my careless contagion

I sat on the floor of the top-floor apartment in Bowling Green, Ohio, I shared with my then-girlfriend and listened to this song, poring over the lyrics and staying quiet the entire 8-plus minutes, wanting only to hear the music and whatever it meant. (At the time, this song was barely more than 10 years old, as it came out in 1989.) I was drunk, but not too drunk to appreciate the sentiment. "That's a beautiful song," I said when it was over, seemingly to no one, but Mike, my then-girlfriend's friend who slept that night on the couch, heard. (I never did ask if he and her had a relationship in the past. Some things were better off not known.) And he agreed like it was always so. Yet I had just discovered it. Music no longer holds that sort of meaning for me. I'm all angst-ed out. You can say the same about pictures. I don't fetishize them either. Maybe working with photos for 7.5 years as a graphic artist and much longer as amateur photographer weaned me off ...

You could call this a New Year's post: a bit of a look back and also standing on the edge of a new year, hoping for the best.  Let's start from right here, right now. I can't adequately explain what I'm going through because I lack perspective. Anytime we go through something that feels like change we momentarily lose perspective. That's why I felt the need to temporarily isolate myself from influences such as social media and greatly diminished my computer use. (No, it hasn't affected my ability to send my mom memes.) What I can say is something in me broke, leaving my attitude toward God and others changed. I have a strangely calm feeling similar to dissociation but without the disconnectedness. I feel tremendous peace. God showed me why I often attempt to do such hard things against all odds. Hard to explain. Best to save the explanation for later. What I know is it feels important and am committed to doing my part so God can finish the work He started. Doing...

The start of a new year is often a time for change. People often see it as a marker for a beginning of sorts. Maybe they want to see new places. Maybe they want to meet someone new. Maybe they want to wear a new body. For me, seeing January show up on my calendar is a relief. Now I can say, "That was last year."  I thought my divorce was to be finalized in 2017. That's what my lawyer told me, at least. But, this is Custer, where everything takes longer than it should. So, my divorce landed in early 2018. It took seven months, which isn't long by anyone's standards, but it still took too long. I've waited a year to say, "That was last year."  Many of last year's struggles were life-changing and far-reaching. I am tired of big things happening. Actually, I'm just flat-out tired. Last year almost did me in. Without going over the many things that happened, it's safe to say it was one of the most change-filled years I've ever exper...