No pressure

The start of a new year is often a time for change. People often see it as a marker for a beginning of sorts. Maybe they want to see new places. Maybe they want to meet someone new. Maybe they want to wear a new body. For me, seeing January show up on my calendar is a relief. Now I can say, "That was last year." 

I thought my divorce was to be finalized in 2017. That's what my lawyer told me, at least. But, this is Custer, where everything takes longer than it should. So, my divorce landed in early 2018. It took seven months, which isn't long by anyone's standards, but it still took too long. I've waited a year to say, "That was last year." 

Many of last year's struggles were life-changing and far-reaching. I am tired of big things happening. Actually, I'm just flat-out tired. Last year almost did me in. Without going over the many things that happened, it's safe to say it was one of the most change-filled years I've ever experienced. 

Actually, the last few years have felt pretty rough. It's time to relax. No pressue. I'm going to live my life and do what I have to do, but I also want to do some things I want to do. Like a lot more baths with bubbles and books. A lot more dates with the trees and wind and the grass and long talks with God. Maybe I'll cue up some ASMR ladies whispering in my ears and close my eyes and forget I have a body as I lose track of time. 

I've been putting off a lot of things. I want to travel a little bit, and not just around here. I want to take my son with me and experience new places. Get a hotel room and order a pizza or go to a diner. Prowl around town or wherever we find ourselves. Talk to the locals. He loves talking to people. The last time we went for a little hike, he infiltrated a group of (what appeared to be) stoner guys with their two dogs. Those guys thought he was hilarious. They smiled really big, uncontrolled smiles and squinted hard even though we weren't in the sunshine. My son just loves people. He keeps mentioning to me the fact that two girls at his daycare won't play with him and he doesn't understand. I told him to rip their dolls' heads off. Just kidding. But, I do love our talks.

This new year will be a year to let myself be. It won't a full-throttle stab at bettering myself or my life. I need some time to just be. Also, I need to clean my apartment. I don't think I did that last year. 
 
Much of 2018 was spent in a dissociative state, my mind aching toward things and away from things like a flagellum in an ocean current. So, 2019, you will be my year to come back home, to rest in my own flesh without all the acrobatics. At least, that's the plan. I hear a still small voice calling me to walk again with Him, to be taken up in His arms if necessary. After the whirlwind has passed, our attention is on the skies, and that's when we hear His voice. Sometimes the whirlwind takes all of our distractions away, too. If you're dense like me, then God has to get your attention in dramatic ways, and the last few years have been enough drama. This year should offer a reprieve. I hope.

I'm not going to slide back and lose ground. I'm going forward, but at a slower pace. Of course, I say that, but it's really up to God. 

It's a new year. No pressure, man. No big expectations for myself. Nothing planned, anyway. Just a whole lot of hot tea, baths, books, and maybe a few surprises. Hopefully nothing too big. To all of you with a list of resolutions, I commend you. I'll cheer you on and then go home to my books and blankets in my easy chair.