animals versus a stranger's perception. How many times was I told, "Oh, he's nice," only to have a dog attempt to tear me limb from limb? There is a dichotomy in that. Dogs are a protective force, fierce when protecting their people. It's their job. Always was, though we don't need them much for that anymore. They are loyal and gentle with their own but brutal toward outsiders. I qualify as an o...

Well, folks, I finally snapped. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.  This recent emotional breakdown was precipitated by quite a few things, things I can't get into here, but I'm writing this because something good came of it. In short, my breakdown showed me that I also had a breakthrough . Hey, I'll take the good news any way I can get it.  In the past, I've read quite a bit about trauma bonding. A little read about this can be found here . The bulleted list at the end of the article reads like a summation of my childhood as well as workplace and romantic relationships as I got older. This article is about me. I had an unusual (possibly co-dependent relationship) with my mother, and that set the stage for bad relationships later on. My father is a cruel, condescending, and cold man who physically abused me. My oldest brother was distant and aloof. My other brother was one of the meanest motherfuckers I've ever known. Oftentimes I am trigger...

It's safe to say I'm driven. I'm not driven in an ordinary way. I haven't made anything out of myself in my 41 years. It's more like a personal drive, beating myself at something, having my way in some insipid way. It's important for a moment, but there's no real reason for it.  It's a pointless way of being driven. There's no payoff. It's not good for me. I push myself often to the point of fatigue and beyond. I've gone many years with little sleep, and to what end? Do I live in a comfortable house? Do I have a sizeable pension waiting for me? A home in the suburbs? I have nothing.  I have not failed to notice the never-ending stream of people in various media who are also driven. Many of them have horrible backgrounds, stories of neglect, abuse, hardscrabble upbringings, etc. At some point, and perhaps erroneously, I connected the dots. I believe abuse can often lead to being driven.  I watched the Netflix documentary of Quincy Jo...

I just finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a book I've been meaning to read for years. Why now? I guess because I have time, as I live alone.  There should be a trigger warning on this book; that's the first thing I think. I was triggered by the ending. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Just like the language the character uses, it was covered up but out in the open the whole time. Sometimes what someone doesn't say says more than what they do say.  Anyone who is a victim of childhood abuse will recognize themselves in the character Charlie. The whole book is Charlie writing letters to an anonymous "friend" who he does not even know. That's the entire book; that tells the whole story. His language is permeated with childhood trauma. Again, it's not always what he says; it's what he doesn't say.  So, what are the perks of being a wallflower? As far as I can see, the book only mentions one perk, and that...