What Did You Expect From The Vaccines?

The Vaccines released this album — What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? — in 2011. I quickly fell in love with it back then, then lost it somehow, and now own it again. I'm so glad because I fucking love this album. It brought a lot of things back to me in a way that only music can. 

I was surely listening to this album a lot when I decided to leave my ex-wife initially. I had a ton of time alone (though not really free time). Always have. That's how I live. I live alone. I'm not entirely sure how other people exist without alone time. Oh, that's right. Real people have real lives, and real lives have other people in them. And, hopefully, enjoyable people. I keep forgetting that.

I've posted the whole album here, though I feel the best way to listen to it is on a proper format like CD (preferably on vinyl, though). As with anything, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But, let me say, this album is beautiful to me. I'm sure all y'all are scared of my musical tastes by now. I mean, I run the gamut from Bad Religion to Taylor Swift. Accessibility-wise, this one is somewhere in the middle. 

What Did You Expect From The Vaccines was The Vaccines' first release and arguably their best. I've tried to listen to their other albums, but they sound ... bad. There I go again trying to account for taste. I'm sure someone out there loves those albums. I don't. I like this one, though. It's fun. It puts a smile on my face. Some tracks, I can close my eyes and just disappear. Can I use the term "eargasm?" No? Okay, I won't. There are actually two parts of the album I don't care for, but everything perfect in this world is flawed. Yeah, go ahead and ponder that statement.

This album is irreverent, raw, and imperfect, just as rock and roll should be. I love the singer's thick accent. It reminds me of so many classic rock bands' sounds. I can also hear some old U2 in there, as well as some Beach Boys. I love every single track. I used to fast-forward through Post Break-Up Sex, but no longer. Now it's one of my favorite tracks, and for reasons that will remain private. 

One thing I've learned about relationships is that we often choose someone who has the qualities we lack. Maybe she was more personable. More outgoing. More decisive. More capable in some way than I was (and she was all of those). When that person leaves your life, however, you lack those things again. You aren't "whole," but, of course, you never were. You just let someone else be you instead of you! Well, when my relationship ended, I lost a whole lot of things. I'm incomplete again. But, mostly, I lost a whole lot of fucked-up. And that, frankly, makes it worth whatever else I lost. Admittedly, this is from my own experience and is probably in no way connected to reality, but for me, relationships have been the hardest thing I've ever encountered and women are the most inscrutable thing in God's creation. So, for me, maybe it is best to be alone and "incomplete." Moving on.  

Why the hell am I posting an album that was released eight years ago? What does this have to do with me? That's a good segue, Joshua. 

It's the feeling I get when I listen to it. I feel free. I feel good. I feel just as I should, having endured and exited a very bad relationship. I feel fucking fantastic about that. I haven't had the time to decompress and process all of what my divorce meant to me until lately, so let me record it here: I feel awesome. I can't believe I waited so long. I'm glad I did it. I should have done it sooner. If I had to do it again, I would jump ship again. For a while, I felt bad about how I left my marriage. Let me go on the record and say I no longer feel bad. It was a small taste of what I endured for 20 years. I do not feel sorry for her anymore. If anything, I should have skewered her more than I did as I was leaving. She got off lightly. In short, I've come full circle.

While this may not sound like the man who has been writing this blog for over a year now, I can assure it is the same man. There is no way I'll overcome all the fucked-up things she did to me. I can't replace what she took from me. I'll never be whole again. I'll never love another woman at full capacity. All because of her. (Cue Kelly Clarkson's Because of You.) It's impossible I could ever hurt her like she hurt me, but she got a small taste of what I felt as I exited our relationshit. That last word isn't a typo.

Perhaps, when I was listening to this album seven (and maybe eight) years ago, all of this was going through my mind. I sensed freedom. I imagined it. I hoped it into existence, only to have it extinguished once more (as I gave my marriage one last, desperate chance). But I never forgot that feeling — the feeling I am immersed in now. And I've gotta say, it fits me just fine, even though it is far from complete freedom. It's like water to a dry and thirsty soul. How can 35 minutes spent listening to an album bring all of that back? It doesn't even take that long. It starts with the first track's thundering, wrecking-ball beats and lingers far after the hidden track at the end plods away to completion. 

What I feel is free and carefree. All of those bike rides as a youngster. All of those stolen moments – just me and my books, my magazines, my drawings, my imagination. A summer morning's searing sunshine, gum stuck to the pavement, the smell of freshly-cut grass. What I feel is a return to my youth and the raging independence I forged. Why did I eschew having a girlfriend for so long? I wanted to be free. When a girl starts to feel like a prison, I start looking for an exit. While all of this may sound like overkill, and, indeed, it is, that's the thing that happens in a person's mind when they leave a bad situation. 

What I'm left with is this. I did the hardest thing I could imagine doing. It's done. It's over. And that feels so good right now, I don't even have words. I'm finally free of her. My heart leaps inside of me just thinking about it. I broke away, and forever. This album sounds like how I feel right now — chaotic, beautiful, and free.