my careless contagion

When all is said and done, these pages are a microcosm. So much love. So many questions. So many lines intersecting, reaching out, connecting, diverging, close but never leading anywhere. How many millions of love letters has mankind written? How many lines went unsaid, never acted upon? I wrote my lines. I'm content knowing I tried, loved, waited, did everything I was supposed to do. What they did with my love was never in my hands. I faithfully loved until doors closed forever. Love is beautiful, but it must be chosen, accepted, brought in from the rain. Mine was discarded like an ill-timed valentine, ink bleeding in the rain, tossed about by the wind, wet and matted in a gutter.  Here, loved turned to hate. Hate turned to tears. Tears turned to forgiveness. Forgiveness turned to prayer. Prayer ended in upturned hands to a knowing God and a brokenness that cannot be healed. All the things that were once in my hands are gone. I am left with questions that stretch to the horizon....

You don't have to watch the movie Blade Runner 2049 to know who the character Joi is. In case you don't, Joi is an AI hologram girlfriend of the main character, K. This movie is the sequel to the original Blade Runner (1982) with Harrison Ford, who seems to be spending his golden years reviving franchises he made legendary. The Blade Runner movies' inspiration was Philip K. Dick's book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? But, what I want to focus on is the planned obsolesce of male-female relationships, which Joi represents. There's even a scene where K's connection with Joi is the only way he can have sex with a real girl. (Joi's hologram overlaps the girl.) That represents a lot: porn, fantasy, conflation, AI, whatever. It's impossible to have a relationship with a real woman without an intermediary.  There's more going on with AI, but I want to look at how it applies to men and women specifically. It's a dumpster fire out there, if you're...

"Run away with me," she whispered. And so began their journey together. They ran away in their hearts with one another, into the wilds of whatever is beyond the ordinary. They breathed air that was rare and alive and saw sights reserved for only them. They were in love, and they were free. Those moments were so precious they seemed stolen. Those moments changed their whole lives because they basked in the afterglow of what was and simmered in the anticipation of what was to come. It was infinite, wide open, with no constraints. Their world changed when they fell in love, and when she whispered to him, "Run away with me."  They couldn't run far because they had lives and responsibilities. But the love for one another that coursed through their veins put a shine on everything, making the ordinary more beautiful and wild. She would drive away with kisses in her hair and on her neck and he could sense the lingering smell of her perfume on his fingers and lips. As re...

The song says I know there will be brighter days. It's a good sentiment for those who aren't experiencing those brighter days at the moment. The reason I post this is I drive around all day in my truck ( this song seems to get played a lot, too, and I certainly drive circles around this town ), and sometimes it gets a little lonely. I do my job. Sometimes I have to call people. Knock on doors. Get chased by dogs. But, mostly, I'm by myself. I pray. Pray in tongues. Talk to God. I still feel lonely. So, I turn on the radio and drive around, which is something I used to do when I was younger. It was better than being in the house. This song is on quite a bit. I think a lot of people are experiencing a downturn right now, so this song hits the mark.  What does it have to do with me, though? In Matthew there is a verse that says blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. This is a biblical precept, especially when we ask God into our lives. It is a promise. I clai...

Hey, welcome back. This post makes some generalizations  (which is always fun and probably wrong)  about my new town, Kearney, Nebraska. This may be part one of a multi-part series. Or not.  It is interesting to move to a new place because you take your old assumptions and past experiences with you. You apply those to the new place. Your mind is constantly comparing and contrasting. For a while. And then you are home and you like your new place (and I do like my new place). In fact, I haven't wanted to go back from whence I came. When I left, I took a short hike by myself as I often did. It was cold, as I recall, and two gray jays (also known as camp robbers) were keeping a close eye on me, swooping from one tree to another and following me along the trail. As I reached the end of the trail, I knew it would likely be my last time hiking there. I told those watchful jays that I likely wouldn't be back so to "take care of the place." And that was it.  These are not jud...

I believe Cindy told me (if I am wrong, let her correct me, but I don't think she reads here anymore) she believes being with me would be a sin, which I contest, of course. I think that is legalistic garbage, but how can I argue with someone who says such a thing? What is important to them is what they believe, not what I believe. So, I write the following with the vestiges of her still in my heart but with the extremely sad realization she cannot allow herself to be with me. You know, I read a lot of classic literature, and it all seems to have the element of a sad love story, but none of it compares to the sadness of this. This was indeed written about a certain woman. I can't ask that woman to sin against her conscience in order to be with me, though. That would be unkind and wrong, and I never want to be unkind to such a lovely creature. All I know is she wants absolutely nothing to do with me, regardless of the reason. I heard every excuse imaginable and some I never imagi...

I don't know if anyone is still reading here. If not, that's fine. But this post is something I rarely do. I'm asking for prayer. If anyone reading here prays and has a moment, please say a prayer for me because I am not doing well, even relative to how I am normally.  Backing up a bit, I feel God gave me a directive Jan. 6, which I immediately requested a confirmation thereof and believed I got the same night. I won't say exactly what either of those things were because I feel I've been wrong to do that sort of thing in the past. It is embarrassing if or when either 1) it becomes clear I haven't heard God's voice or 2) I am not able to perform what I feel God told me to do. So, I will leave the details out and simply ask for prayer regarding this situation. I need to know if I heard God's voice and because of past experiences, I'm unsure if I'm hearing the right voice. That puts me in a rather bad position, but my prayer is God will open the doo...

Father and son package. Inseparable. Neither are anywhere near perfect, but they love each other a lot. Could you make these guys a part of your life? Could you take my hand and teach me — and my son — how a real woman loves and cares for those she loves? Do you have a big heart and beautiful soul? My name is Joshua. That's my son, Isaiah. That picture was taken this summer at the end of a long day of playing. We were both sweaty and tired, and one of us was way past his bedtime (you can see it on his face). My son is almost 6 years old. He's all I have in this world besides God. I'd like to share my life with a nice girl. Are you a nice girl?  First, my son. He's hyper. He's sensitive, too. He's a bit overwhelming. He's loud. He's fun. He's also super bright, but I'm pretty sure he has a learning disability. He may also be on the spectrum. I'm not sure. He is often overstimulated by ordinary things. Someday, someone will tell me what ...

Graduation: a beginning and an end. But mostly a beginning because even the word commencement means more than just a ceremony; it means a beginning. The above photo was taken shortly after my high school graduation in 1996 (which looked a lot different from graduation this year, I must say). I'm on the right. The other two are Jeff and Michelle. The photo was taken for a short news story of importance because we had all come from Hot Springs and ended up in Broken Bow. We knew each other from one town and somehow all made our way to a different town in a different state, eventually graduating together. While Michelle is still my friend today (she's moving back to Nebraska soon), Jeff has gone under the radar and I'm not sure how to contact him. His father died a few years ago (right after his dad retired, I heard). His dad coached both my brothers. I recall him on school grounds before they moved with Jeff's younger brother. I instantly recognized him and wondered wh...