my careless contagion

You're right.  We've been here before.  A roadtrip to McCook, Nebraska, pivotal scene of much that went wrong for me. There was a fork in the road, and I took the wrong turn, then proceeded to make more wrong turns. There was a lot that went on here that was good, too. ( Something about living in Nebraska are the sunsets/sunrises. They are among the best.) I grew a lot. Saw what I could do and what I was bad at.  I did the best I could with what I had at the time. What I would have done differently is stayed closer to God, which would have changed some decisions. What was striking about the scene was how closely it echoes life today. Same themes. Feels like I'm taking the test over.  What I remember was the loneliness/aloneness and how I tried to cope. What worked then still works now. What didn't work then still doesn't. I don't think I am meant to live alone, which is how I still feel, even though I am a "loner" by nature. Attempts to thwart loneline...

I visited McCook, Neb., again Feb. 5 and 6 (no, I didn't take these photos). This post contains thoughts about my time living and going to school here more than two decades ago, probably reconstituted from previous visits, but I felt something was left buried here, like the reason why my life went a completely different direction from what was anticipated. Also, I really wanted a bath so got a hotel room with a bathtub. I needed some time away and knew if I stayed close to home, I would end up at work (and the point was to get away). Anyway, what happened? Well, for one thing, I saw Cindy for a bit. More later. Also, this is a long post. Sorry.  Why McCook again? Am I obsessed? Vaguely. I actually dream about this place: the streets, houses, smells, feelings, and what I did. We often dream about unresolved things. Maybe it is about my education. Maybe about a girl. Maybe about youth wasted. Maybe all of it. Driving the streets and highways I used to drive brought back one overridin...

Twenty-six years ago, Bad Religion (BR) released Stranger Than Fiction , their seventh studio album. They now have 16 or so, not counting any greatest-hits or live albums (and I haven't even bothered to listen to the last one). The video for this song is here if anyone is interested. It's odd, even by BR standards (silly is the word, perhaps). I didn't post it because it might frighten small children. I'm kidding, of course. But, hey, if you think punk rock is scary, think of it this way. Slow it down, and it's essentially folk music. If it's still scary, then just think of it as fast polka music. I'm German, so I like polka (Mollie B., anyone?). I also like sausage of all kinds. Don't all Germans like sausage and polka? At the same time? Oh, and the song has a Hammond organ in it. What? A punk rock song with an organ? Anyway, why am I writing about this album and the song of the same name? Give me a moment.  This is a long post, by the way. You m...

Some of McCook's bricked streets. A lot of Nebraska towns have these. I took all the pictures for this post. McCook, Nebraska, was where I attended college (the first time) for two semesters in 1996-97. It has a little community college which my high school guidance counselor suggested I apply for an academic full-ride scholarship to attend. The classes were cheap as hell, so I could have attended anyway, but it was nice to have everything paid. McCook Community College is part of the Midplains Community College system. At least, it was back then. This town was the first stop on my retrospective. A lot happened in the short time I lived in this town. After two semesters, I saw my bravado reduced by a personal crisis to a complete lack of self-esteem. When my parents announced they were moving to another state, I decided to hitch a ride with them out of Nebraska as opposed to trying to figure out what the hell I was going through. This was a crucial decision, a decision in ...