Reservoir hill
Did I chase her wrong? Nothing is wrong with chasing a woman. Infringing upon her space and disrespecting her is wrong. If she doesn't want you chasing her, she'll let you know. Losing Cindy, and every time it happened this is how I felt, was like losing the person closest to me. Think of whoever that is for you and what it would be like if they were no longer there. Maybe it's your mom or your dad, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or your kid. How would you feel? My feelings for her aren't out of bounds. They are in line with how I see her. She feels like a precious gift, and to have that taken away is extremely disappointing. The closest I can come to explaining that kind of grief is to say look up complicated grief. My reactions were poor, though. I sincerely apologize for the abominable trail I left in my wake. I'm not perfect. Far from it. But I do have pure feelings for her. If I ever tried to manipulate or control her in some way, I apologize for that, as well. I never ever ever intended to do that but may have by mistake. None of my decisions were meant to push or pull her into a situation which she was uncomfortable being in. I had the purest intentions. I stand by that statement.
Some things I wrote, thought, and felt recently were called out by God. He said I was looking at situations with eyes of flesh, and my assessments were faulty. I'm moving very quickly through what feels like a battery of tests, and some I'll have to do over. Needless to say, growth and chastisement can be painful. I am in a place of rest, but I'm also restless to move forward with God. Today was a breakthrough day. I feel free in many ways. I had to cry a little and renounce some things and generally repent of a sour attitude. I'm a child of God and carrying on like I have been has been a shameful spectacle. Luckily for me, God gives many chances to move through a test. Going on each day with a general feeling of being unwell and also being alone much of my day hasn't helped, but it has also allowed me to pray quite a bit, both with my cognition and in tongues. Who knows what the Holy Spirit is clearing away in the spiritual realm? I'm faithful to pray, and God answered so many prayers, so I am beyond humbled.
I took some steps back recently. God showed me I had to renounce depression because this is the life He gave me. How ungrateful to be depressed when this is what He's done? And He's done so much. I've come so far. It's really like living a miracle every day. I mean, I shouldn't even be alive right now. Have you heard my near-death stories? Doesn't matter. God protected me and honored my noble intentions of late. Much soul work has taken place and God is healing me of things I thought would bleed forever. So much healing. Praise God! Healing is hard in the beginning because wounds are being revealed and it doesn't make any sense because we just want them to be left alone, but God intends to clean, bandage, and put a healing balm on them. What begins with difficulty ends with praise. I want my soul to be restored so I can fully magnify the Lord.
I apologize to Cindy (if she should ever read this) if I blamed her for things that were not her fault. She is as upright a human being as you can find. A virtuous woman. Many times in the past she tried to get me to move forward with her. I was in tremendous bondage and likely didn't even know. I'm sorry for mischaracterizing her, if I've done that. I'm sorry for letting my feelings for her override clear thinking and boundaries she set up. I'd like to try again, if that's possible. I think we can reason out a solution together, something that suits us both, if she's interested. She is a dear soul to me. I miss having her in my life and will abide by whatever boundaries she decides are necessary so things won't get out of hand. No phone calls? Okay. Only occasional texts? Okay. No physical meetings. Alright. I don't care. I just want her back in my life, if that's possible, and think a compromise is out there. Maybe she'll reconsider. Or, at least, pray about it. God knows my heart. I pray she sees it too.
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Still working on two posts, one about a recent trip I made and one about how I remember the girl I love. I hate that it is past tense, but them's the breaks. An answer to prayer is my son suddenly has a lot of playmates. One of his friends even moved about a block away from his mom's house recently. He has kids he plays with at my apartment complex, too. Also, I bought a recliner but haven't received it yet. Adults look forward to strange things. And, I got fermenter lids so I can ferment veggies again, so maybe my digestion will improve and health will return. Yup, gonna end on that note. Haha.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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