Sweet Surrender

Sweet Surrender by John Denver. It's a sweet little song. I love this song and tried for a long time to find a way to post it. The video is from 1994, I believe, and John's voice is lower than the original recording (1974) because he is older and it is a live performance. Like all folk songs, it is accessible and the audience is able to sing along. Before I get into the reasons why I'm posting the song, go ahead and listen. 

The part that always stuck out to me was, "My life is worth the livin', I don't need to see the end." Which brings me to why I'm posting this song. This is an unscheduled post, by the way, the next scheduled post is Feb. 8 (hopefully a bit lighter). However, I need to document a specific moment. Bear with me. 

Have you ever had a dream that threw your whole day off, like you were still kind of stuck in the dream, unable to reconcile something about it, and it just bothered you something fierce?Imagine waking up every day like that, as weeks turn into months and months into years, and then a few more years. That's how much of my life felt. Something intangible was missing. Something big, but what? There were no answers, and I was left with an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to go home.

In fact, the last few years felt like Psalm 88, which is the saddest psalm. It felt like God Himself turned on me with full force. I thought He was going to kill me. Whatever it is I went through, I hope I'm near the end. Because I'm just flesh and blood. Here today, gone tomorrow. Still, the verse below is something God keeps reiterating. Many times I woke up with it in my head and went to bed with it in my heart. This is recent, and I don't know what God has planned, and it is something I've yet to see, but I claim it. 


While this post has no real point for my audience (granted anyone is still reading), it is necessary for me. Yes, everyone knows how much I struggle with thoughts of suicide. Nothing new there. I simply want to mark what I feel God showed me somehow. Last Friday (Jan. 29), as I was taking a hike after work, my mind wandered to a familiar place, and I was actually planning how I wanted to kill myself. There, on a snow-covered Forest Service trail I was having trouble negotiating, I feel God showed me in a moment what would transpire after I carried out my plans. (I reject the notion that suicidal people are selfish, as people who say such things are ignorant of the incredible pain they go through on a moment-to-moment basis. That thinking is victim blaming and wrong.) I was instantly humbled and cried. Though I have no love for my family, I also do not wish to hurt them. And then I saw my son, and I have no words for that moment. Suffice to say, without getting into details, God turned my plans around in an instant. I have no plans to kill myself anymore, just to follow God and be obedient. No, this was not an It's a Wonderful Life moment. But I did see a future that could exist. Needless to say, I reject that future and now embrace whatever God has planned. I don't have a clue what the future holds. As the song portrays, I surrendered my plans.

I hope everyone is doing well in this new year. Thank you for reading, and God bless.

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