Blind



Love is blind. As I was taking my run today in the blowing snow and with darkness creeping in (and before telling a nice man I didn't need a ride because I was just out for a jog), it hit me like a bolt of lightning. How blind can one man be? 

It doesn't matter what people tell you. It doesn't matter what you tell yourself, either. The truth exists on its own plane, and we have to find it where it is. Nevertheless, sometimes it comes looking for us. Today was that day for me. 

I didn't see all the danger signs when I fell in love the first time. I wasn't even looking for them the second time I fell in love. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm really disappointed in myself because of the things I did when I fell in love the second time. I broke too many rules. I was a good man who did some really bad things. I can't really dwell on something that's been confessed and forgiven. But sometimes it's shocking what I did. 

Maybe it was just lust. That's what I thought. But doesn't lust fizzle out after a while and then you're on to something else? Am I just a beast in lust with a fertile woman? This is where you all shake your heads. What the fuck is he talking about? 

It's clear who I don't love in this whole mess. That would be me. I've forgiven everyone else's sins or indiscretions or slights or whatever else might have gotten under my skin. Unfortunately, I seem to be the biggest offender. What I've done is unforgivable. Am I really such an awful man? I really do hate myself. And I've begun to inflict damage on myself here in this place of understanding and solace and truth. It's true that the truth hurts sometimes, but like a friend, it does not wound you unto death. It just wants to wake you up. Set you straight. It doesn't want to punish you endlessly, which is what I've begun to do here. If it's painful for me to read these words, I feel sorry for anyone else reading them. 

Yes, I was blind. I was in love or in lust, I don't know. Yes, I did bad things. What can I do about it now? Can I sign up somewhere and have someone punch my lights out? Can I just watch a few hours of Dance Moms reruns? Or listen to Maroon 5 for a full day? No, I need real punishment. I need someone to take the most important thing in my life away from me because that's what I took from someone else. Why not take all the most important things? Wait, they've all been taken. I sit here alone.

All I know is I fell in love. Falling in love wasn't wrong. All I want is another chance to do it the right way. Someday. I hope I'm not the blind fool I was last time, that I don't miss all the warning signs. Although I'm sure I will. And I hope it's her again.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Naked and Famous - Young Blood

Image
Maybe you were curious what happened to the guy who had his heart destroyed. Maybe you thought he was a pussy for crashing out over the biggest disappointment of his life. Maybe you never knew the backstory. Wandering through Gatsby’s abandoned mansion, you wondered what transpired. Maybe you just stumbled in. In any case, you’re here. [Could have split into two posts. To save space, I refer to my ex-wife as K and the woman I fell in love with after divorce as C.] There’s a scene in the movie Drive where a bad guy calmly slits a man’s wrist (the right way — the long way) and tells him to sit down, be calm, because, “It’s done, it’s over, there’s no pain.” That’s how I imagined C ending things. I held out my hand for a friendly goodbye handshake, and she slit my wrist cooly, as if it was her duty. But, it wasn’t over, and there was pain. I sat down, bleeding. I’m still here, and it still hurts.   I hate when people experience a small disruption and attach to it spiritual significanc...
Read more

A farewell to sex

Image
Living the life of a divorced man was something I never foresaw. Actually, being married was something I didn't foresee, as well. At this point in my life, I think I've been wandering around like a blind man most of the time. Nothing else can explain my utter cluelessness about everything.  When you get a divorce, you lose many things. Mostly, you lose the security of what you had. You lose money and things and people you thought would always be there. Men especially seem to be clueless about how to move on. Our male friendships don't support us through things like this. And, if you're a loner like me, you don't have that option anyway.  Above everything else, I miss sex. There are all kinds of sex that people can have. I just miss sex. Any kind. I'm a one woman kind of man, and I've only been with one woman. So, going out and having sex with some stranger won't work for me. I'm not built that way. The only option I have is to simply m...
Read more

She found me

Image
She found me lost and alone wavering like a metronome born into a hateful world she swallowed me in her arms and I was never the same One woman can change a man  one love, one touch, and one forever if you don't believe me just look at me now She loves me at my worst lifts me up when I feel done grants me access to a new world where I don't have to be perfect She's knows I'm just a man but treats me like I'm better, made of something swift and strong and forever young She also sees the scars etched deeply in my flesh I stand naked before her but she never judges What I am is changed her love changed me rearranged me put me back together better even made me look at myself and not hate what I saw Now I see why God gave woman to man what a blessing, what peace what a stunning realization so different from what I've always known And so I love her, too,  the same as she loves me with everything I have until my last breath what a beautiful woman to make such an ugly m...
Read more