my careless contagion

I spent a lot of time on this blog giving space to my own words. Today is different. Today I got the following in my inbox. I publish it here because I can't form my own words. I am beyond devastated. I replied to it, of course, but that was for me. Now this is for her. This is what Cindy wrote to me last night, which I read this morning. The above photo is one of my favorites. Maybe that's her now, finally at peace about me. Free. I hope so.  *** Hi Joshua, I don't know how to put everything into words that I've been processing in my mind for the last few weeks, but I'm going to do it as clearly as I can. My cousin said something last week that really brought some clarity to my situation with you and me. She was talking about how she was so undecided when her now-husband was pursuing her. She would be all in with him and then pull back and go through that cycle over and over again. Sound familiar? She recounted the story in Mark 11, when the Pharisees were asking J...

January 28, 2018, I started this blog. I was alone and the divorce was nearly final (February 8). With no one to talk to about what I was feeling, I wrote here, originally transcribing from a notebook. What began as a form of therapy evolved into a journey of faith. What started in a very bad place ended in a much better place, though I am still alone. This blog garnered 34,000 hits over six years, which is a big surprise. (Also surprised attempts to create a new blog failed, but the love letters written to a certain woman were likely the reason anyone read here anyway.) Thank you to everyone who read here at some point. I prayed you got something out of it. Learned a lot about myself and am a lot humbler at its closing than at its beginning. Honesty, facing problems, and working toward solutions paid off, but it was God who did a work.  I cut my teeth on gospel songs. Win Worley's song sermons were my favorite and listened to them on cassette over and over. Such joy in that man...

Unexpectedly, she came back into my life. There she was, at my door, and I welcomed her in. We talked. My heart throbbed with excitement. There she is, Joshua, the one you love! Right in front of you!  Being with her felt natural, like she'd always been there, like she would always be there. Like a part of me was returned or made whole. She just made sense. My favorite memories with her were simple ones: walking, talking, sometimes with Brutus  (the cheagle) and my son. There was the walk we took one summer day at a recreation area outside town. It felt like the rightest thing in the world to be with her.  It may sound strange, what I'm about to say, but it's true. I love the arrangement of her features. Her face and all its parts. Her body and how it's put together. I can't see inside, but I saw the outworking of its parts, and she is as beautiful inside as out. Her heart is my favorite feature.  The heart of that woman is precious. She displays a humility before t...

I would be remiss to leave this space without posting something from Samiam (it's been a while, but I did post something before). I had to do a bit of a thinky-think session as to what to post, though. She Found You (1997) won, though many others deserve honorable mention. Simply wanted to post a good song from a band that captured my attention for many years. This was one of the first songs I heard and it's still a favorite. I even drove from Ohio to Pittsburg (staying in New Jersey, eww) to see them play a festival, and then turned around and caught them in Detroit about a week later. They continue to record music and tour. Anyway.  Other songs contending for the prize were Mud Hill (a proper breakup song), Dull (about how dull life can be when you're alone), and Sunshine (how I imagine being a girl and the object of someone's affection feels like). None of them made as much sense as She Found You, as it is clear I was greatly affected by relationships with women in...

I sat on the floor of the top-floor apartment in Bowling Green, Ohio, I shared with my then-girlfriend and listened to this song, poring over the lyrics and staying quiet the entire 8-plus minutes, wanting only to hear the music and whatever it meant. (At the time, this song was barely more than 10 years old, as it came out in 1989.) I was drunk, but not too drunk to appreciate the sentiment. "That's a beautiful song," I said when it was over, seemingly to no one, but Mike, my then-girlfriend's friend who slept that night on the couch, heard. (I never did ask if he and her had a relationship in the past. Some things were better off not known.) And he agreed like it was always so. Yet I had just discovered it. Music no longer holds that sort of meaning for me. I'm all angst-ed out. You can say the same about pictures. I don't fetishize them either. Maybe working with photos for 7.5 years as a graphic artist and much longer as amateur photographer weaned me off ...

Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley is forever ensconced in pop-culture for a number of reasons. It's a simp anthem.  It's infinitely meme-able . It's white people acting white. It's catchy. It's relatable. It's some impressively well-styled ginger hair. And the song is impossible to hate!  Go ahead and watch! The manly voice and boyish face are a cartoonish mismatch. This song came out in 1987 (Rick was 21), but it remains a part of popular culture. Kids today would probably pronounce it "cringe," but that's okay. There is a difference between good cringe and bad cringe. This is good cringe. Feel free to indulge. My favorite part of the video is the barkeeper. He really enjoys it when the goofy, white folks are getting down and can't help but show off.  This song is basically an auditory version of this blog. Pause and consider the lyrics. Haven't I said all of those things a million times? Is this blog good cringe or bad cringe? Admitt...

Once upon a time, I used to listen to quite a bit of urban music like rap. I was young once and my music was bumpin. 2Pac was one of those artists. I was quite upset when I heard he was murdered and even more upset by the average man's explanation of thug life, thug death. Man, how cold are you? Anyway, this song speaks about a life I don't really recognize, though we all have struggles. I can't say how much of it is art and how much is biographical. Only the artist knows.  I agree with the sentiment that something needs to change. Comparing this song to where we are now and when it came out, I'd say we went in the wrong direction. We've let those in charge of the world divide us even further. It's a shame. And why do we insist on calling those with differing melanin levels a different race? We're all one race. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Watch the words they make us use. Yes, there are cultural differences, I realize. But, the same God create...

The Cranberries' singer passed away a few years ago. I believe alcohol was involved but don't know enough to comment further. Is it just me or do the Irish drink a lot? Everyone I've known of Irish descent was that way, but it's let's not generalize. In any case, that's a sad outcome. She wasn't very old. The song Dreams, which seems to have multiple "official" videos, is quite nice. The lyrics agree with that sentiment. It's a lovingly-stated love song, or a beginning-of-love song. Sometimes when we fall for someone, they seem unreal. They take on a rosy hue, and some might say we are wearing rose-tinted glasses when we are in the beginning stages of infatuation. It's a nice feeling, but it doesn't last long. (It can lead to exhaustion and a pushing away. Then a decision is made to either continue the relationship or step away.) One can get addicted to the feeling of infatuation, which leads to relationship hopping and eventually depre...

I got in the wayback machine and ended up in 1997 listening to Sixpence None the Richer's Kiss Me. It's a good jam, so I decided to stay a while and explore the concept of the song. It was made popular by the movie She's All That, which was a sort of teen romcom, of which there were about 8 million during the 90s (my favorite of which was probably Can't Hardly Wait, which I wrote about previously).  I know we all probably forgot about such things, but back in the 90s it was okay to kiss a girl. (I cross the street when I see a woman approaching now.) And you knew she was a girl, too. This means, well, let's not get into it. Things are more complicated now. Songs like this are what life is about. These are the moments we live for. The few sparkling moments we trudge through endless years of mundane and downright ugly to experience. Kissing the girl. Dancing with her in the moonlight. Just existing with her in a special moment. Breathing in her essence. I realize I ha...

Thank you, Lord, for these moments with her. Holding her hand in the theater and fighting back tears of happiness because this is what I always wanted. Here she was, and sitting next to me as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Thank you for letting me see her heart and to understand, at least in part, such a beautiful soul — a special soul that knows no equal. I get to hear what's in her heart, her mind, and to see your imprint on her. It's all over her, in, and through her.  Thank you for letting me be something in her life. Just to be here is a miracle for which I am beyond grateful. She makes me incredibly happy, and I can't help but see her as a gift. I get to enjoy her, feel her warmth radiating next to me, revel in the scent of her skin, and bask in her laughter. And what beautiful laughter! I'm in love with the sound of her voice. I don't think there's a single thing about her I haven't fallen in love with. The sum total of her is probably more...

You're forgiven if you wondered aloud why I'm writing about this song. Nightcall (irritatingly one word) was made popular by its inclusion on the Drive soundtrack. The movie was released in 2011. If you go on the internet at all, you've seen screenshots and memes from the film. It's popular among men who have trouble expressing how they feel. "Literally me" is the most common meme related to Drive.  Ryan Gosling's character (who is simply called Driver in the credits because he is never named) is not exactly a good guy, but he does some good things. The movie has brutal moments, which is why I won't recommend watching, but it is a pretty good movie if you can find an edited version. I won't give away the movie, but it really resonated with a lot of men. A lot of guys will probably go to the Barbie movie (also starring Gosling) and yell out, "Literally me!" I hope so. Maybe I will too. See you guys there!  The song is dark, as is much of t...