Drastic actions



It's time for drastic actions. If I need to get over a girl, what's the best way? What's the fastest, surest way? Whatever that is, I have to find it. Now. 

 I've labored under many illusions over the years, especially in love. Maybe it's just dumb luck, or maybe it's me. After decades of heartache, I'm pretty sure it's just me. I don't know how to love, and that has to change. 

 What's wrong cannot be made right. What's done is done. But, I have the distinct advantage of being able to start again. Someday. Not today. Today I'm still fucked up over someone. In order to start again someday, I have to get over her. 

 The way I loved is not the way I will love. I've pulled back in horrifying ways. I don't resemble myself anymore, and that's frightening. It's what I have to live with; I'm the guy who put his hand in the chipper and lost it. I'm the guy who gambled everything he had and some things he didn't. And lost it all. Hard lessons teach hard truths. I learned I cannot love that way again. I've been rearranged permanently. 

 I realized at some point I wasn't going to come out of this the same, and now I'm starting to see the shape of what I'm becoming. It's not the me I know. It's a disfigured version, but it's all I have, all that survived. Unfortunately, this is my future. I've become this ... thing. 

 It's true what they say about nice guys. Nice guys finish last. I can vouch for the truth of that statement. Give all you have and it will only assure more of the same. Go through hell and back for someone, and they will expect you to do it again. Do it once and you have to do it forever. Congratulations, you're now a schmuck. 

 It's time to accept this new me. Let the old man go. He was pretty fucking worthless anyway. Time to walk away from what isn't working. Even if what isn't working is me. 

 Metaphorically speaking, I'm going to walk my happy ass down to the river's edge, whet my blade, and put the old man out of his misery. Then he'll take a ride in that icy water he cannot feel and disappear beneath the waves. It was a brutal life you lived, my friend. I'm sorry you didn't figure things out sooner. 

 As I walk back to my life, I can feel the weight of ages lifting, the sun shining, the air still, and a new name in my mind. I've been reborn, borne out of suffering. I'm a new man. I've seen the future, and it's afraid of me. 

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