Some notes on saying "I'm sorry"

"Just say you're sorry," I said, over and over again. 

My son was crying, and it was obvious he felt sorry, but he just couldn't say it. He had pushed his friend off a chair while they were playing, and his friend went splaying out across the hard floor. I think he did eventually say he was sorry, but it was like pulling teeth. Why is saying sorry so hard? 

I've talked about the ex-Marine teacher who humiliated me in front of my entire class (when we were trying out for parts for a play/musical thing) when I was in like the 7th grade. He made fun of the way I talked. I admit, I probably have a speech impediment of some sort (I blame my constantly-inflamed tonsils). He should have apologized in front of the entire class for humiliating me. Public mistakes deserve a public apology. And he could have apologized one-on-one for humiliating me, but he didn't. Instead, he insisted he was right that I was wrong for the small part I had and suggested I not do it. I insisted I would do it. I was a bigger man (even though I was not yet a man) than that grownup ex-Marine. I think teachers are supposed to help kids TRY to do things, even if they are bad at them. They should not suggest not even trying. EVER. That's a bad teacher. And, no, he never apologized for being an asshole and making me cry. 

Crying was probably my fault because I was a wussy (which is a fun, misogynistic word: wimp and pussy put together because nothing says weakness like being a girl, ya know) and should simply shrug when I'm publicly humiliated, right?

Some people will never apologize for what they did to you. I've given up on my parents ever acknowledging their wrongs in raising me. I'm not asking them to make it right. I would just like to hear an apology, that's all. My brothers will never say they are sorry for the many wrongs perpetrated on me growing up. I come from a long line of people who don't apologize.  

So, I had to unlearn the never-say-s0rry thing that was drilled into me growing up. I remember pulling the chair out from a kid I knew in a class in high school. I thought it would be funny that he would smack his butt on the floor. But he didn't. He fell all the way back and smacked his head on the floor. I didn't say I was sorry. I just hoped no one had seen it. 

Again, in college this time. I went into a gas station and paid for some gas and grabbed a map of Colorado (which I planned to use on a future trip) on my way out. The gas station attendant ran after me, saying I had to pay for the map. I wasn't familiar with this concept of paying for a map (which I had always gotten for free in the past) so said no thanks. I didn't apologize, even though I was clearly wrong and the man could have called the police on my thieving ass. I can't go back and right either of those wrongs and say I'm sorry. But I can learn from my mistakes. A funny side note to this story is I really could have used that map when I went to Colorado on a snowboarding trip later on. I got lost and it took me twice as long to get home as it should have, all because the map I had was incomplete. Shoulda bought the map!

As I've gotten older, I've unlearned a lot of hardass behavior, and one of those behaviors is not saying I'm sorry. It doesn't make me weak to say I'm sorry. It makes me a human being. It makes me well aware of my humanity, my infinite frailty before God. There is also another kind of apology. I've done this other one a lot and for some reason, people misunderstand what I'm saying. When someone has something bad happen to them and I say I'm sorry, I'm not necessarily taking responsibility (unless I actually did do it); I'm simply saying I'm sorry it happened. They will say, "Oh, it's not your fault." Yes, I know. But I feel someone should say they're sorry and it doesn't look like an apology is forthcoming from anyone else, so I'll go ahead and say I'm sorry. "I'm sorry. That must have sucked."

A side note to all of this: For some reason, it's extremely attractive when a woman over-apologizes. There's a lot of noise on the internet right now about women saying, "I'm sorry," how they say they're sorry more than men do, etc. It's called auto-apologizing. They say they're sorry without even knowing what they're saying, whether they are right in saying so or not. And some women have taken offense to this behavior, saying it makes the over-apologizer look weak. There are certain settings where I think that could work against them, but I don't necessarily think over-apologizing is a bad thing. It shows care and tenderness and empathy, all of which are lacking in our culture. And, personally, it makes my dick hard when a woman over-apologizes. I like that tenderness, that attention to detail, that weakness, if I can use that word, in a woman. I'm tired of the feminist notion that women should be more like men. They don't have to be as stupid and hard as us, bulldozing their way through life and never saying they're sorry. That's ugly behavior. I don't want a woman like that next to me, but I admit that's my personal opinion and I'm talking about the personal sphere and not what goes on a boardroom, where women's voices are often not heard or respected. 

Admittedly, I apologize many times when I shouldn't. I do so for the sake of peace, because, as the Bible says, "blessed are the peacemakers." Even though I'm a small guy, I have broad shoulders in that sense. For me, it's okay to say I'm sorry and let the whole thing go away instead of having a fight about who is right and who is wrong. But, I can also see that it sets the stage for bad behavior to continue and for problems to arise over and over again. That's the only problem I see with over-apologizing. Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade. I mean, forgiveness has to follow when a mistake is made. But, if you say it was your fault and it really wasn't, that whole thing is now skewed and is going to keep happening. You've just given it a green light. I blamed myself for my ex-wife's infidelity. I gave the whole thing a big thumbs up by doing so. I was wrong to accept the blame for that. I deserved better, but I thought I didn't. I accepted untold heartache because I thought a woman had settled for me and I felt sorry for her. The truth is, I'm not perfect, but I'm a great guy in many ways. How do I apologize to myself for not seeing that?

I've been extremely sorry to the point of grieving my soul over the mess I've made in other people's lives over the course of the last two-plus years. There's nothing I can do about that now. I just pray God puts everyone back together better than before. I would apologize to the woman I love once again here, but she no longer reads this blog. Numerous texts and emails have gone unanswered over the last two years, so I don't know if another apology would even find its way to her. That's okay. I did apologize to her while I had the chance. In this case, an apology is not enough. My infinite greediness caused the loss of everything she held dear to her, mostly her family. How on earth can I say I'm sorry enough for that? Words are weak in the face of something like that. 

"I'm sorry I fucked up your life." 

"Oh, don't worry about it."

At the end of the day, I have to be able to say I've forgiven myself. How do I tell myself I'm sorry? I don't know, but I have to. I don't know what prevented me from saying I was sorry to all those people I hurt in my life. Was it pride? I've never seen pride help a human being. I've only seen it hold them back from doing what they should do or what they want to do. So, I have to throw off the pride or whatever it is preventing me from saying those words to myself. I have to apologize to myself.

I have lost everything dear to me. I've lost things I never thought I'd have as well as things I worked years to accomplish, dreams that eluded me forever. I feel I've been punished enough for my sins. If God's heavy hand continues to punish me, soon there will be nothing left. I've talked with Him, and I believe I am done. I deserved every rotten thing that happened to me in the last few years. I am not blameless. I humbly accepted my punishment. Walking with God is pretty simple. It's all about obedience. That's where I am right now. I'm tired of getting spanked. But I know I belong to God. I know because He chastises me. If He didn't do that, I wouldn't belong to Him. I don't spank kids who aren't mine. I spank my son because he belongs to me. So, through all of this, at least I know I belong to God. 

Saying I'm sorry has not been an easy path, but I wish I had started earlier. It would have made me a better person. I'm glad I'm not the never-say-sorry macho guy I used to be. I'm proof that God can change people. If they're willing.