41 things - part four

Last post! That wasn't so bad, was it? I'm now officially sick of myself. I bet y'all are too.

31) I like messing with people. Not all the time, of course, because that's obnoxious. At my old job, one of my favorite things to do was to tell a string of jokes about something until someone joined in. At that point, I would turn on them and act horrified, like they had gone too far. That still cracks me up. I'm pretty sure 99.9% of my humor is for my own amusement.

32) I don't remember my first time having sex at all. I just wanted to get it over with. I waited 20 years for it, but I have no recollection. Ain't that how it goes? You wait so long for something and then it's over and you don't even remember it, like cotton candy in your mouth. Furthermore, I don't know if this is a function of my bad memory or what, but I don't even remember what sex was like, period.

33) My favorite book is the Bible. After that, let's see, there are so many. One of my favorites is Maine Farm by Stanley Joseph. It's a continuation of the theme started by Henry Beston in his book Northern Farm and passed along through the Nearings' The Good Life, all of which I've read. I love everything from Henry Beston. His words are both down-to-earth and lyrical. The Outermost House is one of the best books I've read. I also enjoy reading biographies and autobiographies because I favor nonfiction over fiction, though I do like the classics from F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway. I like real experiences and real people in all their glory and ugliness. I also like reading about Russia because I'm fascinated by its culture and history.

34) Hoosiers is one of my favorite movies. At various times I counted among my favorites Rushmore, The Big Lebowski, the Pet Detective movies (there's even a picture of me at Jim Carrey's Hollywood star in 1997), numerous Clint Eastwood films, Predator, Point Break (the original with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze; I've watched it a million times), and lots of shoot-em-up stuff and zombie movies. These days, I prefer psychological thrillers and documentaries. Also, I read that watching superhero movies increases a person's sense of well-being as well as their confidence, so I may have to check out more of those. I need all of that. 

35) I have a strong distaste for lentils. My mom used to make them in the 1980s when everyone turned into health fanatics. She made a big batch of bbq lentils in a crockpot. After a few days of that, I swore them off. I've included a picture of my mom's heinous concoction so you can all recoil in horror. I can still taste them!

36) There's a picture of me out there; it's one of the first to come up if you look for my name on the internet. I don't look too happy. It's with a bunch of my coworkers a few years ago; we had all gotten awards of some sort. My dad had just said something mean to me a few moments before that. So I look angry. I was. (Normally I just look kind of dumb or bewildered, as old men often do.) My father is a cruel, cruel man. I've often thought about skipping his funeral whenever that happens. But funerals are for the living, not the dead. He won't even know if I'm there or not. But my mom will. Yeah, I'll probably skip it anyway.

37) I was given a yellow and gray Huffy Yosemite mountain bike for my birthday when I turned 13. I still have this bike. It has some duct tape on the handlebars to keep the foam from falling off the handles. It has a chain wrapped around the frame, the keys to which I have probably lost. The brakes scream like a banshee but don't do much to stop the bike. The original 18 gears are down to about five usable gears. But I put new tires on it last year and rode it this spring with my son (he was on his Strider bike). It was a pretty fun time, and he didn't fall until the very end when he was "cleaning his tires," going through a mud puddle. He didn't get hurt. Just muddy.

38) I've gotten stitches twice in my life. The first time was when I was very young. My dad took me with him to Chadron, Neb., where he would go on business. I was in the back room of the printing plant and was on a cart that held bags for newspapers. The cart was heavy, as it held a lot of weight. My dad warned me not to play on it because it might tip over, and it did. I fell head-first onto the concrete floor. There is a scar by my eye, so I'm not sure the stitches did much good. I fought the doctor the whole time, too. 

The second time was when I was in my 20s. I was putting some knives away at work and apparently wasn't paying attention. My left-hand index finger slid along a serrated blade which cut to the bone. It was a bad place for a cut, and I remember almost falling asleep on the operating table, which probably tells you why I cut myself in the first place. I got a tetanus shot this time, and for some reason, it hurt more than cutting my finger. For the most part, I've done a good job staying away from doctors.

39) I've only been stung by a bee once in my life. I was little. I cried. I'd probably cry if I was stung today, too.

40) When I think about it, I've only had one official girlfriend. And really just one official relationship. The rest were false starts or no-gos or were merely in my head. In fact, I've probably manufactured most of my life in my head. The soundtrack is better that way.

41) And, finally, here's a story to end with: I don't remember the year, but it was either 1998 or 1999 when this happened. I was living in Ohio and was making my way back to Missouri where my parents lived at the time. It was right before Thanksgiving. Late at night. I didn't have a cell phone back then. When, at 75 mph, one of my rear tires blew up (as in, literally shredded), I didn't have a whole lot of difficulty getting the car off to the side of the road. If it had been a front tire, I wouldn't have been able to steer my Jeep. Anyway, so there I am in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone at the side of the highway, big trucks whizzing by. 

I had a spare. I tried to change the tire, but one of the lug nuts was smaller than the rest. Clearly, I was losing options. I closed my eyes and prayed as my car swayed with each pass of tractor-trailers. I saw a house on the side of the road off a bit in the distance. So I went to the house thinking I could call my USAA insurance's roadside assist number. The man who answered the door was frying bologna or something with no shirt on. He said he didn't have a phone. After looking around his house for a few seconds, I believed him. He said he'd help me with my tire, though. I was shocked and thankful. 

We went back to my Jeep by the side of the road, and he decided he needed his tools, which were at his neighbor's house. So I got in his car with him as he crunched through the gears. We talked a little. He got his tools. We went back to my car, got the tire off, and then he did something ridiculously unexpected. He took my spare (which was flat) and put it on the other rim, the one that had the blown-up tire on it (because he thought the spare's rim might leak air). The guy had an electric tire-changing station inside his "garage," which he was in the process of building! No phone, but he had a tire-changing machine. 

The whole time I stood there watching him do that, a big-ass, menacing dog in the shadows was leering at me like it wanted to eat me. And there was a pile of deer bones and fur which I assumed was poached for some reason. He got my tire and wheel put back together, then we went out and put it on my car. Good as new! I gave him some money, which wasn't much because I was poor, and I got in my Jeep. I tried to start my car and ... the battery was dead. I guess my hazard lights drained the poor battery as it sat there for hours.

So, back to the man's house I went. He jumped my battery, and I was on my way. It was late that night (around midnight) when I got to my parents' house in Cameron. What could have been a disastrous experience was salvaged by a prayer at the side of the road and the kindness of a man whose name I don't remember. On my return trip to Ohio, I stopped at his house and gave him some more money for his kindness. He said, "Now I can finish my garage."

Whew! Thanks for reading!