What follows me

I've walked through
600 miles of pain
so much was said and done
I don't even remember my name

I retraced my steps
down to the river 
where I watched her lifeless body
float away, forever away
and by the railroad tracks
where I drank in my car
and broke my empties on the hollow moon,
his eyes sadder than mine

I fled from everywhere
just so I could breathe
but the places I found
strangled me just the same
It seems the blows keep coming
like a metronome keeping time

The stars shine down on my madness tonight
what I've done I cannot undo
my apologies flow like a river
and it will never be enough
to save them from what I've done
or save me
from this bitter, seeping wound

Precious things and precious people
I'm not allowed to have
they slip like sand
through these slick hands

What makes you roar, son
is what keeps you alive
then, sir, it's pain and hate
and rejection and trauma
and suffering flowing in my veins
no wonder my blood boils so
and riots and screams like it does

I leave you with this
it's not the battles you win
or the people you love
or the good you do
because your smugness is wearing thin
and what follows me
follows you too,
erasing us as soon as we're through
though we swore all along
we were better than all of this,
better than that man
screaming at the moon
in the shadow of a downbound train.