my careless contagion

Slipping in and out of sleep, I dreamed you were here, your body against mine. Through closed eyes, we felt one another across a great distance. You teased me repeatedly, making me want you, then retreated, asking me what's wrong. There's nothing wrong with wanting. What's wrong is the not having, not being sure, grasping for the golden ring, like falling in love with a movie star from long ago.  My eyes opened, and you weren't there. But I was sure you were momentarily, visiting repeatedly. We connected across time and space, like a portal yawned open for a moment. Our souls touched. Our hearts met. Then you were gone again.  Are you a wild animal which refuses to be kept, more at home in the forest than with man? A cat, a fox, a wolf. All have been tamed to a degree, but all retain a wild heart. The fox in The Little Prince said we are forever responsible for what we have tamed. But you there is no taming. You come and go as you please — like the wind, the waves, a fi...

The storm blew up while we were a mile from home. As luck would have it, neither of us checked the forecast. The rain never lasts long, but today it did, driving everyone inside. We were alone on the sidewalk, running now. We laughed because it happened so fast. We were soaked within seconds. Glad  I didn't bring my phone. Our happy, little walk turned into a fiasco, but we didn't seem to mind.  When my key hit the lock, I exhaled a sigh of relief. We stripped to our underwear there in the hallway, and you took a shower first. I wondered what was taking so long, but soon you were out and laying on the bed, a towel wrapped around your hair and a soft robe around your still shivering body. I showered quickly and joined you, throwing a fuzzy blanket over us. We laughed at the stupidity of running in the rain when we were already wet, then taking showers after, as if that fixed anything. We were still chilled, and you took off your robe and pressed yourself against me — not as an ...

When you told me you kept a seashell your grandmother gave you, you allowed me to see something. Our conversations fill me with wonder, as they are small revealings, tempting prompts that lead to something more, yet are endlessly satisfying on their own.  You are a mystery, an enigma, like a seashell without a story. Had you not told me the story, I never would have known where it came from, what it meant, how it made you feel. It is a small treasure, yet it travelled an unknown number of miles.  So it is with the heart that carried it. Without revealing yourself, little by little, line by line, I never would have stopped to ponder, probe, to discover more. You stopped me in my tracks, not overtly, but tenderly. Simply by being yourself. Other men may not notice what a man of patience and maturity sees. You are not ordinary. You are captivating, in a deep and wonderful way.  This isn't about a shell. This is about your heart. Like that shell, you don't have to shout to ge...

Your smile, the first thing I see when I open my eyes, invites me into a new day. Your lips, full and beautiful, part for a moment, purse again, kissing me on the nose. A new day for you and me begins with a smile and an ache. My time with you seems so short. The ache tells me our day will be spent apart.  I close my eyes again, my hand making its circuit up and down your thigh. Your breath catches momentarily, then releases as my hand pauses. I pull your body next to me. Our eyes closed, we both know this isn't about fulfilling a carnal desire. This is two spirits, two souls touching with bodies of flesh.  Some souls touch more than hands ever could.  We felt one another from a distance for so long. Now that we are close, it's stronger, though it has the same unique mix of excitement and peace. It's not confusing. It's precious and still feels brand new, though we keep coming back to it. I am jealous of my time with you, guarding it, but realizing I don't own you. ...

Beguiled by the distant glow in the sky, I stepped into your warm waters. You beckoned me, and I felt compelled. Emboldened by your gentle waves, I forgot all else. I felt you envelop me with your love. Swimming away from the solidity of the shore, I embraced the waves. They pulled me out further.  Caught in your undertow, I panicked  at first, then became one with your sea.  Closing my eyes and feeling you surround me is calming, as I feel your gentle eyes on me, your arms wrap around, your kisses sweet on my neck. Pulled out deeper, the waves become calmer. I rise and fall with them, like I belong here. Shore birds and pelicans glide above on the breeze. I am alone, but I feel you with me.  I imagine you so often, it's like you're here with me sometimes. The thing I want the most is laying next to you, holding you, feeling your ribs rise and fall with your breath. The quiet, the peace, the unraveling. And I long to feel your gentle lips on mine, your hands soft and...

When all is said and done, these pages are a microcosm. So much love. So many questions. So many lines intersecting, reaching out, connecting, diverging, close but never leading anywhere. How many millions of love letters has mankind written? How many lines went unsaid, never acted upon? I wrote my lines. I'm content knowing I tried, loved, waited, did everything I was supposed to do. What they did with my love was never in my hands. I faithfully loved until doors closed forever. Love is beautiful, but it must be chosen, accepted, brought in from the rain. Mine was discarded like an ill-timed valentine, ink bleeding in the rain, tossed about by the wind, wet and matted in a gutter.  Here, loved turned to hate. Hate turned to tears. Tears turned to forgiveness. Forgiveness turned to prayer. Prayer ended in upturned hands to a knowing God and a brokenness that cannot be healed. All the things that were once in my hands are gone. I am left with questions that stretch to the horizon....

The day was hot, hotter than usual. My mind was running so fast for so long, time got away from me. I found myself driving away from everything and straight to your beckoning shores. Lucky to find a space, I parked, pausing to catch my breath, my heart beating fast with anticipation. Quickly, I walked to the sandy shore. Some were sunbathing. Kids laughed in the water. A mother closely watched her toddler in the shallow water. Finding a bare spot on the sand, I emptied my pockets, wrapped everything in my shirt, laying it by my shoes.  I desperately want to see you, feel you, jump into you like the waters spreading before me. Without thinking, I ran into the surf, a childlike smile spreading across my face, until my knees couldn't clear the surface. Diving in, I felt the full embrace of your waters, tasted the salinity of your warm waves, and darted back to the surface where I opened my eyes wide at the big, blue sky. I was in you, and all the way.  Sometimes I ache for you, w...

You, me, and the sea. I feel you there at the shore, like you are waves lapping at the sand, sometimes quietly, other times more insistent. There is a power in you, drawing me back, making me stay, causing me to sit and stare out over you. Imagining you. Conjuring you. Your colors are emeralds and blues of various hues, and a depth that recedes into the darkest water. I like to meet you in the newness of morning. When I walk up to your edge, your warm waters welcome, then dare me to step in further. I comply until I am in over my head and you are salty on my lips, dripping off my eyelashes and running down my face. Submerged in you, I smile at the sky.  I met you in the year that was my worst, yet you made it worthwhile. There was a golden quality to you, like the sparkle in a child's eyes undimmed by the world. It was like looking at the sun. I had to close my eyes. Life intrudes, but I was drawn back to your shore. The air is different with you. The sky is bigger. The light brigh...

In all my years and in all my thinking about the woman I would someday meet, I never knew she would be as amazing as you. Had I known, I would have abandoned fantasies and dead ends, sought you in every street and every avenue. Had I known you’d have such captivating green eyes, I would have shunned the gaze of so many women. Had I known you’d come to me, I would have waited patiently.  I never knew you’d come from so far away, that you’d have so much love and passion to give. I never knew your kisses would be so tender, your mind so dirty, your body so fit, your mind even fitter.  I never knew you’d be a petite brunette minx who would make me laugh more than anyone else, who would always turn a bad day around. I never knew how quickly you would capture my restless heart and flood my soul with hope. I didn’t know you would appear during the worst year of my life, shining light in my darkest hour.  I never knew I’d fall in love so fast and so hard, when I thought falling i...

I have a fantasy. I’ve never done it with any woman. I know we talked about it once. I lost my nerve. Maybe because it seems so impossible.  It seems like such a simple request. It’s not kinky. It’s not even sexual. But, it has to do with everything. And with absolutely nothing. Does that make sense?  I want it to be you. I want you to be the one. Will you fulfill my wonton fantasy, my virulent desire? I longed for this. For years. Never has it seemed possible. Even now, I wonder.  No, perhaps you will laugh. Or, perhaps you won’t. My heart hangs in the balance. I decide that, even if you do laugh, you may understand enough to say yes. How can I ask? How can I explain? Maybe I will just try and see if you go along, ask as if it was a normal request. Or not say anything at all. Just do it and expect you to comply. But what if you say no?  If it was something kinky, you would say yes. If it was something that pushed the envelope, you wouldn’t bat an eye. Why am ...

I would be remiss to leave this space without posting something from Samiam (it's been a while, but I did post something before). I had to do a bit of a thinky-think session as to what to post, though. She Found You (1997) won, though many others deserve honorable mention. Simply wanted to post a good song from a band that captured my attention for many years. This was one of the first songs I heard and it's still a favorite. I even drove from Ohio to Pittsburg (staying in New Jersey, eww) to see them play a festival, and then turned around and caught them in Detroit about a week later. They continue to record music and tour. Anyway.  Other songs contending for the prize were Mud Hill (a proper breakup song), Dull (about how dull life can be when you're alone), and Sunshine (how I imagine being a girl and the object of someone's affection feels like). None of them made as much sense as She Found You, as it is clear I was greatly affected by relationships with women in...

The Smiths' How Soon Is Now? is iconic. Check out the lyrics . Certainly not a run-of-the-mill 80s song. It came out in '84 but didn't pick up steam until later. Do the lyrics make more sense when you know Morrissey (the singer/coauthor of this song) is vegetarian (since age 11) turned vegan? No wonder so much of his music is sad and "beta," as the kids would say. (Eating meat helps men produce testosterone.) Maybe that's why I want to talk about this song. It's about longing. It's about love. It's about longing for love. Saw a license plate recently that simply said, "SIMP," which I understand.  I realized perhaps too late in life the driving force of my being was the search for love. Just wanted to be loved. Looked everywhere for it. That search was behind all major failures and was the wound that drove the most virulent sins. Little did I know there is no human love that can satisfy, and only God can love me fully and in a way that hea...

I got in the wayback machine and ended up in 1997 listening to Sixpence None the Richer's Kiss Me. It's a good jam, so I decided to stay a while and explore the concept of the song. It was made popular by the movie She's All That, which was a sort of teen romcom, of which there were about 8 million during the 90s (my favorite of which was probably Can't Hardly Wait, which I wrote about previously).  I know we all probably forgot about such things, but back in the 90s it was okay to kiss a girl. (I cross the street when I see a woman approaching now.) And you knew she was a girl, too. This means, well, let's not get into it. Things are more complicated now. Songs like this are what life is about. These are the moments we live for. The few sparkling moments we trudge through endless years of mundane and downright ugly to experience. Kissing the girl. Dancing with her in the moonlight. Just existing with her in a special moment. Breathing in her essence. I realize I ha...

Thank you, Lord, for these moments with her. Holding her hand in the theater and fighting back tears of happiness because this is what I always wanted. Here she was, and sitting next to me as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Thank you for letting me see her heart and to understand, at least in part, such a beautiful soul — a special soul that knows no equal. I get to hear what's in her heart, her mind, and to see your imprint on her. It's all over her, in, and through her.  Thank you for letting me be something in her life. Just to be here is a miracle for which I am beyond grateful. She makes me incredibly happy, and I can't help but see her as a gift. I get to enjoy her, feel her warmth radiating next to me, revel in the scent of her skin, and bask in her laughter. And what beautiful laughter! I'm in love with the sound of her voice. I don't think there's a single thing about her I haven't fallen in love with. The sum total of her is probably more...