Notes on chasing a girl
What I need to talk about first is the art of chasing a female, which I'm admittedly not good at. Even if I was, I don't think it would have mattered. I honestly thought she wanted to move forward with me for a minute. Not sure what happened. Or if I imagined it. She didn't remember my birthday this year, so it appears she's already forgotten me. Probably not a hard thing to do.
The Bible says a lot about relationships, but what it doesn't say is even more interesting. A lot is left up to us. That's why I think relationships don't matter that much in the grand scheme of things. God isn't setting people up to be with one another. (Or is he? I mean, if the devil puts so much effort into destroying relationships, it makes sense God is doing things to secure relationships. God chose Eve for Adam and Rachel for Jacob. Hmm.) It's all within the human realm of choice. If someone chooses you and you choose them, too, then go right ahead and have a happy life together. It's that simple. The fact is you have to choose one another. If the other person has doubts, don't force it. It's a very delicate but sure thing when it comes down to it. Either they choose your back or they don't. Black or white. On or off. The switch goes one way or the other. That decision can only come from that place inside them. As someone wise once said, "When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues." What activates love in a woman's heart? Only God knows.
The Bible talks about love between a man and a woman. You can read Song of Solomon that way. It's actually about the church and Jesus Christ, but you can read it as a simple treatise on human love, too. The Bible says not to be unequally yoked. And if a man doesn't love his wife properly, it will hinder his prayers. Also, he is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. It says two cannot walk together unless they be agreed. Paul said a husband and wife are equal before God and co-heirs with Christ. The Bible also says every good and perfect gift comes from the Father and he who desires a wife desires a good thing, so does that mean a godly wife is a gift from God? I believed that never experienced it. It is not good for a man to be alone. (And I always felt I would be a more effective Christian as a pair, as I would have help. And would probably be healthier.) And it says a woman needs to have a head. That doesn't mean she should be married. A head could be a pastor or a relative or something like that, but I think it's best when the head is her husband, as he has her best interests at heart. There are provisions for remarriage if a Christian finds themselves alone, but many are legalistic about it, while others don't care a whit what the Bible says. I made my petition to God about what I want. He knows what is in my heart.
Permit me an explanation about the girl. But, first, I must frame what it means to chase. I'm a poor chaser of women, I admit, but I tried. I did so happily. No one forced me. I wanted to. Cindy left my life early this year. It was March or April. Doesn't matter. I respected her decision but struggled with accepting it. She made it clear we could not communicate and I was not to wait for her. I had to back off or risk becoming the bad guy. Or, more of the bad guy. Looking back over the last 5-plus years, I'm amazing by her sweet spirit in dealing with a man who was frantically chasing her. I honestly don't know what she thought of all that. It seemed she wasn't enjoying it but also didn't want to hurt my feelings. There were times she pushed back and it was pretty harsh, but it didn't dissuade me. (Some of it was wow, just wow. Here was a woman who clearly had to get rid of a lot of unwanted attention from guys in her life.) I got the message but didn't give up. I wrote a lot about her here, as it was the only outlet for my feelings. (When I saw her in person I always hid my feelings.) You could say I was obsessed with her. Deranged. A stalker. The creep in You, perhaps. I disagree with all of that. I was aware she wasn't reciprocating yet felt the need to try until I didn't have more chances. I apologize to her if I made that process hard on her, but I had to follow through. I would still chase her if I could do so without disrespecting her wishes. After the last rebuff, it was clear my feelings for her were still very deep. It was unexpected, and I took it very hard. I did not consent or agree with it, but I gave her what she wanted. Not that I could have done anything. Had I persisted, things could have gotten quite ugly, and I respect and love her far too much to add ugliness to her life. I had to free her from that possibility. My relentless chasing created an oppressive heaviness between us, of which I repented. She deserves the best. Sunshine and flowers.
She is a high-value woman. (See my future post about that.) Do such women chase men? I don't think she ever chased a man. But, that's subjective. Chasing for a woman looks different from when a man does it. A woman should at least let a man know she's interested in him, be receptive, and responsive. If a man is quite dull, she may have to be more forthright. The man does the majority of the "chasing." If a high-value woman meets a high-value man, and he isn't catching on that she is interested, I think she should let him know. I would appreciate knowing a woman was interested in me (but didn't force it) because I'm rather dull. I've been pursued by women. Forcing it sucks for everyone. I was on both ends. (For the record, I would definitely keep chasing Cindy if I could, as that is what is in my heart. Out of respect for her wishes, I stopped. That's the ONLY reason I stopped. A man doesn't stop chasing the girl he loves unless he has to. She knows I have feelings for her. She knows I want her in my life.) Onward.
I took an autism test (RAADS-R) a while ago and scored high enough to be considered worthy of further testing. I'm likely not on the spectrum, but who knows? What generated the score was my social interactions. I'm an introvert, and a very sensitive one. Imagine a guy like me chasing a girl for years and being rebuffed hundreds of times (and five major failed attempts since our college years) yet continuing to chase her. Listen. This is important. I don't care if you miss everything else I say. I'm not complaining. Just explaining. I had a chance. I took it. It took a lot to persist through so much resistance over such a long period of time. That speaks more of her high value than of anything in me because I don't like putting myself out there only to be pushed away. I saw what I wanted and went for it. Sometimes what we choose doesn't choose us back. There is a fine line and a fine dance and a fine art ... you get the idea ... to chasing a woman. I was more like a caveman. You ... woman ... come home ... me. Grunts. Make fire. My attempt at civility: Love ... your ... freckle.
The Me Too and Time's Up campaigns did a lot to kill men chasing women. I won't even look at a lot of women anymore, but for different reasons. I don't want any woman to feel uncomfortable around me. I'll cross the street to make her feel safe. The woman I chased the most and the longest didn't end up in my life. It was a learning experience. When I am passionate about something, I'll go to the ends of the earth to achieve it.
I was disrespectful in how I chased her. I was in love. That is my excuse. I apologized to her because I made it hard on her. No one wants to be put in a position to reject another person so often. It wasn't good for her. I never asked her to marry me; I just wanted her in my life. I'm in that phase where I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong. Pardon me while I wade through this a bit. I guess when it's right, it's just natural. But, the counterpoint is a lot of things that are worthwhile aren't easy. She was definitely worthwhile. My campaign to win her heart showed how much I thought that. She probably didn't see all I offered her, but that wasn't the point. She saw enough. I don't think it would have mattered if she had seen it all. (Maybe she merely saw what God showed her and I was a monster. I mean, who knows?) Only God knows anything about questions that swirl in my heart. I pick them up each morning and carry them with me. And, at the end of each day, I hand them over to Him again. One of these days I'll forget to pick them up in the morning.
I chased her all wrong. I just wanted her. Still do. I'm weird and she knows that. (I even see colors differently than most people. Almost got in an argument over the color of the roof where I live.) She's incredibly normal and perfect and I'm just a little unorthodox and disheveled sometimes. At least she knew I loved her and wanted her in my life. But, I think that fact scared her and she ended up going out of her way to avoid me except to tell me it wasn't likely to happen. And then had to watch me fall apart. What a horrible thing for her to behold. What a dolt I was. If I had more apologies left, I would use them. That perfect, beautiful girl deserves better. Sunshine and flowers.
So, pick yourself up and try again with a woman who is willing to move forward. That's the solution, right? That's problematic for a number of reasons but the main one is I'm in love with a girl who isn't one of them. Until that is resolved, how can I, with a clear conscience, even approach a woman? You say it's easy to get over a girl when you're with a different girl. I thought that too, but my conscience simply won't let me. It wouldn't be right to do that to another woman, even if she didn't know the situation. And imagine the internal distress when I'm trying to be with a woman when I'm in love with another. That doesn't work for me. So, you see, I can't move forward with anyone now. I'm in a holding pattern and seeking God about what to do next. That's my go-to explanation for everything.
Nobody will probably read this, and I don't blame them. We've gone over this ground before. Pardon poor Joshua as he struggles through it again. Really, I'm just trying to explain something but have to set the stage a bit. I have a couple of posts planned and am working on one explaining why I chased Cindy so long. That one will take a while, even though I feel it is finished. Everyone knows I was in love with her, but that's not a good enough explanation. I chased her in spite of how she felt about me, which requires a more in-depth explanation, really more of an apology in long form. I can't just say I'm sorry. I have to show you the person I was after. For her, I would have broken all the rules of chasing a woman. They say all is fair in love and war. Unfortunately, I made one out the other. I just wanted to love her and will have to find a way to do so respectfully from a distance. My heart doesn't understand the word no. It will find a way. My head needs to point it in a less obtrusive direction. Like this blog. I feel free to love her here. No one has to know.
***
I've tried to respect her wishes and disappear from her life as much as possible. You have no idea how hard that is. As of this writing, I had to be in her backyard today for my job. The girl I just wrote about. Literally in her backyard, the last place she wants me. And one small white dog barking at me while a larger dog barks at me and the guy behind house her decides to grumpily mow his lawn (I'd be upset with that much wallpaper in my house, too, bud.) while his dog is barking and trying to bite my face, and I need to use my hearing to do my job correctly. And the ticket I was working on was wrong; the wrong area was highlighted, so I'm sure I'll have to do it again. All the while my conscience is telling me to hurry up and get out of there and my heart is pounding and I'm barely thinking straight because I inadvertently crossed a boundary. I mean, I won't even drive by her house unless I have to for my job. I respect the fact she can't have me in her life right now and I'm trying so hard to give that to her ... and here I am in her backyard. It felt so wrong. The dichotomy of not being welcome in her life and being on her property was extremely distressing and I felt I wronged her again. My excuse is I had to be there for my job, as I was the only one in town doing tickets. Looking for a different job anyway. What a weird life I've had.
I came here to solve a riddle. The riddle is more complex than anyone knew. But, my problems don't even rate when compared to other people's lives, and this is just a small flash in the pan in the eternal scheme of things. My last post was written before the post before that but I needed time to work through what I realized when I wrote it. No, it's not the last post on this blog, but it was the end of the journey I found myself contemplating on the eve of divorce many years ago. The growth I saw over that time blew my mind. No one knows how low I was and for me to have a new life somewhere else where I can begin again is nothing short of a miracle. I read a book about divorce as I was going through it and recall someone taking seven years to get to the other side of divorce. I vowed that wouldn't be me. It still took me a long time. My life isn't perfect, but it's so far removed from where I was. That post was the one I'm proudest of, as it was a milestone I was sure I'd never see. What a blessing. I give God the glory.
I always seem to come back and lovingly edit these after I write them. Sometimes a week or two after the fact. I don't know why. I guess I like to visit them after they leave home.
Whatever the future holds, at least I know what NOT to do. Amen?
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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