Pictures of You (The Cure)

I sat on the floor of the top-floor apartment in Bowling Green, Ohio, I shared with my then-girlfriend and listened to this song, poring over the lyrics and staying quiet the entire 8-plus minutes, wanting only to hear the music and whatever it meant. (At the time, this song was barely more than 10 years old, as it came out in 1989.) I was drunk, but not too drunk to appreciate the sentiment. "That's a beautiful song," I said when it was over, seemingly to no one, but Mike, my then-girlfriend's friend who slept that night on the couch, heard. (I never did ask if he and her had a relationship in the past. Some things were better off not known.) And he agreed like it was always so. Yet I had just discovered it. Music no longer holds that sort of meaning for me. I'm all angst-ed out. You can say the same about pictures. I don't fetishize them either. Maybe working with photos for 7.5 years as a graphic artist and much longer as amateur photographer weaned me off that. I can tell if a photo has been obviously manipulated when perusing social media, so I did learn a few things. I get on Instagram and the focus is usually AI-generated art. For some reason, it makes me happy, but in an odd way. And it's normally flawless. I hate the fact that robots got the good jobs and humans are left with the rest. They write poetry and make art while we do the drudgery. Thanks, whoever came up with that. 

Photos have long been considered to have a power beyond the ordinary. I recall hearing about how Native Americans felt about the medium of photography when it was new. They were reluctant to have their photos taken because it was said to "capture the soul." There is a supernatural power related to photographs which I don't understand but believe a person's intention and willpower directed toward the object is the main thing. It does seem to be a connection or conduit between souls, which I don't understand but is still very real, regardless of my understanding. If someone has trouble gaining freedom from an ungodly relationship, for instance, I would recommend they dispense with anything connected to the other party, photos (even digital, including social media posts) included. That's not always possible or practical, in which case a renunciation of promises and connections made may be enough to gain freedom. 

I think the reason music and art don't do it for me is I learned to listen to the things that can't be heard or seen — spiritual undertones that surround, indwell, and energize all of us. They swirl around us in great rivers. There is much more to this world than just this world, if that makes sense. There is a whole cosmic chess match going on and the dead march steadily on, oblivious. 

I don't understand all the lyrics. They are typical of this style of music in that most of us are wondering what the f ... uzzy is going on. I think the lyrics are meant to be felt as much as anything. If you lived it, you'd understand immediately. Having said that, this song is beyond masterful. It's genius. The Cure has been around so long, they can pretty much do whatever they want and it's auditory gold. They did music for films for a long time. Maybe they still do. They're old now. Older than me. Which is pretty old. I feel especially old when I get home after a long day working my blue-collar job. But I digress. 

The guitar work makes up the bulk of the music, especially in the beginning. It sets the stage for the vocals, which are patented Robert Smith. You feel this is a sad song about something lost even before you encounter the lyrics. As Social Distortion's Mike Ness once said, "We don't sing no happy songs." (They did, though.) Sad stories are much more compelling than happy ones, it seems. I wonder why. It's like how bad news spreads faster than good. How newspapers sell more when there's bad news on the front page above the fold. Human nature. We all have sad stories. We just like sad stories more when it's not us. I can't say I feel much of this song. I don't tend to hang onto things once they pass. There's a Bad Religion song that says, "Everything you touch leaves a mark on your soul," which, in typical Bad Religion fashion, is sarcastic. It's important to be resilient and take the good with the bad and to choose to see even bad situations as helpful in some way. Even dead ends are important because they teach us to adjust, reroute, and try again. Pain is one of God's best tools. But it's also important to see not everything in life is black and white. There's often a mix we have to sort through. When you eat some meat and come across a bone, do you throw it all out? No, you eat around the bone and then toss it. Same thing with life. But that don't sell newspapers or movies or music. 

As with all emo-ish songs, the lyrics are meant to cause an emotional reaction. The lines, "If only I'd thought of the right words, I could have held onto your heart," are classic for the genre. Whenever there is a loss of something/someone, we tend to go down that "what if" path, as if we are masters of our destiny (a point I openly contend). We think something on our part could have changed everything and set it right, as if by magic. That's an over-dramatization of a complex interaction (two people negotiating a relationship), and is common with youth who haven't gained sufficient critical-thinking skills. (Even the words used like never, always, last, nothing, denote that immature thinking style.) It's safe to say thinking is not involved in most relationships up until about the age of 25. Listen, I made mistakes in the past, but none of them were such that a few words could have changed the whole of my history. Relationships, like everything else in life, can be summed up tidily: choices. It all comes down to choices. If there is any advice to give about relationships/life, it's contained in that: make the right choices. Choose someone who also makes the right choices, and you're set if you choose one another. If they don't choose you, that's not even a relationship. That's one-sided, and, like making a sandwich with only one slice of bread, doesn't look right. 

The aesthetic of the video is lighthearted and more fun than the music belies. The contrast between tropical setting and snow coming down makes it interesting, and the polar bear is humorous. I can't find any fault with the video. It's done in a way that is unobtrusive and respectful of the song and band. It doesn't hold my attention, but that's often the case with someone of my temperament. Plus, it's a long song. 

I could have written about this song years ago, but it wasn't mine. Never claimed it. My kind of music was Bad Religion, Samiam, Face to Face, Fugazi, Social Distortion, etc., and all of that was left behind. I grew. Changed. Saw the error of what I was told. Year by year the lies melted away and left me naked before God. I see the mastery in a song like this but have no relationship with it. It's a piece of art in a museum I can linger before for a minute (or 8.5) and walk away. It's not the same as when I read God's Word. I spend time with Him every day. Change is inevitable. How can a man read the Word and not be changed? It may come in fits and spurts, but it happens. It may be gradual — almost glacial — but it's inevitable. And that's the only place I want to be. Humbly planted at God's feet. No pictures or music in the world come close to that. 

***

As I prepare to stop posting (as of January 28, the six-year mark) in this space regularly, there is a desire to wrap up long-running threads. I don't know what else I can say about me and Cindy. Why weren't we together? (Not saying nothing may happen someday, just summing up before I stop posting regularly.) One explanation is her spiritual mentor told her to avoid me (something I suspected). Communication errors (probably exacerbated by this blog) were legendary, as well. And her toxic ex and other situations tie up her emotional/cognitive resources and shut off desire for a relationship, which I would describe as emotional vampirism. She is often overwhelmed and too busy to think or feel, hijacked by more pressing things. Still, I always thought she had feelings for me, though could not explain why. Getting up close and personal with her did not reveal the presence of feelings, though she is fairly cloistered. My final assessment: I don't know if she felt anything for me. (Any writer will tell you stories are a lot easier to write when you let the characters do what they want to do, not what you want them to do. Writing here taught me at least that much.) If it was merely one-sided, then there's your answer, but I never knew. There were other factors. Our attachment styles pretty much defined attempts to couple (or my attempt, not sure if she had the same intention). This video kind of explains it. Though we were never in a relationship, I could tell a few things. She is avoidant; I am anxious (at least with her, as she is always the exception to the rule), and neither have a secure-attachment style. But, at the end of the day, we are free to make choices. Our feelings don't always tell us what's best. I chose her relentlessly, fiercely, and with all my might over many years. I couldn't do it on my own. It had to be a joint effort. A recent conversation about us resulted in me simply presenting myself as an option. I'm here if she wants me. 

In other news, been trying to map out a future with God (such as having a house built, changing careers, joining a gym, modeling on the side, getting more plants, growing a man-bun), which is a bit of a murky enterprise at the moment. The funny thing about trying to plan things when walking with God is He sometimes tests our faith by putting up blinders and roadblocks and even setting fire to things promised/desired/owned. So, not much to comment about. Just have to be faithful and do what I know. That's challenging enough. 

Been thinking about the future, and I know I can't do anything about it, but I believe it's in our best interests to continue to plan, based on God's guidance. We are given brains and self-direction for a reason. (Yielding to God is something we learn along the way, but we also need to know how to make decisions and follow through.) My son came home one day and said one of his friends said if you don't do such and such you can't do such and such and so on and eventually you can't go to college and you die alone and afraid and poor. And I thought that's really how the world presents choices, doesn't it? Don't do your homework or you will end up destitute and hungry. There is some truth in that (Proverbs, anyone?), yet I know college is not the answer for everyone. Indeed, many companies (some say 50%) recently relaxed the bachelor-degree requirement for employment. One of my favorite things to listen to on TikTok is the Degree-Free Podcast, also found on YouTube. And probably other platforms. If I had known then what I know now, I would have gone a completely different way in life. But all I can do is help my son along his path. If college is the right way, we'll find a way to make it happen. But there may be better ways to get to where he's going. 

After January 28, check back in this space in six months, or whenever. Who knows what may change? Hopefully I'm not any fatter. Tried to rejoin Facebook but wasn't allowed, so I remain largely social-media-free. As this year ends and another begins, I can't help but set new goals and follow through with old promises. This blog post from someone I follow on Tumblr sounded about right. Sums up whatever I was trying to say. Who knows what's coming next? God's in charge. Could be anything. Listen, I'm a lot smarter than anyone gives me credit for. I'm also a lot dumber than anyone gives me credit for, so I'm not going to leave my life is just anyone's hands. 

As this aging prayer warrior prepares for his final years, he intends to keep what's good in front of him and what's bad behind him. Sometimes, as any student of the Bible can agree, God sends us directly into what's bad. Those are the moments we depend upon only Him. I self-isolated my whole life in response to childhood trauma and abuse, as I saw human beings as inherently cruel. Walking with God is also sometimes isolating, yet we are told to not forsake gathering together with God's people. Stepping into a new year isn't that big of a deal. The dates change but little else. As long as I stay close to Him, I'll be alright. Asking prayers for faithfulness. Amen. Oh, and happy New Year, all! God bless your coming year. 

Thank you for reading. And God bless.

And my other blog, None Dare Call It Treason.

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