McCook, Nebraska — third visit
Why McCook again? Am I obsessed? Vaguely. I actually dream about this place: the streets, houses, smells, feelings, and what I did. We often dream about unresolved things. Maybe it is about my education. Maybe about a girl. Maybe about youth wasted. Maybe all of it. Driving the streets and highways I used to drive brought back one overriding emotion: loneliness. It is my kryptonite, and perhaps the reason I continue to blog so hard. I need some sort of connection to someone, anyone. It is all I have, sadly. Until God provides someone for me. Then I can pester the hell out of them. I'm kidding. Maybe.
I intended to write honestly about what I found on this, my third trip, to McCook, but pardon me for holding some back until I can process it. I knew this was an important place and time in my life, and what happened here affected the trajectory of my life, but it was more than I realized. No wonder I keep coming back. No, I can't say exactly what was revealed, but it was necessary. I leave here knowing what I need to know. That was an answer to prayer. Given how desperate I am to move forward, this visit was helpful. I will say this. Feelings of loneliness and rejection were at the heart of what happened here. Those feelings catapulted me into some very bad decisions, all in an attempt to escape them. After my divorce, those feelings returned, so it was easy to tap into what happened when I lived here. Was it wrong for me to leave here to be with a girl? Absolutely not. I didn't know how she would treat me. We were fine in the beginning. My mistake was I didn't pray about it and simply jumped. That's all I can blame myself for. (And, perhaps, for not finishing another year of education, but I planned to continue in Bowling Green.) I won't do that again if I ever get another chance with a woman. God answers my prayers. He certainly did on this trip. Some important things came to light.
I'm tired of feeling lonely. As I left here, that was a big takeaway. And I don't want to blame anyone — including myself — for what happened here or in the long years since. I did what I did. Everyone else did what they did. We didn't die. We are all okay. Some more than others. But it is not healthy for me to feel this lonely. This is a problem. Bigger than I realized. Being alone, for me, is necessary, as I am an introvert. I need to recharge by being alone. But too much alone time leads to loneliness, which is extremely unhealthy for me and causes problems. This is something I need to monitor now. I need good people in my life. Until then, I may have to accept being around people — any people — period. As the Bible says, it's not good for a man to be alone.
I now feel exonerated of any perceived failures in my time here. I did very well — the best I could — and honorably, especially considering my childhood. I will not return to consider what went wrong anymore (though I would like to visit again in the fall). I didn't get the girl here or anywhere else. That's true. Cindy was with someone else when I lived here. She was off the market. Whatever I did or didn't do likely would not have mattered. Guys like me simply don't get girls like that. I learned at least that much in the intervening years. I loved her then and love her today. She is truly a quality individual. I will always admire and want to spend my life with her. I lived many years without her and felt the lack. That's all I know. And then I went on to make some big mistakes. For a long time. But, I wasn't the only one who made mistakes, and we are all just trying to figure life out, even years later. It's good to know it's all under the blood. I have a terrible past but a bright future as a result of what Jesus Christ did for me.
I won't reveal all the conclusions about my time here. I did the best I could and deserve a big hug for my efforts. No more self-castigation. I'm off the hook. Free to move forward and stop looking back. Sure, I could say I did some stuff that didn't work out and if I had done things differently, it would have been okay, but at various times in my life I tried to behave like an ordinary human being, and things still don't work. Such is my life. I had to find a new way of doing things. And what does it matter anyway? The world doesn't care if I'm happy or unhappy. It does what it does, and I'm a very small piece of it. What I do or think or feel does not matter in the scheme of things. My life is proof that even if you do your very best, sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes I wonder if it does any good to do any good. The wicked prosper. The righteous are cut down. And no one knows why. I spent my life trying to do the right thing, often failing, but always trying. What good did it do? Yes, I know I matter to God. But the world at large could not care less if I live or die. Letting the past stay in the past allows me to move forward, and forgiving myself is of utmost importance. I forgave everyone else. Now, it's my turn.
You know, I was a really special kid. Incredibly bright. Had a lot of empathy and compassion. But, above all, I wanted to do the right thing and always strove to do my best. My faith in God didn't make me unique, but it set me on a different path, which not everyone understands. Those who passed me by and didn't see those qualities missed knowing a quality human being. (It's okay to recognize some of my good qualities; I dwell on my problems a lot.) And one who didn't deserve much of the crap he dealt with. But God gives all of us grace, and, sometimes, a way out. Forgiveness is my way out. Thank God for that.
Though I remain committed to my therapy when necessary, it is also necessary to close the door on unproductive forays. This may be one of them. I want to grow but also want to feel healthy. Maybe I just like going down memory lane and visiting a time when it seemed like the possibilities were endless, when I had time to make mistakes and still recover. Or maybe I just like thinking about a particular girl and imagining moving the right pieces this time and making her mine. Anyway, it is probably time to just live my life, regardless of the past. I'm aware of my past. I'm awake. I don't need a reality check or to come to my senses. Though I'm certainly not perfect, I am a long way from where I was.
I got to see Cindy. She had a book I gave her a while ago and returned it. From talking to her, it is clear she is still stuck and will likely remain so (unless God does something, I suppose). She also seems to have a legalistic or perfectionistic view on some things. I respect her thoughts and opinions but don't completely agree. I do understand where she is coming from, and we have much in common. More than she knows. She has good reasons for saying what she says and believing what she believes. She didn't argue with me, and I won't argue with her. If God told her something — or even if she just feels a certain way — how can I argue? I cannot and won't. She is on her own journey. If God convicted her of something, that is all she needs to know. (And I don't want to argue with God either.) I want her to have what her heart wants. What is also clear is I can't change anything about her, nor do I want to. I would take her exactly as she is if she ever wanted to move forward with me and told her as much. She is the best thing out there, hands down. I would be thrilled to have her as she is. For the record, I never thought there was anything wrong with us being together, otherwise I would not have pursued her. I respect her position and told her I would not bother her as much (though I do still have one question). Something will change— maybe circumstances, maybe someone else — but it doesn't look like it will be her.
Backing up a bit. When I saw Cindy, I mapped out things I wanted to say, even practicing on the drive. And then made an outline, which I referred to. I'm honestly not that weird with everyone. Haha. Anyway, I made a point to apologize for the way I sometimes depicted her in my writing, like she was heartless or cold, which was incredibly unfair. She is one of the kindest and warmest people I know. In fact, she feels and experiences life much bigger than other people because of her psychology. How could I misrepresent the girl I love, who is such a lovely person? I apologized when I saw her, and I apologize again. Also, our backstory is incomplete. She said she fell in love with me when she first saw me in 4th grade when I moved to her town. We were 10 years old. She tried relentlessly to get my attention the rest of our school years together. It was only after high school graduation that I realized what was right in front of me all that time, missed her, and then ended up missing out. By the time I was awake enough to do anything, it was too late. Kicking myself ever since. She loved me before I loved her. The story goes she started seeing the man she would later marry three days before I asked her on an official date. Consider that. Three days separated me from the girl of my dreams. I should have hurried up back then, and now it seems I should wait, or it's too late. Sometimes life doesn't make any sense. Then there was the love letter she sent when I moved away, which I never answered. It wouldn't have mattered, most likely, as we were both with someone. Still, what if I had answered it and at least kept a dialogue open? I don't want to miss out on her again. Even if there is only a small chance we can be together, shouldn't I wait? I guess I will pray about it and do what God tells me to do. Just when you think someone or something can't change, God will change them or it. I put a fleece out there concerning this, as well as a short timeline. That's where I am in my faith now. I should be in a better place with God. Gideon didn't know how to talk to God. He wasn't a priest. He was a boy. But God answered him. I hope He answers me, too.
Yes, I believe she still loves me. But, as the previous many posts point out, it is complicated. We carry around lots of people in our hearts, especially people we spent a lot of time with. Parts of us will always belong to other people. We could even say we love those people in some capacity. Love comes in different shapes and sizes. That is okay, and to expect anything else is unrealistic. Those feelings don't have to go away in order to move on with our lives. Parts of our hearts will always want to fix what happened or still feel devotion to someone. No situation is perfect, none of us love perfectly, and no love is ever perfect, except God's. Anyway, I wish it was enough that we love each other. In the past, all I asked was she let me love her and be a part of her life; I never expected her to return my love in the same measure. I know she cares about me. That is enough. But let's not rehash. It bears repeating, all of this is submitted to God. I cannot do anything unless He will bless it, and that was part of why I pursued her the last 3-plus years. I feel we are both in perhaps better places now than a few years ago. (She said she is in a "different place now," so I think she is doing better, or maybe just moved on. Hard to tell what that means. Yes, I'm the champion of overthinking.) I know God is in charge. If she is taken from me again, yes, I will be sad. (She didn't mention a future for us, but she did talk about the future with her ex, which is in line with her actions.) I wouldn't be a human if I wasn't. I claim Romans 8:28 for Cindy and her family. And all of us. God has a plan and wants to bless us with a wonderful future. We just have to be obedient. Anyway, my point is I didn't paint Cindy in a realistic light and left things out, and my time spent with her was good because I could finally apologize in person. She is by far and above the best person I have ever known. She just wants to do the right thing. The world would be a better place with more Cindys. I could use one in my life. Know one I could have?
When I was driving to McCook, I saw a billboard that made me think of something, and then I started to cry as I felt God speaking. I felt so blessed and then thanked God for all His blessings. Here I was, feeling sorry for myself and looking for answers, and God gave me a moment where it felt I was enveloped in sunshine. It was an amazing moment, and that is how I'd like to remember this trip and not the things that terrified me. But, boy, did I get my answer.
I made mistakes in the past. We all do. Sometimes it feels like God is punishing me forever, but I don't think God does that. Just as when we punish our children, we don't do it for the rest of their lives. We do it for a moment and then it's over. And then we hold them close and love them (if they let us; my son runs away). And, once God corrects us, He holds us close like that and blesses us again. And there is nothing that God cannot correct or change or put back better than new. We think we broke the world, but we didn't. We just have to let God fix it. And He will. If we let Him.
Sorry this is such a long post. To sum up, God answered my prayers about what happened in McCook when I lived here. There was never anything for me here, and it was an extremely lonely, barren place to live. I did my best, though, and left when I felt I had to. I didn't look back until many years later, only to find the same reasons why I left. For a long time, I thought if I had only done something different, everything would have been better. Now, I see that was an unreality. I did the best I could, made the best decisions I could, and bear no responsibility for others' mistakes. Sometimes we don't get what we want in life, but maybe God has something much better for us. We just have to stay close to Him and find out what that is.
This doesn't really belong in this post, but I have one last note. The Bible makes it clear in spots that not only do believers belong to God, but God belongs to us (believers). Think on that if your heart is ever heavy. God belongs to us! What an amazing thing. He is our portion, and we belong to Him. The world has its rewards. But God is our reward. When I think of all the mistakes I made in my life and when I think of how the wicked prosper so mightily, it helps to know I have something much bigger and better than if I had done everything right or if no unfairness existed in the world. God belongs to me. My life seems to only get worse, and in numerous ways, but every day that passes, I am one day closer to meeting my God face to face. Amen.
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