my careless contagion

Recently, I was sad to hear of the suicide death of Daisy Coleman, who was featured in the Netflix documentary Audrie & Daisy (2016). Audrie Pott killed herself in 2012, so both the girls are now dead. I recall watching the film and some themes stuck with me, which I will discuss. These girls were sexually assaulted, then victim-blamed and further traumatized by their communities after the fact. If you want to know the whole story, you can watch the documentary or read more online. The death of Daisy effectively ends this story, but it also brings up a lot of questions.  Audrie Pott Sexual assault is as old as the world. It's the image of a caveman bonking a girl on the head and dragging her back to his cave. We see it in King David's family (actually, his family was rife with sexual sins of all sorts), where Amnon raped his half-sister Tamar. The characteristic rapist progression is obsession followed by consummation, followed by disgust. We saw the same thing pl...

This article. I read this at work and wanted to bawl. Go ahead and read it. It's about an old, married couple who died 33 hours apart. When you've been married 68 years and grew up together, being without that person feels like dying anyway. So when they leave for good, you follow them too. This story really touched me, so I'm sharing it. They were one person. I think that's rare in this world, at least it is now. Everyone has their own agenda now. Theirs is the kind of relationship I wanted, and now I'm staring at a future that is very lonely. Staying with one person — that one person who makes you feel alive and complete and happy your whole life — that's what I wanted. Yes, I know there are hard times, you don't have to tell me that, but how you feel about that person doesn't change. That's special. I feel my life has been incredibly unfair and unkind. I try not to complain, but, still, it's there in front of me. And, on top of that, I...

Alex Honnold after his death-defying, 3,000 ft. free solo climb of El Capitan in 2017. Death is terrifying. It's like walking through a door you can't ever reopen. It is the most final thing we can do. It's not that our lives are so short, though some of them are. It's that we're dead for so long.  So many millions and billions have died before me. I should be assured it is nothing but common to die. Yet, I have not died, therefore, it is an uncommon experience for me.  I'm not concerned about myself, as I trust my eternity to God. I did nothing to be brought into this world, He has gotten me through my life thus far, and my eternity is entirely up to Him, as well. However, what about those left behind?  I've contemplated suicide many times, for years, really. Most of my life. I remember being in the back of the family car (station wagon, Suburban, I don't remember which) and wishing with all of my might to die. I was banished yet again to the...

I've walked through 600 miles of pain so much was said and done I don't even remember my name I retraced my steps down to the river  where I watched her lifeless body float away, forever away and by the railroad tracks where I drank in my car and broke my empties on the hollow moon, his eyes sadder than mine I fled from everywhere just so I could breathe but the places I found strangled me just the same It seems the blows keep coming like a metronome keeping time The stars shine down on my madness tonight what I've done I cannot undo my apologies flow like a river and it will never be enough to save them from what I've done or save me from this bitter, seeping wound Precious things and precious people I'm not allowed to have they slip like sand through these slick hands What makes you roar, son is what keeps you alive then, sir, it's pain and hate and rejection and trauma and suffering flowing in my veins no wonder m...

It's time for drastic actions. If I need to get over a girl, what's the best way? What's the fastest, surest way? Whatever that is, I have to find it. Now.  I've labored under many illusions over the years, especially in love. Maybe it's just dumb luck, or maybe it's me. After decades of heartache, I'm pretty sure it's just me. I don't know how to love, and that has to change.  What's wrong cannot be made right. What's done is done. But, I have the distinct advantage of being able to start again. Someday. Not today. Today I'm still fucked up over someone. In order to start again someday, I have to get over her.  The way I loved is not the way I will love. I've pulled back in horrifying ways. I don't resemble myself anymore, and that's frightening. It's what I have to live with; I'm the guy who put his hand in the chipper and lost it. I'm the guy who gambled everything he had and some things he didn't....

It's a peculiar death, the death of a romantic. It may look like any other emotional disturbance to the average onlooker, but those who have been there know it's not your average broken heart.  There are tomes full of advice for those who dare fall in love. Throw those away, for you are a rare soul. You are a romantic. You believe against all odds. You hope against hope. You sometimes despair of life because your heart hurts so much, because it just can't reach who it wants to reach, because it lost the one person who was worth more than the world to them. The death of a romantic is heartbreaking to watch. It's like watching the first broken heart the world has ever seen. It's spectacular. And brutal. And it makes you want to scream at them to just buck up, let go, face the facts, walk away, get mad, break something, do anything but endure what they're enduring.  But they just break. They melt. Their life oozes out of them. It's like watching a pri...

This isn't like me. Where did I go? I'm one of the toughest people I know. I've been through things that should have killed me. I've been through things that no one else will ever know. I've struggled through so many awful days and nights that stretched into years and decades. I was made of something that just wouldn't quit. What have I become?  Through a series of humbling misadventures, many facts about myself have come to the surface. That's my only explanation. My body, my soul, and my spirit show the carnage they've been through. The scars are there for all to see. I've been broken more times than I can count, have stood tall in the midst of chaos and pain that fell like rain. There aren't words to explain what I've seen.  It should have destroyed me. It didn't. Parts of me are gone now, never to be retrieved. I'm not an ordinary person. People eventually see it. It scares them. How could anyone shuffle through such mi...

I'm so tired of being tired. I just want it all to end. If there's no Great Beginning and no Great Perhaps, then that's alright. I just need to lay down and not get up again. This is me walking away.  Nothing makes sense anymore; I've only tried to do what's best, what's right. I never said I was perfect. I'm sorry for my mistakes and missteps; if I could walk them back I would. I've led a pretty decent life, and it's okay to let it go. So, this is me letting go. When we broke, I broke too, and that's not like me. I don't break like this, not over a girl. But you're not just an ordinary girl. You're the girl I want. If I had done one good thing for you, maybe it would be okay. I couldn't help but ruin a beautiful thing. I couldn't help but ruin you. This is me saying I'm sorry. I'd take the pain from your eyes if I could. I'd take the pieces of your heart and mend them, even if it took me a thous...

Dear God, these days have drained me of all life. When I thought I couldn't go any deeper into it, I sunk down further. When I thought I couldn't lose anything else, I lost still more. Maybe thinking is what's doing me in. I guess I don't get the point, and it's not like I ever did. Maybe I just need to see the end of me so you can show me that I'm not really in control. It seems that the end is as near as I want it to be. I want to walk through the cold and cutting wind and into the forest, to sit under a tree until sleep overcomes me. And never wake up. Let the wind molest me. Let the rain fall down. Let the coyotes tear my flesh. Let the beetles and the mice clean my bones. And let the ravens scatter them. The sun will bleach my bones. My flesh will return to the earth. And all the things that perplex me, haunt me, drive me, break me, cut me, and laugh at me will cease to exist. If I lay down under this tree, maybe I w...

I woke with a start. I knew I couldn't go back to sleep. It was 5 a.m., and my heart was pounding because the dreams were so real, because I was at my own funeral, and wasn't it ironic, man? There I was, walking, trying not to get hit by cars when I crossed the road, amazed by all the people who I knew and didn't know who wanted to see me put in the ground. The truth is, I feel like that most days. Like I died so long ago, left myself in the dirt somewhere. Where? My boyhood home? That night I didn't kiss the girl? The night I kissed the wrong girl? The night she cried in her underwear on the dining room floor and it was so cold? Maybe when I left her behind in that place, when I drove those lonely miles to start a new life? When she told me with the devil in her eyes that she would kill me if I left her? Every day is another step closer to that day they put me in the ground. Why is it so important that people are there to see it when I'm not even there...

I broke something I can't fix It's gone beyond my little world like cracks on a windscreen they've spread to you and those you love the most It's permanent like a stain it eats at me like acid rain My face in the mirror can no longer hide it I look away My hands are busy but my heart is hurting I can't help what I've done Not now anyway If I had a way to repair all of this I would rise up this moment feel for those cracks spread out to you and mend them There's an unspeakable pain I've sent into your world an unspeakable sin I've spawned because I wanted too much If I could go back to the moment I made that decision to let you into my dying world I would have kept that door closed Whatever befalls me will befall me this I'm certain but I've touched your life with my careless contagion like some sort of dead man walking I've contaminated hearts and minds foreve...

*This song is clearly about the end of a relationship and the effects of that on the children. This is very much where my mind goes at this moment. My son is trying hard to not let any of this affect him, what's happening in his world. I knew there would be a price to pay for leaving my wife, but I never wanted my son to pay that price. He's trying so hard to be strong. I know his world is in turmoil. Even though I feel like he's been taken care of in amazing ways, I still can't help but feel shattered by what he's going through. When he goes to bed, I'm not there to say goodnight. When he cries out for me in the night, I am not there. When he wakes in the morning, I'm nowhere to be found.  When he's sick, what comfort am I?  My son, what have I done to you?* Precious and fragile things Need special handling My God what have we done to You? We always try to share The tenderest of care Now look what we have put You through Things get damage...

Walking from empty room to empty room I feel the full weight of what I've wrought bearing down on me Walking that lonely trail brought tears to my eyes there's a last time for everything and a last time for us Remember when we walked together our son on my back down these same paths? he ate his first wild raspberries here and shared them with us This place saw us come and bid us farewell it remains but we have changed for "we" are no more My heart is broken my eyes have endless tears for the measure of our lives together here This house held us together for these three years.

*This song was on the radio a lot in 1996 and 1997. I guess it seeped into my subconscious. After I met the girl I would eventually leave Nebraska for and start a new life with in Ohio, I consciously adopted this song as my "theme song" for our relationship. Obviously, this song is not about loving a girl; it's about rejecting how or who you're being told to love. It's a breaking-free song. I was breaking free from my parents with my act of defiant love for someone who I knew they would hate. Anyone who knew me at the time was probably well aware that I generally did not love pop songs. This is a pop song, yet I adopted it. It became mine. All the years since then, when I hear this song, I immediately go back to that cross-country trip and what were the beginnings of my new life. I simply could not explain what I was doing or feeling to anyone. This song kind of bridged the gap. If I could stay within the parameters of this band, then I could easily descri...

There are parts of me that are dying some are dead already that's okay; let them decay I must not need them anyway there's so much death here I have to hold my breath or risk choking on the fetid smell This grand new life this bold adventure requires much daily sacrifice I sacrifice my old self every day I've crawled out of so much rottenness so much disease destruction, chaos But I'm alive and, surprisingly, no -- shockingly -- happy I couldn't outrun the pain the rain or this stubborn stain I call my life I exist I am thankful and I can't wait for another day.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missing home Only know you love her when you let her go And you let her go Staring at the bottom of your glass Hoping one day you'll make a dream last But dreams come slow and they go so fast You see her when you close your eyes Maybe one day you'll understand why Everything you touch surely dies Cause you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missing home Only know you love her when you let her go Staring at the ceiling in the dark Same old empty feeling in your heart Love comes slow and it goes so fast Well you see her wh...