Bide my time

Lyrics: 

Pull down the blinds
Don't think I'll make it out today
Spilling down from the sky
Another day, one more than I can take
Get my irons from the fire
Cause mistakes are all I seem able to make these days


Later to bed, later to rise
Feeling unhealthy, unwealthy, and unwise
I'm not screening calls
I just ain't answering the phone
Don't come banging on my door
Please just leave me alone

I don't know another way
I'm waiting for my luck to change
Without you by my side

This loneliness I feel
Is the kind I fear I'll keep
I'm trying to fall out of love
But I'm only falling asleep

I miss you so much
I might as well miss everyone
Ain't we having fun 


I've committed a great crime of omission. I have neglected to mention one of my favorite bands, a band I thought I would never get to see live yet got to see twice. Samiam! How do I describe Samiam? They're indescribable! Their name is clearly derived from Dr. Seuss. We can start there. And I do like them, Sam I am. 

I started listening to them about the time my world turned to shit, having found them on mp3.com, right about 20 years ago. They have existed for 30 years, and there is really no good reason you've never heard of them. I'm not one of those cool people who keep their bands secret. I like to share music and made my fair share of mix tapes back in my internet relay chat days, and I uploaded nearly as much music as I downloaded. 

Samiam's album Whatever's Got You Down, released in 2006, contains many songs that remain stuck in my soul. This is (what I consider) the last song on the album (as there is a silly bonus track). It's a good song to end an album, as it's impossible for me to stop singing it. The sentiment of the song also seems impossible to stop, as it is where my life is stuck right now. 

It was about a year ago when we (the love of my life and I) realized we needed to stop talking to each other. She kept trying to tell me what I already knew — that we were just tearing each other up. At the beginning of deer season, my first day out, I couldn't even think about hunting. I felt sick because I knew she was right. I told her she was right and we needed to stop talking to each other. Her family confronted her and shared the same sentiment, which I thought was ironic. Here was a man who carried on extramarital affairs telling his sweet, enduring wife not to talk to other men during their separation? What a ridiculous request. And in front of the children, no less. That's how you spell manipulation. But I digress. 

I agreed we shouldn't talk, however, because my soul was being rent, and I was being forever changed by what I was going through. It was better to not talk to each other because the sheer weight of decisions made was crushing me. Little did I know that trend would continue. And she would disappear from my life. For a grand total of a year and a half now, she's convinced me I need to let go. She's done a good job convincing me. It's an extreme sadness I now face, but it's not as sad as holding on to something that's dead. 

I was unable to find a video for this song, which is hard to believe, but lyrics will have to suffice. What drew me back to this old song is the story of a man trying to "fall out of love." That's me, of course.

The idea is that by waiting, the impossible becomes possible and falling out of love can be achieved. That's wrong, of course. Time is neutral, as Martin Luther King Jr. stated. It's up to us to enact change. Time alone changes nothing. Still, sometimes all one can do is hope and pray that time passing will change circumstances. Or one's heart.

This is what I'm faced with. This is the next monumental task I have staring at me, sitting in the corner, waiting for me to turn and unravel it. It sits there, coiled powerfully like a snake. When I finally get up the nerve to get over this girl, I may understand why I waited so long. It may be the most unsavory task I've ever committed myself to. In my heart, I know I'll never be able to get over her. But, to some degree, I can go on with my life. I will always look back on our conversations with a warm spot in my chest. I will always remember the times I held her close to my body. I will remember her crawling away from me like a wounded animal, too, in the end. And I will always love her. 


How do you stop loving someone, especially the love of your life? You don't. You fool yourself. You lie and say you've done it, and when your heart tells on you, you put a wedge between you and it and end each day calling each other a liar. Eventually, the distance becomes too great and you stop feeling what your heart is telling you. You become less of a human being, inert like the lapping waves of the ocean or the sand it laps upon. You look alive and moving, but you are not.

This song is about pulling back from life, from everything and everyone. I understand how he feels. If songwriter Jason Beebout can go on living, then so can I. After all, it's true the pain subsides. After the pain, what you're left with is a series of decisions. Those decisions contain the key to successfully moving on. 

Beyond today, I know nothing about my life. Tomorrow could be what I really need, or it could contain the same or worse as today. All I know is I dread (even to the point of feeling it physically) the process of moving on. There is one thing that helps me understand the weight of this process. 

I liken the moving on of the heart to the act of moving geographically. In fact, some people combine the two processes since they are so similar. If you do one, in fact, it can help you do the other. Rather than surrounding yourself with memories of something that no longer exists, you remove yourself from them, hoping they will, in turn, remove themselves from you. 

I gave away as much of my stuff as I could when I sold my house because I knew the memories would exist as long as I had those objects. I'm down to the bare necessities. I have only two chairs in my apartment, one for work (homework) and one for play (watching TV). I may be alone in this way, but it has helped me move on from my divorce. The next relationship that ended, however, appears to be much trickier. 

When I imagine geographically moving, that's when I realize how huge the task of moving on in my heart is. They're almost equally terrifying. They both make me want to cover my head with my blankets in the morning after the alarm goes off and go back to sleep. They both riddle me with doubt and fear. They both seem absolutely impossible. But, they both have to be done, and I will do them. 

Let's grind this concept out a bit more. I've tried to hold on to my native soil in unprecedented ways and with incredible tenacity. It rejects me. It's impossible to live here. My heart is set on the Black Hills, though, even though I know I must leave. Even though it's clear I cannot stay here. When I leave, it will entail a rending of my soul. It will be yet another setback in my world, but just as a baby cannot stay inside its mother forever, I must exit this place and find a new world to grow into. And it will be better than this place, I know, but my heart doesn't know that. I've given myself a time frame, as I know this is the only way to accomplish this, much like getting out of bed in the morning. 

This theme has played itself out. I'm tired of thinking about it, and the only thing left is to do it. Similarly, laying in bed and thinking about going about my day won't get anything accomplished. This bed is so warm and the world out there is cold and stupid. Still, I know I have to get out of bed. And I will. Just not yet. 

I'll bide my time.