my careless contagion

Beguiled by the distant glow in the sky, I stepped into your warm waters. You beckoned me, and I felt compelled. Emboldened by your gentle waves, I forgot all else. I felt you envelop me with your love. Swimming away from the solidity of the shore, I embraced the waves. They pulled me out further.  Caught in your undertow, I panicked  at first, then became one with your sea.  Closing my eyes and feeling you surround me is calming, as I feel your gentle eyes on me, your arms wrap around, your kisses sweet on my neck. Pulled out deeper, the waves become calmer. I rise and fall with them, like I belong here. Shore birds and pelicans glide above on the breeze. I am alone, but I feel you with me.  I imagine you so often, it's like you're here with me sometimes. The thing I want the most is laying next to you, holding you, feeling your ribs rise and fall with your breath. The quiet, the peace, the unraveling. And I long to feel your gentle lips on mine, your hands soft and...

The day was hot, hotter than usual. My mind was running so fast for so long, time got away from me. I found myself driving away from everything and straight to your beckoning shores. Lucky to find a space, I parked, pausing to catch my breath, my heart beating fast with anticipation. Quickly, I walked to the sandy shore. Some were sunbathing. Kids laughed in the water. A mother closely watched her toddler in the shallow water. Finding a bare spot on the sand, I emptied my pockets, wrapped everything in my shirt, laying it by my shoes.  I desperately want to see you, feel you, jump into you like the waters spreading before me. Without thinking, I ran into the surf, a childlike smile spreading across my face, until my knees couldn't clear the surface. Diving in, I felt the full embrace of your waters, tasted the salinity of your warm waves, and darted back to the surface where I opened my eyes wide at the big, blue sky. I was in you, and all the way.  Sometimes I ache for you, w...

You, me, and the sea. I feel you there at the shore, like you are waves lapping at the sand, sometimes quietly, other times more insistent. There is a power in you, drawing me back, making me stay, causing me to sit and stare out over you. Imagining you. Conjuring you. Your colors are emeralds and blues of various hues, and a depth that recedes into the darkest water. I like to meet you in the newness of morning. When I walk up to your edge, your warm waters welcome, then dare me to step in further. I comply until I am in over my head and you are salty on my lips, dripping off my eyelashes and running down my face. Submerged in you, I smile at the sky.  I met you in the year that was my worst, yet you made it worthwhile. There was a golden quality to you, like the sparkle in a child's eyes undimmed by the world. It was like looking at the sun. I had to close my eyes. Life intrudes, but I was drawn back to your shore. The air is different with you. The sky is bigger. The light brigh...

I spent a lot of time on this blog giving space to my own words. Today is different. Today I got the following in my inbox. I publish it here because I can't form my own words. I am beyond devastated. I replied to it, of course, but that was for me. Now this is for her. This is what Cindy wrote to me last night, which I read this morning. The above photo is one of my favorites. Maybe that's her now, finally at peace about me. Free. I hope so.  *** Hi Joshua, I don't know how to put everything into words that I've been processing in my mind for the last few weeks, but I'm going to do it as clearly as I can. My cousin said something last week that really brought some clarity to my situation with you and me. She was talking about how she was so undecided when her now-husband was pursuing her. She would be all in with him and then pull back and go through that cycle over and over again. Sound familiar? She recounted the story in Mark 11, when the Pharisees were asking J...

January 28, 2018, I started this blog. I was alone and the divorce was nearly final (February 8). With no one to talk to about what I was feeling, I wrote here, originally transcribing from a notebook. What began as a form of therapy evolved into a journey of faith. What started in a very bad place ended in a much better place, though I am still alone. This blog garnered 34,000 hits over six years, which is a big surprise. (Also surprised attempts to create a new blog failed, but the love letters written to a certain woman were likely the reason anyone read here anyway.) Thank you to everyone who read here at some point. I prayed you got something out of it. Learned a lot about myself and am a lot humbler at its closing than at its beginning. Honesty, facing problems, and working toward solutions paid off, but it was God who did a work.  I cut my teeth on gospel songs. Win Worley's song sermons were my favorite and listened to them on cassette over and over. Such joy in that man...

Unexpectedly, she came back into my life. There she was, at my door, and I welcomed her in. We talked. My heart throbbed with excitement. There she is, Joshua, the one you love! Right in front of you!  Being with her felt natural, like she'd always been there, like she would always be there. Like a part of me was returned or made whole. She just made sense. My favorite memories with her were simple ones: walking, talking, sometimes with Brutus  (the cheagle) and my son. There was the walk we took one summer day at a recreation area outside town. It felt like the rightest thing in the world to be with her.  It may sound strange, what I'm about to say, but it's true. I love the arrangement of her features. Her face and all its parts. Her body and how it's put together. I can't see inside, but I saw the outworking of its parts, and she is as beautiful inside as out. Her heart is my favorite feature.  The heart of that woman is precious. She displays a humility before t...

I would be remiss to leave this space without posting something from Samiam (it's been a while, but I did post something before). I had to do a bit of a thinky-think session as to what to post, though. She Found You (1997) won, though many others deserve honorable mention. Simply wanted to post a good song from a band that captured my attention for many years. This was one of the first songs I heard and it's still a favorite. I even drove from Ohio to Pittsburg (staying in New Jersey, eww) to see them play a festival, and then turned around and caught them in Detroit about a week later. They continue to record music and tour. Anyway.  Other songs contending for the prize were Mud Hill (a proper breakup song), Dull (about how dull life can be when you're alone), and Sunshine (how I imagine being a girl and the object of someone's affection feels like). None of them made as much sense as She Found You, as it is clear I was greatly affected by relationships with women in...

I sat on the floor of the top-floor apartment in Bowling Green, Ohio, I shared with my then-girlfriend and listened to this song, poring over the lyrics and staying quiet the entire 8-plus minutes, wanting only to hear the music and whatever it meant. (At the time, this song was barely more than 10 years old, as it came out in 1989.) I was drunk, but not too drunk to appreciate the sentiment. "That's a beautiful song," I said when it was over, seemingly to no one, but Mike, my then-girlfriend's friend who slept that night on the couch, heard. (I never did ask if he and her had a relationship in the past. Some things were better off not known.) And he agreed like it was always so. Yet I had just discovered it. Music no longer holds that sort of meaning for me. I'm all angst-ed out. You can say the same about pictures. I don't fetishize them either. Maybe working with photos for 7.5 years as a graphic artist and much longer as amateur photographer weaned me off ...

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley is forever ensconced in pop-culture for a number of reasons. It's a simp anthem.  It's infinitely meme-able . It's white people acting white. It's catchy. It's relatable. It's some impressively well-styled ginger hair. And the song is impossible to hate!  Go ahead and watch! The manly voice and boyish face are a cartoonish mismatch. This song came out in 1987 (Rick was 21), but it remains a part of popular culture. Kids today would probably pronounce it "cringe," but that's okay. There is a difference between good cringe and bad cringe. This is good cringe. Feel free to indulge. My favorite part of the video is the barkeeper. He really enjoys it when the goofy, white folks are getting down and can't help but show off.  This song is basically an auditory version of this blog. Pause and consider the lyrics. Haven't I said all of those things a million times? Is this blog good cringe or bad cringe? Admitt...

Once upon a time, I used to listen to quite a bit of urban music like rap. I was young once and my music was bumpin. 2Pac was one of those artists. I was quite upset when I heard he was murdered and even more upset by the average man's explanation of thug life, thug death. Man, how cold are you? Anyway, this song speaks about a life I don't really recognize, though we all have struggles. I can't say how much of it is art and how much is biographical. Only the artist knows.  I agree with the sentiment that something needs to change. Comparing this song to where we are now and when it came out, I'd say we went in the wrong direction. We've let those in charge of the world divide us even further. It's a shame. And why do we insist on calling those with differing melanin levels a different race? We're all one race. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Watch the words they make us use. Yes, there are cultural differences, I realize. But, the same God create...

The Cranberries' singer passed away a few years ago. I believe alcohol was involved but don't know enough to comment further. Is it just me or do the Irish drink a lot? Everyone I've known of Irish descent was that way, but it's let's not generalize. In any case, that's a sad outcome. She wasn't very old. The song Dreams, which seems to have multiple "official" videos, is quite nice. The lyrics agree with that sentiment. It's a lovingly-stated love song, or a beginning-of-love song. Sometimes when we fall for someone, they seem unreal. They take on a rosy hue, and some might say we are wearing rose-tinted glasses when we are in the beginning stages of infatuation. It's a nice feeling, but it doesn't last long. (It can lead to exhaustion and a pushing away. Then a decision is made to either continue the relationship or step away.) One can get addicted to the feeling of infatuation, which leads to relationship hopping and eventually depre...