In your eyes



"I see my future in your eyes." Those were the words I wanted to say to you all those years ago in my parents' basement. Oh, my dear, if only I had. How would our lives be different today? 

 It's one thing to love a woman. It is an incontestable fact I love you. It's another thing to miss a woman. That is another incontestable fact of how I feel, I'm afraid. But sadly, I believe I have missed you most of my life. Not only that, but I missed out on you. 

 If someone asked me what I love about you, I could answer at length. But the question I cannot answer is WHY I love you. Why do I miss you? Why do I love you? The answer is buried in my DNA, perhaps. It rides on my synapses and gathers in the corners of my mind, building upon itself until it overwhelms me. You make sense to me. I want you near me always, as I thought you would be. 

 It was a cruel day I realized you would never be mine. To experience that day twice in a lifetime was heretofore unthinkable. How much can a man miss a woman? I've plumbed the depths, and I fear I have only just begun. 

 When we were freshmen in college, that's when I realized I missed you. I didn't miss you in a way like, "Aw, remember that girl? I wonder what she's up to?" It was a deep longing, and that longing became the canvas of a picture I was beginning to paint. It was a longing that said something was missing. That something was a someone, and that someone was you. 

 I missed you then and I miss you now and I will go on missing you, apparently, because that's what I do. I want to tell you I still see my future in your pretty green eyes. I want to paint that picture with you the rest of my days. The rest of our days. I want to share with you and let you share with me. I want to talk to you like you've never been out of my life. I want to lay my head down next to yours after our long days and know you are mine. I want to hold you close and feel your heart like I've always wanted to feel it. Right next to mine.  

 It's so hard for me to see what lies ahead. I can't forecast the future. I know things would be much clearer if I could just see what's in your eyes.

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