Wanted: a nice girl

I believe Cindy told me (if I am wrong, let her correct me, but I don't think she reads here anymore) she believes being with me would be a sin, which I contest, of course. I think that is legalistic garbage, but how can I argue with someone who says such a thing? What is important to them is what they believe, not what I believe. So, I write the following with the vestiges of her still in my heart but with the extremely sad realization she cannot allow herself to be with me. You know, I read a lot of classic literature, and it all seems to have the element of a sad love story, but none of it compares to the sadness of this. This was indeed written about a certain woman. I can't ask that woman to sin against her conscience in order to be with me, though. That would be unkind and wrong, and I never want to be unkind to such a lovely creature. All I know is she wants absolutely nothing to do with me, regardless of the reason. I heard every excuse imaginable and some I never imagined. She was fighting for me to simply leave her alone, which is the last thing either of us wants. I must let her win. Not that I have much choice anyway, since she's smarter, faster, and, apparently, stronger-willed than me. She keeps her love story, and I keep mine, though I must bow out of the contest. I asked myself countless times what makes a woman walk away from a man like me: a man who offers her literally everything he has, or will be, or ever was, who would move heaven and earth for her, break himself over and over again if she asked, a man who loved with the heart of a lion. The answer is "something better." (I personally think God didn't want her to be married to that man because of the times that are upon us, but no one asked me. I think it was a way of protecting her and her children in some way. I'm not saying she should be with me or anyone, just that I thought God didn't want her with that man for some reason. The times are dark. Those in authority over us must be led by God.) Regardless of what the future holds for her, she does not want me. It isn't like I'm all that great anyway. No one seems to want me. So, all I can do now is trust God's plan and go wherever He leads me. I know God has someone for me because He warned me so strongly about loneliness. You know, it's like both she and I treated this whole thing as if we were the only two people to ever go through divorce. Millions have, to varying degrees of success, gone from marriage to divorce to another marriage, or single life, whichever was healthy for them. If only one person did it, though, it means anyone can do it. However, I don't know if either of us will transition to married life. It seems we both got mired in defeat for different reasons. I pray God breaks that bondage for both of us. Amen?

In a previous post I mentioned how it seems the wicked prosper and the good are cut down. That seems an appropriate description of my life. I am not a good person, but I do carry with me the righteousness of Jesus. Anyway, I neglected to mention how many times I saw wicked men and women come against me and then saw God destroy them, or they completely disappeared from my life, never to come back. I don't mention this for any other reason but because God reminded me His judgment is severe for those who work against His people, especially when people return evil for good. Sometimes God uses the wicked to drive His people in a certain direction (like in Exodus with the Egyptians). And sometimes God makes the wicked come against His people so He can destroy the wicked (also seen in Exodus). And, I can't neglect to say He judges His people that way, too. God has many reasons for allowing these things to happen, but we are safe if we stay close to Him. I had to make that correction.

In other news, I'm having some health issues which are impacting life significantly, including my eyesight/eye health. Though I haven't mentioned this before, it is a real concern. My goal is to be healthy again (in every possible way) this year, but I may need to make changes. Anyway, this is part of the reason why I haven't been able to write much lately. My goal right now is to get as healthy as possible as quickly as possible by whatever means necessary, which probably means saying goodbye to fruitcake. Crap. It is hard to get healthy when you are chronically stressed, though. I realized a while ago if I stayed at my old job, in the last seven years, I would have had roughly 35 weeks of vacation. Compare that to the two weeks I've had here. Quite a difference. But, onward!

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It may seem I've already written this post, but readers of this blog are probably used to repetition and rehashing. If not, indulge me. (This was written before the last two posts.)

I don't want a model. I don't want a young girl. I simply want a nice girl, a girl who will understand the unspeakable trauma of my past, see past it, and protect my heart. She doesn't have to love me with abandon. But she must be kind. In return, she will get a fierce defender, constant support, and a man who loves her like no other. She may not see me as the best or even her first choice, but I will see her as the best, my one and only.

Because of my past, kindness is something I don't understand. If she is kind to me, it will open our lives to happiness and intimacy and will close off the old, stagnant lie that no one will ever love or understand me. I won't ask her to know everything about me, but she must know this simple fact: all my reasons for trusting human beings were taken from me. If she can teach me to trust again, it will be like bringing a man back from the dead. I will see her as a healer, a miracle-worker, a saint. And my love will follow her wherever she goes.

She has to realize what she gets with me. She has to know I'm a sort of rescue dog who is used to being left alone and may even prefer it, who will lift his head and nod when she enters the room as opposed to running circles around her (as trust increases, I may eventually run circles). I am a man, but a broken, humble-pie version, which she may not be familiar with. I dream of taking walks and staring out at water and sunsets and children playing. My very bones were broken by this world, and they healed, but healed askew. Everything about me is like that. Maybe in the right environment, I can breathe easily and feel my chest swell again, but, then again, maybe not. I spent my entire life looking over my shoulder, terrorized by tormentors who no longer chased me, and fear is all I really know. It's why I preferred to spend my days alone. With the right company, I hope, this rescue dog can come into his own, romp freely and without care, and maybe grow a little. Or, at least, in those few dusky moments before sleep, imagine doing all of that. 

I will never heal completely. Not on terra firma. But I felt a depth of God's grace I never would have felt otherwise. That grace carries me through. I pray she knows God intimately, but her walk belongs to her. She will have her own walk, and mine belongs to me. But I pray we meet at the end of the day and share something from our separate walks. I promise to love and support her and minister to her needs as much as God allows. When the night falls and it is just the two of us in the room, I hope she feels that three-fold cord between us and know it is as strong as death. Above all, I promise to love her, and no matter what. Someday, she may forget my name or not recognize me anymore, but I will love her tenderly all the same. As long as I live, I will love her. 

 

Ideally, the woman who loves me understands the following sentiment. I don't ask that we grow or even follow the exact spiritual path or believe exactly the same things, but, ideally, she will support my spiritual journey just as I support hers. If that isn't possible, then I ask that she simply not impede my spiritual growth. 

I can't offer her physical beauty or money or anything flashy. I am a decidedly boring man on the surface, a simple, unfashionable man, but with a very complex brain. I hope she would see past my ordinary exterior and see something good to love in me. As well as that, I need a girl who will offer a supportive and safe environment or, at least, won't hinder my self-therapy and search for the truth. In the right environment, I can heal very rapidly, and that will help me to, in turn, be more supportive and offer the same to her. If a woman can help a man stay healthy, that is an amazing thing. Surely, he will return the favor. If she is a blessing to me, I will certainly bless her. 

You know, I wrote all of this generic "I want a nice girl" stuff and got to the end here, but, honestly, I just want one girl. Everyone knows this. One girl. Y'all can probably think of her name. She is the nicest girl I know, and she always was. So, perhaps this post should have had the title Wanted: Cindy. But that would be rehashing, and we don't want to do that. Tell that to my heart. 

Thanks for reading, and God bless.

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