Notes on an old haunt
You're right. We've been here before. A roadtrip to McCook, Nebraska, pivotal scene of much that went wrong for me. There was a fork in the road, and I took the wrong turn, then proceeded to make more wrong turns. There was a lot that went on here that was good, too. (Something about living in Nebraska are the sunsets/sunrises. They are among the best.) I grew a lot. Saw what I could do and what I was bad at. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. What I would have done differently is stayed closer to God, which would have changed some decisions. What was striking about the scene was how closely it echoes life today. Same themes. Feels like I'm taking the test over.
What I remember was the loneliness/aloneness and how I tried to cope. What worked then still works now. What didn't work then still doesn't. I don't think I am meant to live alone, which is how I still feel, even though I am a "loner" by nature. Attempts to thwart loneliness were insignificant. Free time now is spent in prayer and fasting and reading the Bible, listening to sermons, etc., all of which bring me closer to the Lord. Sometimes I watch movies, but I can't stomach a lot of them. Anyway, I'm praying to pass the test this time. Something you learn about when you spend a lot of time alone is yourself. You get to know yourself on a different level and gain a level of comfort with yourself that is foreign to a lot of people. You can't help but know yourself well since you have no one else to observe. You say I shouldn't feel lonely when I have the Lord? Good point. Also, I have a lot of coping strategies and things to do when I am alone (such as what I'm doing now, writing here), but I can't help but feel alone when I am alone. And loneliness is something one can feel anywhere, even in a crowd. The Holy Spirit is with me always, and I believe a guardian angel, as well. But, Jesus Christ was lonely on the cross, and sometimes as His followers, we have to face loneliness. What separated Him from His Father was our sin, and the same holds true for us. The less sin the less lonely? Maybe this is a period when God is working on me, paving the way for what comes next. Maybe He's testing me with small things before something bigger comes along. He can't give us blessings unless we prove we can handle them. My job is to rest and recuperate and stay close to Him. I came a long way. I feel God is telling me I didn't know I'd be at this point a year ago, so I shouldn't try to guess my future, either. I should leave it up to Him and be obedient in the small things He's given me. Anyway.
I thought the fall colors would be more pronounced (it was mid-October), but it still felt like fall. McCook has a higher elevation but a lower latitude, so it must have offset somehow. Why did I take a trip to McCook again? I wanted to visit in the fall. I needed a day off and hadn't left town in months, my ex was in Ohio (her mom has dementia and was put in a nursing home situation), and my son had the day off school. So, off we went. I made a point to visit the bakery where I used to go and buy all the turnovers and piss off the girl behind the counter. Hey, they're delicious. There were no turnovers on the day I visited (probably some selfish kid bought them all — ha!), but there were cinnamon rolls. We enjoyed them in the first park of three we went to.
The last time I made this trip it was winter. I was alone and probably listened to the radio or something. This time I went with my son and I listened to ABBA's greatest hits, as well as John Denver's. It was a greatest-hits day. I stopped by my old apartment, went down the stairs and the smell of it hit me. That's what you don't get from photos. So many memories are lodged in our senses. Not a bad smell, just very distinct, and took me back in an instant. Yes, that's my old apartment door. Someone gussied it up.
What else got stirred up? The same feelings for a girl. Same longings. I felt robbed when she left my life and my future, which I was trying to sketch out, went blank. I should have prayed and waited to see what God would have me do instead of coming up with my own solution. The man Cindy went forward with had it all and seemed more forthright. I was still figuring out how to talk to, much less properly date, the girl of my dreams. I would have gotten there. I wasn't thinking about how to get her in the sack or anything; I wanted to make sure she was in my future but was horribly inept. I wanted her to be the one to bring our children into the world, so I must have thought we'd eventually make love, but I couldn't imagine what that would be like (still can't). I couldn't even imagine undressing her. Things that make your head explode. For sure, I would have been gentle. And we wouldn't both be scared of the concept of sex now because we would have had great partners to learn and grow with and gain trust in instead of seeing sex as a tool of betrayal and control. We would have treated it as the gift God intended it to be. We're talking about the girl of my dreams and, at that point, I was still struggling with getting up the nerve to talk to her. My plan was to move to her town after I finished at the community college I was attending and finish my degree and pursue her. I was just a kid making big plans in his head. That didn't happen. I wasn't quick enough and made bad decisions, which I regret. She eventually married the other guy. She got hurt by him terribly. She was like a lamb to the slaughter. Beauty and the beast. Abigail and Nabal. I can't even imagine how a woman with such a beautiful heart weathered that. If she could make that marriage work, she could make a relationship work with literally any man. She was the perfect wife. That woman exemplifies loyalty. She is the one you want your team. I would have been tremendously blessed to have kept her in my life. She had a wonderful life, in spite of everything. Mine took a turn for the worse.
Goofy old man and a goofy kid. It was 25 years ago when I lived here. I feel old. I'm more inclined to accept myself and my mistakes. I was a kid making big decisions. They couldn't all be right. What I should have done is consult God more before I made those big decisions. It would have spared me heartache. That lesson is something I apply to everyday life now, even small decisions. I had to let go of self-hate and self-rejection. God doesn't see me as I see myself. He loves me. I do need to see myself as God sees me, as that is how I truly am. I'm just a human being. I'm not perfect. He knew all my mistakes (and all my sin) beforehand and still loved me. No one knows how amazing that last sentence is to me, how much it means. What a beautiful thing.
My son holds a "fish" he caught. This was the third park we visited and right before we left for home. One way that helps explain what happened between me and Cindy is perception. As in, we had a different perception of what happened. For the record, I admit I wasn't forthright or up front enough with her about where I saw us going. I made a series of mistakes and was careless with her which cost me having her in my life. Forgiving myself for that was hard but necessary. I've come to see she was right about much we initially disagreed upon. Admitting that takes some courage, as no one wants to be wrong. I admit I was wrong.
Perception is a tricky thing. One person sees one thing clearly and another person sees something else clearly. Here's an example. I see colors differently than most. Someone said the place I live has a red roof, but I disagree. At best, it is a rusty brown, and in the right light it may have orange or copper in it. When I hear red I think Santa Claus. This is not red. When I saw Cindy's car the first time years ago I thought it was a dark blue. It's black. (I was incredibly impressed by how easily she parked such a big vehicle in her garage, which isn't as wide as newer garages. Cars are bigger now. I am terrible at parking my small car, no matter the space.) But explain that to my brain that saw blue the first time, probably because it was in bright sunlight and at the right angle and I picked up on blue in the highlights. All car colors are a mix. A rich black will have a lot of blue in it. Look at old Archie comics and check out Veronica's hair. It looks very blue. A good black will have a lot of blue. One of my best friends when I was growing up had red hair. During the winter months, though, it became very dark. He was the ginger-est of gingers, but I saw dark brown. I see what's there; not what my brain wants me to see. My perception of color is bothersome at times. My car is Barcelona Red, but depending on the sunlight and angle, it looks bronze-ish. The highlights are disappointing: washed out, muted, or pinkish. Needless to say, I didn't see the physical car when I bought it. (Probably going to go with an Acura or Lexus next time, God willing, though it's not a consideration at the moment. I barely drive what I have, but it would be nice to have something more comfortable and larger.) Do I think too much about color? Ya think? Maybe I need to get my eyes checked. But I have more to say. Car manufacturers like to put flecks of stuff like pearl in paint to make a shimmery effect and catch the light, which annoys me. Like it's too much stimulation. My point is some things in life are highly subjective, and relationships can be like that. This blog, too, was my perception of reality. Did it align with what others thought? No, not always. This space became a quest to solve a riddle only God can solve. What is clear is I screwed up many times with Cindy and lost out on someone amazing. I tried to see that from different angles, but that is my final summation. I was to blame. I tried valiantly to bring her back into my life, not because of a sense of guilt for what happened but because I genuinely want her in my life and believe we are good for one another. She is a woman of high value. I wasn't able to handle that sort of thing in the past, but perhaps the future holds something for us.
An upcoming post explains how I remember Cindy. (Will probably publish it on a day that is special for me.) I don't know how right I was about anything. She may disagree about some of it. Again, perception. I see her how I see her. If I am wrong, it's because she outstrips my ability to understand and appraise such an amazing woman. And, we all grow and change, so she's probably better than I remember. I also saw her at her worst. And still loved her. My prayers for her became generalized, as I don't know exactly what to pray about. My post about her mentions some of those.
I'm a tactile person and like to touch everything. When I meet someone for the first time, I resist the urge to touch them, feel their clothes, whatever. I also feel love through physical touch. That's what I lacked when I lived by myself the first time and still what I lack. A hug once in a while would be nice. That lack of love (felt primarily through touch) resulted in a downturn of my health. I think the slide was halted a bit by renouncing thoughts and agreements made with the enemy, but my health is still poor. It has something to do with my lungs and/or heart. Sometimes I wake in the night with asthma attacks, which is new. I know, God loves me, but I can't feel His arms around me. There is something about physical love that changes our brain chemistry and makes us healthier. I was thinking about how much of my life I had to do everything for myself. It made me strong in many ways, but it also made me reliant on self instead of God, which is what I'm unlearning now. God loves me and I need to rely on that, regardless of what I want or think I need.
I visited the track where I spent time burning off steam. This remained a theme. I see a cinder-looking track in my new town (I've been here a year now, so maybe I shouldn't refer to it that way anymore.) I'd like to try. I tried three others in town and liked all of them, but there isn't much to protect one from the wind. Probably look like a seagull fighting the wind and squawking loudly. Yes, I squawk. Don't you?
We ate our lunch in the NASA rocket, even though it teeters a little too much. This was the playground he liked the most. And it was such a nice day. Maybe I just felt happy to be out of town for once. It was a pleasant trip down some two-lane roads and old streets that still seem familiar. Pretty amazing, the capacity of the human mind to recall minute details. It's all in there somewhere.
I don't know if I will ever go back. There is no reason to do so, but that hasn't stopped me in the past. Most people wouldn't see a reason to do things the way I do. I get it. I'm not the most conventional human being. Just trying to get to a better place. However long it takes and whatever I have to do to get there are things that don't matter. The only thing that matters is God directs my steps. My job is to stay close to Him and enjoy the ride. Thanks for tuning in, guys. If anyone still reads here, thanks.
And the end. Back home. What does the future hold? Hopefully, enjoying life. Watching my kid grow up. It's not up to me. I gave the remaining days to God, which frees me from the consequences of decisions He makes. His decisions. His consequences. Maybe you see me as a failure, but God sees something He can work with. My hopes and dreams were handed over. The desires of my heart belong to Him. My thoughts and feelings. My past and all mistakes. When my son is facing something harrowing in his mind, one thing I do for him is to give him a mental roadmap for how things will play out. It seems to help. God gave me a roadmap for my future, too. A final note about the girl. I fell in love with her for so many reasons, but one was her virtue. I love her inner world. It's fascinating, and I could get lost in it. I thank God when I think of her. She showed me there is much more to learn and more ways to grow than I could have imagined. She's one of the finest human beings I know. I don't know what, if anything, she thought of me, but I always thought the world of her. We'll save the rest for another day.
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I don't know who cares, but this space surpassed 18,000 views recently. Also, I will have a new love in my life soon, as I get to bring home my recliner at the end of the week. At least one of those was a meaningful update. What is really meaningful is my son led one of his friends to the Lord recently, which never ceases to amaze me. He has a heart for the lost.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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