This is why we can't have nice things

Well, folks, I finally snapped. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. 

This recent emotional breakdown was precipitated by quite a few things, things I can't get into here, but I'm writing this because something good came of it. In short, my breakdown showed me that I also had a breakthrough. Hey, I'll take the good news any way I can get it. 

In the past, I've read quite a bit about trauma bonding. A little read about this can be found here. The bulleted list at the end of the article reads like a summation of my childhood as well as workplace and romantic relationships as I got older. This article is about me.

I had an unusual (possibly co-dependent relationship) with my mother, and that set the stage for bad relationships later on. My father is a cruel, condescending, and cold man who physically abused me. My oldest brother was distant and aloof. My other brother was one of the meanest motherfuckers I've ever known. Oftentimes I am triggered by something and have to relive (through memory) one of his cruel acts. My relationships with women weren't healthy. I endured much trauma through the course of my 20-plus-year relationship with a cheating girlfriend/wife. Sadly, I blamed myself for all of these things. Taking it one step further, I often defended these people and their actions. That's all evidence of trauma-bonding.

Another part of trauma bonding is the "love bombing," when everything is hunky-dory. That's the carrot that you follow the rest of your life. That's what you want. And you'll do anything not to "screw up" so you get that love you want. The bad moments are worth enduring for the carrot, or so you tell yourself. After all, you deserve being mistreated anyway. As time goes on, a person's self-esteem continues to erode and the abuse can become more intense. I think a fair amount of manipulation and control comes into play. At times you wonder if you're going insane because you know something isn't right, but everyone acts like you're the crazy one. 

One thing the article mentions is that overcoming this type of abuse can take decades. Well, that's the rest of my life right there (as long as I live as long as American men typically do). Honestly, I don't think getting well is even a goal anymore. I don't think I'll ever get well. I'm always going to be fucked up. All I'm trying to do now is understand myself. I mean, I could spend the rest of my life in therapy, sure. But it would be me talking to yet another person who probably thinks I'm crazy. No thanks.

The breakthrough is that I'm not crazy. I trauma-bonded to my family members because they were my family and they were abusive. I had a traumatic childhood punctuated by some really nice moments. I carried that model of relationships with me through my life, allowing me to endure even more abusive relationships because that was normal for me. I took it and took it and took it because that's what I expected. If someone was good and nice to me, I didn't trust that. And I continually passed up good people in my life, people who would have treated me well, because I believed I didn't deserve it. Passing on the girl of my dreams when I was a young man is a great example of that dynamic. 

The trauma I endured as a child also explains why I retreated from the world, why I became so insular, why my internal life flourished. I put up walls to protect myself, but I also prevented myself from interacting (which would cause me to be hurt). I simply shut the world off, taking in what I chose and disregarding the rest. While this protected me, it also prevented me from growing emotionally. Allowing myself to feel pain through the process of divorce has brought this mechanism to light. It's a push-pull thing. Sometimes I allow it, and sometimes I simply shut down. There's quite a bit of dissociation involved, as well.

It's funny when I think about being in a relationship with a woman. Or anyone, for that matter. I think about it from that person's perspective. Like, how would they approve of or benefit from a relationship with me? So, instead of asking myself if I like them or whether they fit me, I'm thinking of how they can benefit from being with me. It's backward. Why do I think like that? Ninety-nine times out of 100, the answer is I have nothing to offer them, therefore I break off any possible relationship. I am really good at ending relationships because of that thought process. I end them before they even start usually. I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply too damaged to be in another relationship. I clearly have nothing to offer. 

When I read about trauma bonding, I realized why so many of my relationships were bad. I was choosing them. For me, normal was a bad relationship. For me, normal was being rejected. Not only that, but if someone rejected me, I had a tendency to become attached to them. That's because I equated rejection with people who "loved" me (like my parents and siblings), so if someone rejected me, then they must love me. Ugh!

Divorce can be a bewildering thing. Maybe for someone on the outside, it's strange to see someone struggle to cut ties with someone who hurt them so much. But it's a little easier to understand when there is childhood abuse in the past. Co-dependency comes about because of extremely low self-esteem. When trauma continues into adult relationships, then self-esteem all but withers away. You esteem your abuser more than yourself, after all. You love them and stop loving yourself. After all, if they can't love you the right way, then how can you love yourself the right way? I'm just thankful I didn't become an abuser myself, which is a common thing for kids who are abused growing up. The buck stops here.

I touched on my childhood abuse in my The Perks of Being a Wallflower post. It's safe to say that book triggered me. Actually, it's safe to say moving back to where I grew up with my parents in close proximity triggered me. All of these things have come to the surface to be dealt with. I wondered why God brought me here. So many times I wandered the hills by myself, asking this very question. Why now, why me, why here? 

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know I'll be safe as long as I put tomorrow in God's hands. As long as I'm alive, God can work with me. I'm smart enough now to realize I don't want to be any other place but with God. If anyone can make something out of this mess of a life I've lived, it's Him. While it feels like so much of my life is over, at least I can still look forward to that. God's love has filled in the parts of me that would have died otherwise, the parts that were neglected even by myself.

Thanks to God, I now know loving someone doesn't mean I'm going to endure tremendous difficulty and pain, that relationships don't always mean being hurt. I can have something better than what I've had in the past. Thanks to God, I have hope for tomorrow. I know relationships aren't always easy, but I now know relationships should never be abusive.

Thank you for reading.